I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well. I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing. I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life. And then I fell fast asleep.
It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not. That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not. Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.
When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story. That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable. That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie. I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something. To stand up for myself. The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem. He will live with that karma. If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.
He has so much fear. For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her. How silly. Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else. She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.
My conscience is clear this morning. I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past. I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.
It’s all been hard, so hard. Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime. And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second. I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.
I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are. I like where I am, I like who I am. Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught. I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls. I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else. If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know. But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie. And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.