The End of the Fireworks

the end

My book club is reading “The Untethered Soul” by Mark Singer.  I have seen him on OWN, on Super Soul Sunday and liked him.  I just started the book, but he begins by talking about the voice in our heads.

He asks why we  discuss with ourselves, in our heads, situations and things that we know.  I thought about how I keep re-running the chaos that ended the relationship with Scott, and replaying it in my head.  Why??  do I do that to myself?

I know what it was, I know how it hurt, but I’ll never really get past it if I keep re-living it in my head, or here on the page.  I know what happened, I know how I loved him, I know all the red flags that I ignored, I know what he did to me, to her.  I know how he is now, there’s nothing that needs to be figured out.

I would like to shut that conversation down permanently.  I don’t want to forget, I just don’t want to be obsessing about it.  It was traumatic, yes.  At my age, I’d never experienced it before, and was blindsided that it happened.  But I need to let it all go.  Why give all that bad news my continued attention?

Gratitude is a better place to go. This morning I woke up after a poor night’s sleep and thought about all the things I do have.  My great son, a lovely home, a lot of friends, a decent job, the real possibility of retiring and moving closer to family.  I’m grateful for our incredibly mild winter so far.  I’m grateful to have a few things I love to do passionately.

If I think about my relationship with him, I am going to be grateful that I found out I can love passionately, despite my long abusive marriage.  I honestly never thought I would when I left it.  That I chose the wrong man, is secondary to the fact that I was able to passionately love someone.

I guess a relationship that was so passionate, was probably not going to end quietly.  It was bound to go down in a huge explosion of emotion.  We were night and day, just as he said in the poem he wrote me. When we occupied the same space for a short time, there were fireworks in the sky like the blazing colors of dusk and dawn.  Sometimes it was beautiful and sometimes the display was terrifying.  Now  all the fireworks are spent and I am going to just let the memories fade, pack up my stuff and go home.

I have a lot of good years to live yet.  I don’t want to waste any more of my days trying to make sense of that chaos.  It will be an effort at first, because I think it’s a habit now.  But I’ve never been an addictive person, and I can change that.

With gratitude, and a conscious effort to extend love and compassion wherever I go.

18 responses to “The End of the Fireworks

  1. You’re one or two steps ahead of me. I have a long way to go before the conversations in my head stop. I liken it to The Silence Of The Lambs. I want the day to come when “the lambs stop screaming.”

    • It’s a concerted effort that’s for sure. But replaying it serves no purpose except to keep me attached. So as the thoughts come I am going to try to tell place them with a thought about something I’m grateful for here, in this moment. They don’t deserve S minute more of out time, nor any more space in our psyche. You lee get there though. And so will I. Xo

        • That’s what they say. If nothing else be grateful for your breath. I felt like you coming out of my marriage. I almost lost everything. I say in limbo for 4 years waiting. My prayers are with you, that you’ll get to a happier place soon. Xo

              • Oh, if I could only read a book. I have only read one book in my entire life (I spoke about it in my blog) and I have never been able to understand my aversion to reading. I simply cannot do it. Maybe something in my past involved books and is so horrific that it left a lasting impression. I don’t know. It’s almost sinful to me, for some reason. Does that make any sense at all?

              • I know. Go figure. When I read that book that only took twenty minutes, Loser almost had a stroke, which resulted in more abuse. I read blogs because it lets me know that there are others out there who have gone through what I have.
                And, writing is different, isn’t it? I have been told for years to write a book about my life and I have been told that I am a very good writer but it’s only about my life. That’s easy. I will check our her blog. Thank you so much for referring it to me.

              • I belonged for years to a support group for survivors of abuse bit taught me more than any therapy. It has a very active forum, and I made friend there who are friends for life. The site is The community is Physical and emotional abuse survivors. Check it out. It’s a great site in which to find people who have gone through and really really get what you’re dealing with.

              • I checked Brenes’ site. Even though it’s a blog, it seems to be more like a book club. Not for me. And, I’m not sure about paying to read it. I’ll check out the other one.

              • If you go to the forum and just read people’s posts and responses, and post your own usually someone or lots of people will respond. Intro yourself as a newbie. I haven’t been there in awhile but I doubt it has changed. It was really a place of refuge for me for years.

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