Letting Go of Old Fears

I wrote the other day about needing to find my own time, still, and not losing myself in a new relationship. God knows I lost myself and gave up so much of myself to my ex, and to S. I vowed it would not happen again. A boundary I set for myself.

The difference this time is that I’ve fallen for a man who encourages me to take that time. I was worried about it, but needlessly, I think. I was alone Monday, and a good part of yesterday. I invited him for dinner, and his first reaction was that I probably should take the night for myself, and see him today.

We talked about it. I asked him not to 2nd guess me, that if I asked him here, I wanted him here. I was able to make him understand in a loving way that I knew his concerns came from love and care, but that I knew myself well, and that he didn’t have to try to figure out what I needed or wanted. There is no game with me.

It was so amazing to have the whole discussion end with us feeling closer, like we knew each other better. He showed up for dinner with a new bouquet of flowers and a bag of Godiva chocolates. The chocolates were amazing, lol. The flowers will brighten my table for at least a week. I got a package from Amazon yesterday. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, though I do occasionally. It was a gift from D, some coffee mugs. He’d noticed that a lot of mine were chipped (and I had been meaning to replace them but just hadn’t) so he bought me new ones, in the style and color I like, and sent them to me as a surprise. Just small things, because he wants to. I laughingly told him he will have to claim me as a dependent on his tax return if he keeps buying me things.

Whereas the other two men who’ve been in my adult life seemed to love to keep me on edge, uncertain, rarely allowing me to feel sure of the relationship, this man, D, only wants me to feel that sureness. Yet, he’s not needy in anyway. You know needy is like the kiss of death with me. Needy men don’t usually make it to even a 2nd date. Same with boring. D is neither boring or needy. He can make me laugh, and feel special. I know I matter to him, for much more than what goes on in the bedroom. (Which is nice too, lol)

I didn’t mean to write so much about him in my blog. I was afraid of it causing problems, but that’s just me, projecting issues from my last relationship onto this one. Because this one is so open, and loving, and all the things that one was not, I can write about this free of fear at all. He may read it, he may not. He lives his life in a way that builds, doesn’t break down. He’s not hiding anything from anyone. My fears are a learned behavior, from relationships that were not balanced, not whole. I am unlearning those fears fast.

It’s an amazing thing. I keep pinching myself….and thanking the Universe. Couldn’t be much happier.

Love and light, all.

Rumination: What Is Love?

I’m up long before dawn this morning. I slept like a rock, for about 7 hours, and did nothing yesterday but sleep and write and read and watch TV, because I hadn’t been feeling well, and hadn’t slept well. So, I’m not surprised that I was wide awake at 4:15 this morning, and unable to get back to sleep.

I lay in bed for awhile, just thinking. Thinking about how much I think about, write about, obsess about love. Being in love. Loving unconditionally. How when I really love someone, I always love them, but how that love can change, and transform over time. How sometimes it has been toxic for me, driving me to my knees. And sometimes it has lifted me, higher than I’ve ever been.

But what is it? I can honestly say, I don’t know. I have loved when it hurt me, and loved when it lifted me and why both? I used to say it was a choice to love someone. When I was married, I said that. I was committed. I tried for so long to make that work. I hated breaking that commitment. But I did, and now? I don’t think that if love was a choice, that I was really in love with him. We were together at 18, until we were 56. At 18 I was in love, as much as an 18 year old could be. I think he was too. Over so many years, I know his control issues, and abuse, changed that, but I was committed, and so I kept telling myself we still loved each other, and kept trying to make it work. But did I love him? Well, maybe. Was I IN love with him. No. I was committed to him and our family. Until I realized that the commitment only went one way, and his commitment was only to controlling the rest of us. Thinking abusing us was the way to do that. I told him, after we split up, the only control you ever had over me was how much you loved me. And you didn’t.

With S, I was in love. Crazy, undeniably, continuously in love. And it kept me going back, wanting to see if this time he could love me. Just me. He could not. I finally gave up on it, I finally realized that whatever it was he wanted, in his free-thinking Aquarian way, it was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. The trust was broken, again and again and again, and I just had to stop kidding myself that I’d ever be able to trust. I’ve read that Aquarians are independent enough to think it’s fine if they are unfaithful, as long as they tell their partner about their indescretions. Which I believe is true for him. It’s who he is, I don’t hold it against him. He’s entitled to live how he wants to. It’s just not what I want for the rest of my years on this earth. I don’t share, can’t share, the man I love. I still miss him sometimes, his sense of humor, his quirkiness. And sometimes, his ability to help me to see things differently. But trust…..I can’t get past that, and never will.

