Last Night’s Dream Analysis

Well, not only sleeping last night, but dreaming as well. I dreamed that I was at a long table, with many people at it, eating a hot dog with all kinds of fixings on it, and found my ex-husband sitting next to me eating one as well. I remember looking at him and saying “Oh! I forgot you were here.” As usual when I dream of him (which is rarely) he said nothing. But watched me eat with the critical eye he always did. Which was actually funny, since he’s the one who got himself up to about 300 lbs.  But that was always about control, making me feel self-conscious, and unsure with hm.  It was never about how I looked.

Then I dreamed I was in a flower garden, with one of my best friends from up north, the friend who drove down here with me. Gosh I miss her. She is a wonderful gardener, and has planted flower gardens all over her 3 acres. Her deck and her house are full of plants and flowers. I gave her my house plants when I left.

So, it was off to dreammoods.com

The hot dog dream was the weirdest, because my ex was in it. Here’s what they had to say.

Hot dog: To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor.

Ex: In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream indicates that you are currently finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

Eating: To dream that you are eating with others signifies harmony, intimacy, merriness, prosperous undertakings, personal gain, and/or joyous spirits.

So…sitting with my ex, eating a big hot dog. Well, we did have a good sex life, until we didn’t, and I am ready for another, that’s for sure. As for seeing him indicating that I find myself in a similar situation, well….Yeah, I did. I don’t now. I’m guessing that because I have had such a hard time completely letting go of S, and how much unhappiness, and uncomfortability that relationship has brought me, that’s the relationship that was in my subconscious. However, that is, for me, undone by the fact that I’m eating with others, signifying that I am now in harmony, and in a good place. I think that door is finally closed, and I am really open to something new in my life.

The garden with my friend…well, it’s a nice dream. It was a good dream, and it followed up the hot dog dream. Here’s what dreammoods has to say.

Garden: To see a flower garden in your dream represents tranquility, comfort, love and domestic bliss. You need to be more nurturing.

Friend: To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. In particular, to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.

I think that dream is all about me nurturing. My friend is very nurturing. Witness the fact that she drove most of the way here, knowing I was pretty well spent after moving my son to CO, and packing my house, and leaving everything I’d known for 45 years in a matter of 3 weeks. I couldn’t be more grateful and loving toward her. She’s a true friend indeed.

Yesterday, I tried to pay that forward. I called my childhood friend who lives down here, and she was kind of depressed (she is prone to that). I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she said no….and then told me she just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the cover over it. I said, OK, I’m coming to get you in an hour, and we’re gonna go get a bite to eat and a drink. So she’s the one I went to St. Pete beach with. I’m going to try to be more that way toward my friends.

Dreams are wonderful things, if we can just understand what they are trying to tell us. It’s all good.

Love and light.

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Just Let the Joy Be

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.

I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.

The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.

I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.

I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.

I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.

It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.

I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.