Letting Go of Old Fears

I wrote the other day about needing to find my own time, still, and not losing myself in a new relationship. God knows I lost myself and gave up so much of myself to my ex, and to S. I vowed it would not happen again. A boundary I set for myself.

The difference this time is that I’ve fallen for a man who encourages me to take that time. I was worried about it, but needlessly, I think. I was alone Monday, and a good part of yesterday. I invited him for dinner, and his first reaction was that I probably should take the night for myself, and see him today.

We talked about it. I asked him not to 2nd guess me, that if I asked him here, I wanted him here. I was able to make him understand in a loving way that I knew his concerns came from love and care, but that I knew myself well, and that he didn’t have to try to figure out what I needed or wanted. There is no game with me.

It was so amazing to have the whole discussion end with us feeling closer, like we knew each other better. He showed up for dinner with a new bouquet of flowers and a bag of Godiva chocolates. The chocolates were amazing, lol. The flowers will brighten my table for at least a week. I got a package from Amazon yesterday. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, though I do occasionally. It was a gift from D, some coffee mugs. He’d noticed that a lot of mine were chipped (and I had been meaning to replace them but just hadn’t) so he bought me new ones, in the style and color I like, and sent them to me as a surprise. Just small things, because he wants to. I laughingly told him he will have to claim me as a dependent on his tax return if he keeps buying me things.

Whereas the other two men who’ve been in my adult life seemed to love to keep me on edge, uncertain, rarely allowing me to feel sure of the relationship, this man, D, only wants me to feel that sureness. Yet, he’s not needy in anyway. You know needy is like the kiss of death with me. Needy men don’t usually make it to even a 2nd date. Same with boring. D is neither boring or needy. He can make me laugh, and feel special. I know I matter to him, for much more than what goes on in the bedroom. (Which is nice too, lol)

I didn’t mean to write so much about him in my blog. I was afraid of it causing problems, but that’s just me, projecting issues from my last relationship onto this one. Because this one is so open, and loving, and all the things that one was not, I can write about this free of fear at all. He may read it, he may not. He lives his life in a way that builds, doesn’t break down. He’s not hiding anything from anyone. My fears are a learned behavior, from relationships that were not balanced, not whole. I am unlearning those fears fast.

It’s an amazing thing. I keep pinching myself….and thanking the Universe. Couldn’t be much happier.

Love and light, all.

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