Ruminations on Reclusiveness

Am I becoming reclusive? I spend a lot of time alone. And I don’t mind. I consider calling a friend to come over or go do something, and so often I stop myself. Not wanting someone intruding on me. At least lately. I don’t understand this sudden change in me.

I’ve always been extroverted. Love having people around. Love deep conversation. Love my friends. It’s why I was not afraid to move somewhere far away where I knew only 2 people, an old friend and my sister. I knew that I had always made friends easily, and I have. But lately, I find myself keeping to myself.

Perhaps I have given too much of myself, maybe I feel spread thin. I don’t know. I miss my son. At times I really miss my old life. But I love my new life. It’s just that lately, I don’t want to take a walk with someone else. I want to walk by myself, along the waterfront, sorting out my thoughts and emotions. Trying to figure out what it is that I really want, that brings me joy, and passion.

Writing is the first answer. Not the only one, but the first one. It brings me so much peace, to put my thoughts in a form where I can see them. I cannot seem to work them out without putting them on the page. I was up again, last night in the middle of the night, writing away. Because thoughts were there that were screaming at me for release. Compelling thoughts. And things I don’t want to publish, I don’t want them to be public knowledge. I need to keep and honor some things only in my heart. We all do.

This morning I have to get some groceries. Coffee, cream, toilet paper, some salad makings. I had to force myself to be kind enough to ask my friend who has no car of her own if she wants to go with me. I’m glad I did. I have wished someone was here to just talk with, someone I knew well. I want to rest in the arms of a close friend. This friend I called, well, she is a good friend. She can become argumentative though, and I hope that doesn’t happen today because I am way too tired to deal with it.

What I really want is someone who could take a nap with me, just lay down and make me feel safe….a man, no doubt, but just to rest my weary head against someone who I knew would not hurt me. It has been decades since I had that peace. And even when I had it, it was temporary.

When I lived with my son, I was content enough, to have him around. He was there. He would listen to me if he realized I really needed to be heard. He could see and understand me without a whole lot of communication. He read my body language. It wasn’t like having a significant other, but it eased the fact that I didn’t have one, or that the man I’d chosen had let me down, again.

I don’t want to be a recluse. I want to be involved in life, with passion, with love. I don’t want to become isolated, yet that’s what I’ve been doing lately to some degree. I’ll show up where I’m expected, but I just want to be alone most of the time.

I guess, when I look at it from the more objective perspective of reading it on the page, that I am sitting with some things. I don’t really know what they are, or why they are affecting me this way. But like a teacher who used to facilitate my meditation group each week said, “You don’t have to excavate. You don’t have to dig up your past. You just have to honor that you feel the way you feel.”

I guess I’m honoring myself, by allowing myself to feel things that are uncomfortable right now, but are evasive in origin. I guess that I want to do this in private, until I don’t need to anymore. So, if my blogging is more sparse, that’s why. I’m not saying it will be, but it was yesterday. And then the things that came out were direct from my soul. Today, this comes from the same place. I am confused, but willing. Reticent, but full of words. I suppose at some point it will spill back out and the clouds will dissipate.

Love and light.

A conversation

Sitting in silence, in my small, old, adorable bungalow, thoughts run through my mind of what was, and is no more, and what is, and what will be. Observing the journey is all.

I think about the conversation I had with my close male friend last night on what’s happening in the world, and why it so triggered an emotional response from me. His calm, loving, focused care of me as I explained to him how much I have been reminded of my ex, and how last weekend I so felt that darkness over me again. When I told him, in a very abbreviated way, about my marriage, he asked, “What did you do when that happened?” (My ex just going off on me or my son for any random thing, just to cause chaos.) I said, “Usually I just got quiet, because to say anything just made it worse.” He nodded. Then I said, “But eventually, what I did was leave him…..” And he smiled. Because he saw that I realized that I actually didn’t let my ex kill me. That I took my own power back.

Now, I think how if I ever complained to my ex about anything, like I was sick and felt awful, even when I was in labor (!) he would have to make sure he told me how much worse he had had it than me. That I still didn’t know what pain really was. (I was trying to give birth to a 10lb. 15 oz. Child, 22 1/2” long, who was posterior. No, not much pain there…..idiot.) Always he had more, he was worse off, my pain or whatever I felt or experienced was negated.

You learn not to say anything, because you will feel worse.

With S, he always would say, “Whine whine whine….” as if I was just making up something to bitch about. Never wanted to listen to my troubles. Could never extend an ounce of empathy toward me. Because it was all about himself, always and forever. I guess I thought that was an improvement from the treatment I got from my ex. S was just telling me to forget about it, I guess, it wasn’t important. Even though it apparently was, or I wouldn’t have said anything. I was looking for support, he couldn’t give it so told me to forget it. Stop whining, as if I were a petulant child. Now I see who the petulant child was though.