D, the man I’ve been seeing for awhile now. I have not allowed myself to say I’m in love with him. We have not said it to each other, yet I feel that he loves me. I like him a lot. I only hope I can love him. I am wary, I think, not because of him, but because of the pain I experienced the last time I gave my heart fully to someone. D is so not like anyone else I’ve been with. He’s had his trials, his challenges, and still…he’s thoughtful and kind, considerate and loving. Yesterday, when I didn’t feel well, he apologized for not taking care of me well enough. I almost didn’t know how to react to that kind of thought from a man. It was not his fault, yet he took it on, because he wanted to think he could have helped me avoid it. He has done absolutely nothing but build my trust. We are compatible in many ways, and he seems willing to try to learn from me, and to teach me about himself. I think there are possibilities for the future. I feel safe with him, among many other things.

Looking at these 3 men….and trying to answer the question “What is love?” and “What makes me feel it?”…..I still have no answers. I looked to Rumi this morning, for answers to those questions. Rumi talks a lot about how love feels, but in my very cursory study of his work, not too often about what it is. I did find this quote:

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

Which is deep enough to send me on a long meditation. LOL. This is a Rumi quote that describes, to me, what it feels like to be in love:

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”

I don’t know what love is, and may never know. I know when I feel it though. I know when it’s bud is growing and I know when it’s bud is dying. I hope I’ll know when it’s a love that can last, that can grow like the giant sequoia, and scrape the clouds. Only time will tell.

Love and light.

Considering the Possibilities

Last night I went to bed exhausted at about 10:20. I was a little sad, because Tom did not call yesterday. He had only said this weekend, but I thought I had detected some urgency in his message and thought I’d hear from him yesterday. Instead, I saw him online, but he didn’t call or even message me. My sadness was exacerbated by my exhaustion.

As I went to bed, I thought…..here I am setting myself up for more drama. More games. More stuff I don’t want in my life. I’m feeling the old push / pull thing that was part of my last relationship. There’s no need. I thought about the other guy Tim, who was excited to get my number, and committed to calling me tonight. How honest, and forthright he is, how he also makes me feel important, without any game. How he doesn’t have the need to tug at my heartstrings. And also how attracted I am to him, as well. Then there is a local guy I met at the artwalk, named Larry. My sister and my friend both told me he was obviously interested in me. I was oblivious. He’s a park ranger of some of the coastal parks nearby and also a photographer. We met at a gallery which shows his photography. My friend knows him from a charitable project she’s working on, which he’s involved in. She’s been trying to get me involved, and I think I may do that now. It’s a great project, and the added benefit of maybe working with or getting to know Larry makes it very appealing.

I thought, why have I kind of started to tie myself to a man who when he’s there, is really there, but when he’s not, he’s really not. Do I love the game on some level? No. I don’t think I do. But I think I’m a little gullible. Too much Pollyanna.

I slept solidly for 6 hours. I wish I’d slept for 10. My sleep has really become disrupted this week.

This morning during my meditation, I performed self reiki. I think I’m out of balance. Really out of balance. I worked this morning on restoring that balance. In Eat Pray Love, Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life. I agree. But, I’m not in love, yet. I’m only in possibilities.

There is no need to be so intense about any of this. There is no need to feel I can’t meet both Tim and Tom, and maybe get to know Larry. I’ve never been a player, and I don’t think I am now either. Until there’s some kind of connection with commitment I will continue to meet people and enjoy meeting them, getting to know them. When the next level occurs, then I’ll make that step.

I am surprised at myself, when I stand back, how much I want to have a significant other. I don’t want a husband, but yes, I’d be so happy just to feel my energy balanced out with male energy. I love to be in love, but I see this morning I’m pushing it with Tom, and that he’s probably not right for me. I think he likes the game. But whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t have had to push to get him to call me, and meet me, if he’s being honest in his messages. I’m sick of pushing. I’m sick of things not flowing. They flow with Tim, just a nice flow. And I am quite physically attracted to him. I love that he takes his grandson out manatee watching. He has a creative outlet. I also really like the way he tells me about himself, is willing to be vulnerable. We are a good match. Tom writes sweeter messages, but doesn’t follow through. I love words so much, I want to believe him. But his actions are telling me no, don’t. Not yet.

