Flutters

fluttering

My heart fluttered for a moment
When I thought of him
Smiling,
Laughing,
Talking.
When I remembered
the briefest of moments in which
Connection sizzled.

It made me smile.
A fluttering heart
And a fluttering tummy
Signs that I should trust my gut
On this one.

Maybe the Universe will
Conspire in my behalf.
It’s done it before.
I trust it will do it again.

So after I smile
After the brief moment of
Flutters
I surrender
To the Universe
And release all attachment
To outcome.

The universe can steer my course.
Flutters notwithstanding.
Just a knowing that what happens
Is what is supposed to happen.
How do we know?
Because it did……

By Deborah E. Dayen

Image from Hawkins Bazaar, via Google Images

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Gratitude and Release

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

Forgiveness

This is a lesson I from my marriage.  It is the only way to release the pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, the bitter taste of cruelty and mistreatment, and begin to rebuild your life.

I want to do this with S.  He chose what he chose, for his own reasons, never to be really understood by me.  I don’t believe he wanted to hurt me.  I believe he didn’t know how NOT to hurt me.  It can’t be undone, and it’s time for me to accept it, and stop trying rationalize that which is to me, irrational.  Another lesson from my marriage, you cannot explain an irrational act.  It’s time I remember that.

My focus now, will be to forgive, to find the unconditional love that I have always had for him and leave it somewhere deep in my heart.  It is never a bad thing to love, it is never stupid, and I think it had a purpose in his life.  I hope it did.  Even if he doesn’t see it now, maybe he will someday.  I’d hate for this all to have been for naught.  I hope that in his dark days, of which he has a lot this time of year, as the days grow shorter and darker, he will be able to know that someone loved him without limit, beyond reason, and it will give him strength.

This morning, I begin cutting the energetic cords between us, by beginning the process of forgiveness.

Releasing

release-the-past-let-it-go

I managed to get through a 10 minute meditation this morning.  It was on releasing the past.  It reminded me to frame the past in such a way that I understand that what was done to me, was done from the level of consciousness that S was at when he did it.  It wasn’t done purposefully to hurt me, he is just unconscious of how his actions hurt, devastate people.  Because he fears vulnerability so much, and keeps so many walls around himself, he cannot possibly understand what it is like to have no walls up.

I always believed he had a higher level of consciousness, though I don’t know why I thought that.  Maybe because he is smart, it seemed something he would know.  He could discuss almost anything, intelligently.  I guess, the ability to speak about it, and have academic understanding, is a long ways from feeling it, and knowing it, and living from that level in your heart.

I was able to maybe release just a teeny bit of it.  There is still so much hurt, that if I think about it, I just fall apart.  Someone who is so smart, should be wise enough, compassionate enough not to willfully hurt someone who loves him.  Or so I thought.  But his level of consciousness is so wrapped up in his ego…I know it’s hard for him to even see me.

But I see him.  I wish I didn’t, but I always have, I always will.

Finding My Center Again

189

Confusion and chaos

Beginning to unravel

Into some comprehensible circumstance.

I want my close friend,

Most of all.

What we shared,

He can’t share with her,

she was not a part of it.

He has said this…

that it was ours and our alone.

Nor is she part of the close friendship we share.

He knows my secrets,

I know his.

They are ours to keep.

I will lose something here,

But it was something I had already decided to lose.

Now, I have gained back my close friend,

Now I can still have the laughter,

The conversation,

The connection without pain.

I’m still  scared,

At the change.

I’ve never traveled this road before

And I still love him.

But it seems safe, for now.

It is easier on my heart,

For now.

Going to go to the beach tomorrow

And re-find my center.

That where it usually is,

Hovering over the sea,

knowing that I will know where to look for it.

It is easier to contemplate a future that includes him

In some way

than one that doesn’t.