I’m up early this morning. I have been out on the deck since the very first rays of sunlight edged the eastern horizon. It’s still, the birds are not even singing yet. And it’s cool, I’m wrapped in a blanket. It promises to be a beautiful day.
I’d thought I was going to the beach today, but that didn’t work out. It’s ok, though. I am going for a walk with a friend this morning, just back from Martha’s Vineyard where she has a summer home. It will be good to catch up. My son will be home from his music festival in the early afternoon, and it will be good to see him, have his somewhat chaotic energy back in the house. And his help in finding and getting rid of the snake!
I am better this morning. I have a selenite healing wand with a fluorite tip on it. The two stones are very healing. I held it to my heart last night. One of selenite’s metaphysical properties is that it helps to break up patterns, and I felt it was exactly what I needed to get over S. I need to break up the pattern that my mind and heart go through when I think of him. I held it there, and repeated “detach” like a mantra. Focusing on the word, on visually seeing the energetic cords break off and fall away. I fell asleep with it that way. I think it helped. Because this morning when I think of him, I remember all the ways we did not get along, all the reasons I tried to break it off with him all summer, and he kept drawing me back in.
Looking back, I suppose he just didn’t want to be alone. I don’t think that he thought that, purposefully. Just, he really has so few people in his life. His daughter and son, and one good friend that I know of. He wasn’t in love with me, but he liked the fact that I was.
I am putting that in the past tense. I think I can just begin to feel the transformation of what I felt for him, becoming something else. Something less painful, something more like the words of that song “You’re just someone that I used to love.” No mean intent, just that I can feel the first tendrils of moving my heart away from him, and the pain and chaos loving him has cost me.
I’ve known for months we were not meant to be. We never saw each other for one, which was his decision. Not mine. But I stopped fighting it long ago. I saw him maybe 4 times all summer. So why is it such a big deal that he is not with me now? Because he’s with someone else, and it feels like rejection. Because I am jealous, I would have liked to be someone he wanted to spend more time with, but I never was, so I need to stop making it out to be like he ever wanted to be with me anyway. He just liked keeping me on the periphery of his life, liked knowing there was someone out there who adored him.
Well, I don’t, adore him at the moment. I’m not mad, but this morning I am real. His relationships are all pretty dysfunctional. He has been healing the one with his daughter, but Betty Boop will probably reverse that in a big hurry. Too bad.
I have lived such a dysfunctional life with my ex, that I was comfortable with S’s ability to create a dysfunctional relationship with me. I realized that this summer, there are probably 3 or 4 blogs about how I tried to end it with him, and he talked me out of it. Most notably, the time in maybe July, where he had just pulled me back in with the possibility of him being very sick, and then disappeared on me for 4 days. I mean, literally, on the weekend, he called and asked me not to “dump” him, and told me how he is sick and the constant pain of his headaches was making him behave poorly, and so I didn’t, and I think he came up to my house that weekend, maybe. Then the next weekend his mother died and he disappeared to New Jersey, without a word, and I was calling the hospitals here to see if he’d been admitted, because I was afraid he had an aneurysm. I was so terrified. He came home and texted me like it was nothing.
I don’t need that. He once told me that he and his ex gf used to fight passionately, and make up passionately, and that there had been many times when they had separated for months at a time. This was when we first met, and I thought, I don’t want any fighting passionately. When a fight begins, I run. I was the runner. I have had more than my share of hard fought, blood and guts fights in my life, and I don’t like them. Back then, he didn’t yet know she had married within months of leaving him. I think he thought it was just another temporary break up. One day she messaged him, after I’d been seeing him for a couple of months, said she wanted to see him. Of course, I was terrified, and he was kinder then, than now. He told me to not worry, that I was taking him out of the equation, that he was just going to talk to her, and it didn’t mean he was going back to her. Turns out she wanted to meet with him to tell him face to face she was married. He disappeared then for 2 days. Wouldn’t talk to me, or answer my texts, left me hanging out to dry, just kind of like this weekend. The difference was he gave our relationship no consideration this time, He just said, “she’s back in my life.” After 18 months. He let go of me so fast, that it’s taken me days just to get up on my own two feet again. I was blindsided, not only by Betty Boop’s appearance in his life, and mine by extension, but by how easily and quickly he threw our relationship to the wind.
Well, it’s all moot now. She’s back, and I am letting go. I think about all the hurt, all the times he disregarded my feelings because he couldn’t cope with his own. When I am in a relationship with someone, him included, generally I consider their feelings first. He and I both were dysfunctional, we could not figure out how to make it work.
It was a bad relationship. It is good that something happened to make it actually end, to create an ending that there is no bridge from to get back to where we were. Where we were was not a good place anyway. I know there are much better places ahead of me, than behind me.
I’m going to have a good day today. The knot in my stomach has unraveled some. I made a pot of chili yesterday, but couldn’t eat any of it. We’ll have it today, with some good bread. I’ll work at opening the door for something “magnificent” to walk through. I know the rest of my life will be wonderful, I know what I want, and where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I get there. S is beginning to fade, and I can imagine, for the first time, that a day is coming where I don’t think of him wistfully. Maybe kind of, he was kind of a cool guy but so messed up. I’d like to remember him fondly, but not painfully. Someday.
Not there yet, but like I say, I know where I’m going and what I want, and that’s what I want. Just to let go of it all, say I loved him once, we had some fun, but we had more pain, and we let it go.