It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.
I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.
The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.
I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.
I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.
I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.
It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.
I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.