The men in my life.  Been thinking a lot about that today.  There have been basically 4 men in my life.  One of them I’m counting is my first boyfriend, who really….we only went out 2 or 3 months. But when he broke up with me I thought the world ended.

I was 15, so was he.  We couldn’t drive anywhere so we’d walk a few blocks from my house to go to the movies.  Otherwise, we’d just hang at lunch at school, by each other’s lockers, and talk on the phone. The only reason he made the list is because he gave me my first real kiss….so sweet, so tender, so young.  That’s all we ever did, but it was glorious for a 15 year old.  The cool thing is, we are Facebook friends today.  He is married to a beautiful woman, with kids and grandkids, a long 35 or so year marriage.  I’m so happy that his life turned out well.

The next man was my high school boyfriend.  He and I were together for 3 or 4 years.  Till I went off to college and met my ex husband.  He played guitar in a band, he was such a good guy. I  was always “with the band”, going to his different venues.  If they didn’t have a gig on the weekend, I would book them one at a local hotel, and we’d get a couple hundred kids by word of mouth, paying $1 each.  The guys would split the money and we’d go get a pizza after. LOL.   I hurt him mercilessly.  I know he just assumed he and I would get married.  But I would have driven him crazy, always wanting more, pressing him to be what he was not.  He and I also are Facebook friends, which made me so happy.  He has had a good life too, married for many years, with kids, grandkids, big family and still playing that guitar.  He was very good….

Then of course my ex husband.  We were together almost 40 years.  It started out  beautifully, but there were red flags all the way back that I chose to ignore.  I would have liked to grow old together.  I think, really, that he has a mental illness, he’s unable to face reality in any way, and truly believes that what he says is true, just because he said it.  It’s scary.  But it’s more sad than scary, how his refusal to see reality has messed his life up.  I do think that we might be able to consider ourselves friends, based on my last few conversations with him.  But….i also know from others things about his life that frighten me for him.  Yet, I can’t get involved, unless he asks me.  So I keep my distance. He is not on FB, so we are not FB friends, lol.

Then there is S…..

You all probably know way more than you need to about him.  I love him, I miss him, but it will never ever work between us.  We are texting right now, first communication in a week.  But it’s hard, I won’t dodge the issues, I won’t pretend.  He wants me to always forget about it, and just “have fun”.  That’s just so not me.  In the beginning, yeah, having fun was ok.  But I fell crazy in love with him. (See my blog, “7 things I love about you”)  And I can’t just “have fun” anymore, knowing he still loves his ex gf , and he maybe wants to see if the grass is greener somewhere else.  I’ll just love him from a distance and let it fade away.  Or let his other desires fade away.  It’s just that if I’m going to go to bed with someone, I want to be first on their list.  I deserve that. I love myself enough to know it won’t work for me any other way.  If there’s no chance of a relationship growing, then to me, there’s no reason to start.

Then of course, there is A.  I have not included him in the list.  We only dated a short time, and I did not love him.  Not the way I loved the others.  He is such a good close friend.  I don’t know what might have happened if I hadn’t been in love with S when I met A.  But the reality is, that I was, I am, and because of that, I have to keep A off the list.  It’s kind of a shame.  A loves me unconditionally.  He keeps in touch, he’s always loving and kind and misses me and makes me feel beautiful in his eyes.  Then again, he is always going to be a long ways away.  And even if I was in love with him, how would that work?  I might fly to see him a couple times a year and he might come see me the same…but that wouldn’t be the relationship that I could lean back at night and feel that it filled my world.  Not part time like that.

So A doesn’t make the list, but he does have a special place in my heart.  He has been at times, salve on a wound in my heart.  I’m grateful for his presence in my life.

Men, the men in my life.  It seems odd that the only one I don’t feel friends with now is the one I spent pretty much my life with, from 18 to 55, and had a child with.  I see hope there, but we aren’t there yet.  As far as S…idk.  I don’t think the ending of the story is written yet, so I have to let that one play out.  Go with the flow.

Live like water, right?