It’s all good, because I am confident that all the old stuff is behind me. I’ve really been alone a long time now, 10 years….. Even when I was with S, I wasn’t really with him. I was really alone. So I don’t really count that as being with somebody. I loved him, yes. But was I ever with him, no. And now, in hindsight that’s definitely 20/20, I know there’s no going back to that place where I spent the last at least 2 ½ years. I came down here for a fresh start…new beginning….to leave all that was in my old life in the past. My ex, my contentious divorce, my aloneness for 6 or 7 years, the roller-coaster and crash and burn that was my relationship with S. Every day, it’s farther behind me, and the future looks brighter.

But I have felt some of that old stress in trying to build a relationship with Tom. And stress is not what I want. Starting last night, I am backed off. I’ll talk to him, if and when he calls. I’ll meet him if and when he wants to. But I will also talk to Tim, I will also get to know Larry, and anyone else who crosses my path and whose company I find I enjoy. Until, that next level arises at the direction of the universe, not at the desire of my mind.

Here I am obsessing about this again, and I’m sorry. It’s boring I’m sure. But it’s really how I work these things out. Seeing much more clearly this morning. And hopeful that I’ll be able to get a nap in today, and alleviate this exhaustion I’m feeling.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Love and light to everyone.

The Men in My Life

The men in my life.  Been thinking a lot about that today.  There have been basically 4 men in my life.  One of them I’m counting is my first boyfriend, who really….we only went out 2 or 3 months. But when he broke up with me I thought the world ended.

I was 15, so was he.  We couldn’t drive anywhere so we’d walk a few blocks from my house to go to the movies.  Otherwise, we’d just hang at lunch at school, by each other’s lockers, and talk on the phone. The only reason he made the list is because he gave me my first real kiss….so sweet, so tender, so young.  That’s all we ever did, but it was glorious for a 15 year old.  The cool thing is, we are Facebook friends today.  He is married to a beautiful woman, with kids and grandkids, a long 35 or so year marriage.  I’m so happy that his life turned out well.

The next man was my high school boyfriend.  He and I were together for 3 or 4 years.  Till I went off to college and met my ex husband.  He played guitar in a band, he was such a good guy. I  was always “with the band”, going to his different venues.  If they didn’t have a gig on the weekend, I would book them one at a local hotel, and we’d get a couple hundred kids by word of mouth, paying $1 each.  The guys would split the money and we’d go get a pizza after. LOL.   I hurt him mercilessly.  I know he just assumed he and I would get married.  But I would have driven him crazy, always wanting more, pressing him to be what he was not.  He and I also are Facebook friends, which made me so happy.  He has had a good life too, married for many years, with kids, grandkids, big family and still playing that guitar.  He was very good….

Then of course my ex husband.  We were together almost 40 years.  It started out  beautifully, but there were red flags all the way back that I chose to ignore.  I would have liked to grow old together.  I think, really, that he has a mental illness, he’s unable to face reality in any way, and truly believes that what he says is true, just because he said it.  It’s scary.  But it’s more sad than scary, how his refusal to see reality has messed his life up.  I do think that we might be able to consider ourselves friends, based on my last few conversations with him.  But….i also know from others things about his life that frighten me for him.  Yet, I can’t get involved, unless he asks me.  So I keep my distance. He is not on FB, so we are not FB friends, lol.

Then there is S…..

You all probably know way more than you need to about him.  I love him, I miss him, but it will never ever work between us.  We are texting right now, first communication in a week.  But it’s hard, I won’t dodge the issues, I won’t pretend.  He wants me to always forget about it, and just “have fun”.  That’s just so not me.  In the beginning, yeah, having fun was ok.  But I fell crazy in love with him. (See my blog, “7 things I love about you”)  And I can’t just “have fun” anymore, knowing he still loves his ex gf , and he maybe wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else.  I’ll just love him from a distance and let it fade away.  Or let his other desires fade away.  It’s just that if I’m going to go to bed with someone, I want to be first on their list.  I deserve that. I love myself enough to know it won’t work for me any other way.  If there’s no chance of a relationship growing, then to me, there’s no reason to start.

