I’ve finally come down off the adrenaline of last night’s epiphany about who and what I’ve been dealing with. It’s a shock to the system, when you finally see someone clearly that you’ve been making up stories about because you loved them. I’m assimilating, the message is working it’s way through my chakras, I’m fairly balanced and calm tonight.
I told my son a little bit about the plans that he had for me, and my son was like “Say WHAT??????” LOL. He never liked the guy, but even he was amazed at the audacity, the sheer egocentricity of the things he espouses. You just gotta just say, ” Wow, I dodged a real bullet…” She’s welcome to him. Ewwww. Of course, he won’t make the offer to her, lol. Or even let her know it was on the table. LOL. Idiocy. Just idiocy. At least I had a good idea of who I was lavishing affection on . She has no idea, but that’s her own stupidity. I’m sure she likes the games as well as he does.
Texted with both Jim and A today, A for only a short time. Jim throughout the day. It will be a fun to go out on a Friday night! I think it will give us, particularly me, a much better read on our connection. Jim seems to feel a good connection, but I’m a long way from that. I really don’t get his sense of humor, but I think he’s trying too hard to be funny. Although, he just called and made me laugh while we talked. Maybe it’s just the texting thing, sometimes it’s hard to follow, but I want to try to lighten him up a bit. I know I have been holding back, and I will continue to do that, so I don’t get myself into another dysfunctional relationship. But I won’t be holding back because I’m in love anymore with someone else. With clarity, that romantic love just dissipated. Gone. And it’s easier to ignore the connection we have, when I look at him through clear eyes.
You know, we get one good shot at this life. He actually got two, the second when some philanthropic organization paid $208,000 so that he could get an experimental drug that cured him of liver cancer….I mean, that cancer is usually just a death sentence. And he wastes that 2nd chance playing games with people, play acting out who he is with everyone and full of self satisfaction when they believe the lie, instead of trying to make his life worth the effort of those who gave him the 2nd chance. Instead of showing gratitude for his few more years on the earth by trying to love people, and do his best to lift them, as he was lifted. He is still only interested in getting what he wants, whether it’s right or wrong, whether it makes him a better person, or drives him into a hole, whether it allows him to be connected to the human race, the one great consciousness, or causes him to be separate and alone. Thoughtless. Careless. Ungrateful. Self-absorbed. But mostly, sad, just sad.
A few left-over thoughts is all. I’m moving Onward…..
Love and light.