I’m running late today. I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work. I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.
Thinking about change this morning, starting anew. Change is the only constant in life. I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore. The picture seems pretty complete. I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached. Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did. I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did. I hope now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively. I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him. It’s still there. Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.
I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive. I am hopeful. I am not needy. I have a life, a good life. Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with. I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something. Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house. Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.
The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here. We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground. We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure. We can only hope it lasts til March.
Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea. Just accept and embrace it. The universe knows what it’s doing.