Then of course, there is A.  I have not included him in the list.  We only dated a short time, and I did not love him.  Not the way I loved the others.  He is such a good close friend.  I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t been in love with S when I met A.  But the reality is, that I was, I am, and because of that, I have to keep A off the list.  It’s kind of a shame.  A loves me unconditionally.  He keeps in touch, he’s always loving and kind and misses me and makes me feel beautiful in his eyes.  Then again, he is always going to be a long ways away.  And even if I was in love with him, how would that work?  I might fly to see him a couple times a year and he might come see me the same…but that wouldn’t be the relationship that I could lean back at night and feel that it filled my world.  Not part time like that.

So A doesn’t make the list, but he does have a special place in my heart.  He has been at times, salve on a wound in my heart.  I’m grateful for his presence in my life.

Men, the men in my life.  It seems odd that the only one I don’t feel friends with now is the one I spent pretty much my life with, from 18 to 55, and had a child with.  I see hope there, but we aren’t there yet.  As far as S…idk.  I don’t think the ending of the story is written yet, so I have to let that one play out.  Go with the flow.

Live like water, right?

Just Let the Joy Be

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.

I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.

The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.

I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.

I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.

I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.

It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.

I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.

Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

What makes us fall in love with someone? I guess that’s like the $64 million question.

S…was aloof, trying hard not to love me. He wanted to keep his distance, keep himself to himself. He slowly let me into his life, but he didn’t want to have to take care of me. In the sense of our physical connection. Emotionally, he didn’t want to feel obligated to me, to behave in any way just because of me. He didn’t like to kiss. He didn’t like to hold hands, or any other PDA’s. He made me cry, he would tell me that he didn’t want a relationship though he was in one, that he wanted to date lots of women, though he wasn’t. He is a bad boy. Sounds like an asshole right?

But when he was sweet, he was so sweet. He would take me on Sunday afternoon excursions, and on those drives, he would let me into his life. He would tell me stories, he was such a good story teller. He would take me to some pretty special, beautiful places on the water. He loved the ocean, as I did. He spent many years as an offshore fisherman.

When he wanted me, he wanted me bad. But those were the few and far between times. The times I craved, the times I stored into my memory. The times I built into a story that someday he’d love me and want me like that all the time.

It was a lie I told myself. I loved this guy. I wanted so badly to be wanted by him. He didn’t lie to me, I lied to myself. Still, I didn’t expect him to fuck the prison whore. He broke my heart in a thousand pieces, but still…he still tugs at my heartstrings.

But I won’t see him, or talk to him, for many reasons.

1. He fucked the prison whore. 2. He’ll make me cry. 3. I don’t feel like battling my own emotions.
Most importantly… because I told A, my new guy, I would not.

A, the new guy, is a good guy. He wants me with him as much as possible. He goes out of his way for me. He makes things special for me. He tells me I’m beautiful, he loves me. He tells me the men in my life who didn’t appreciate me were idiots. He holds my hand, he hugs me, he caresses my neck, puts his arm around me, whenever the mood hits, in public or private. He kisses me, all the time. He tells me his secrets, his heartache, his joys. He still loves his wife, who he lost to cancer 8 months ago, but somehow that is a good thing. It doesn’t seem to hinder his emotions now in any way.

I am trying to love him. I mean, I do…in many ways. I want to love him the way I loved S. He makes me happy…He makes me feel so special. Like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I want to love this man. And it’s early in this relationship, early. We have time, lots of time.

The only drawback to A is that when he sells his house, he will be moving. Across country, eventually to Santa Fe. I could never follow him there. I could never live in the desert. He and I know this. I have known since day one that eventually he will be gone. But I just don’t care, right now. Because right now in this moment, he is teaching me what it is like to have someone really and truly care for me.

I wish I could get S out of my head, and my heart. Despite what he did, and what he doesn’t do, he sits there, tugging. I think I still see that lost little boy, who is just trying to make his way in the world without the unconditional love that a child so craves, and needs. S is still believing that because those people were defective and couldn’t feel love, that he doesn’t deserve it. He still doesn’t believe that’s what he is at his center, no matter who did or didn’t love him in his life.

I guess I just need time, for both things. To put S in the past. And to fully embrace A in the present. So…I’ll not contact S. I will be there with A.