I managed to get through a 10 minute meditation this morning. It was on releasing the past. It reminded me to frame the past in such a way that I understand that what was done to me, was done from the level of consciousness that S was at when he did it. It wasn’t done purposefully to hurt me, he is just unconscious of how his actions hurt, devastate people. Because he fears vulnerability so much, and keeps so many walls around himself, he cannot possibly understand what it is like to have no walls up.
I always believed he had a higher level of consciousness, though I don’t know why I thought that. Maybe because he is smart, it seemed something he would know. He could discuss almost anything, intelligently. I guess, the ability to speak about it, and have academic understanding, is a long ways from feeling it, and knowing it, and living from that level in your heart.
I was able to maybe release just a teeny bit of it. There is still so much hurt, that if I think about it, I just fall apart. Someone who is so smart, should be wise enough, compassionate enough not to willfully hurt someone who loves him. Or so I thought. But his level of consciousness is so wrapped up in his ego…I know it’s hard for him to even see me.
But I see him. I wish I didn’t, but I always have, I always will.