I can already tell that L would be there if I needed him to be. He would not negate my feelings or emotions, by telling me his problems were worse, or that mine didn’t matter, minimizing my feelings, so I should move on. He’s much more like my friend that I talked with last night. We may not be on the exact same page politically, but I feel, at least right now, and it’s very early to even go here, that he would not negate my feelings, and try to make his dominant.

Once I let my friend last night know how I dealt with the triggering (by taking a couple of days off, walking, meditating, reading) and got myself centered again, and grounded in unconditional love, looked at me and said, “It’s insanity. What’s going on is just insanity.” His first action was to make sure I was ok, then he expressed his feelings on it. I knew we were on the same page about it anyway, we have had a lot of close conversation about our beliefs and feelings.

He’s a gift to me, really. He is quite a bit older than me, and married to a woman who is in a convalescent home with the final stages of Alzheimer’s. He is loyal and faithful to her, a trait which I totally admire in him. I think we serve each other well. He reminds me what I really want in a partner, and shows me how amazing it could be. I imagine being physically intimate with a man who can communicate, and feel empathy the way he does, and know I will not settle for less. I think I also offer him the companionship of a woman, and the sweet, intimate conversations he misses with his wife.

So many blessings, and so many lessons I’ve learned. So many gifts I’ve been given. I have to remember that in the end, I believe tRump will be his own worst enemy. I know he’s going to cause a great deal of pain and hardship in this country, maybe the world, before he is driven from power. I’ve never experienced growth on any scale, without pain. But in the end, he’ll be gone, impeached, or imprisoned, or at least not re-elected, or maybe even worse. The world will right itself again. I believe what you think about expands. My ex thought only about making me penniless, and ruining my relationship with my son. I thought only about having a beautiful home with my son. My ex ended up penniless, and has no relationship with my son. He attracted to himself what he wished for me. The universe only hears the wish….not where it’s directed. I ended up with a beautiful home, and a close relationship with my son. I don’t wish ill on anyone, not even tRump. Meaning I wish he would see the light, and become someone who could stand up for it, but I don’t wish him dead or any other ill. I wish love and freedom for us all. That’s what I want to manifest, so that’s what I’ll focus my thoughts on.

Enough philosophy, lol. Time to get another cup of coffee. Love and light, all.

A Rainy Saturday Morning

My sis and I went to the artwalk last night and had dinner in town. It was lovely, though the artwalk was somewhat subdued. Not as many vendors, or people. I suppose part of that was because it’s right after the holidays, so people weren’t doing Christmas shopping. And because the forecast was for rain, which we sorely need. It started raining after we had dinner and met up with one of my friends. So we came back to my house, and hung out for awhile.

It’s still raining this morning. Rain, and t-storms, and though it was 70 when I got up, it is going to drop into the 50s today. We haven’t had rain in over 2 months, it is so welcome. It almost seems weird! Get so used to sunshine every day!

Last night I got a message from Tommy, the one who won’t make plans. Except that he was making them. He says he’s going to call me this weekend, today I think. And then we’ll make plans to get together. I am very excited about it. He’s the first man who has really sparked me. He seems equally sparked.­ I am a little worried because the firefighter, Tim is also supposed to call me Sunday. If it goes with Tommy the way I kind of think it will, I won’t want to see Tim….even though I really like him. I’m a one-man kind of woman.

It will be nice to get the show on or off the road with Tommy. It’s weird how my pendulums said we would not meet this week but will by the end of next. It seems that’s true.

My sis and I want to go down to the art district in St. Pete before she leaves. Then we may go to a little Italian market I know she’d love. We might run up to Home Depot or Lowes, because I need to get something to put up in my guest room for people to hang their clothes on. She’s so funny, she gets here, and within minutes is coming up with ideas of things I need, and what might make this or that work better. I love her for it, she has such an artists view.

We were talking last night over dinner about what a perfect place this little town is for me. How it’s so exotic, artsy, so many good galleries, restaurants, and it’s such a small town, and no one even knows it’s here. It’s exactly the community that I need to be in. I saw the keyboard player at his booth selling his paintings last night. He gave me a big hug, and then told me he’s playing on Sunday at that same restaurant. I do like him…but really, I need to see where this is going with Tom. He’s really so far ahead of any of the other men I have talked to as far as an overall attraction. Anyway, I probably won’t go to the restaurant this weekend and see G play. Just would be too much like playing someone.

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve become much more measured in what I tell a man about myself. While my heart will always be on my sleeve, I am only slowly telling my story. One thing I like about Tom is that he seems to do the same, but also can put his heart on his sleeve. Last night he asked me to google Stay a Little Longer by the Brothers Osborne, because it reminded him of me. And what it did, for me, was to let me know he’s in about the same place as me. I can’t tell you how nice it is to do this with no head games going on.

I love too, that he would love to go to open mic with me, and actually perform there.

Well that’s it for a rainy Saturday morning. Lots of good things happening. Amazing how it all comes together when you get the toxic stuff out of your life.

Love and light.

Dreams, Again. Good Ones.

I’m sitting here in my sisters living room, sipping on a cup of coffee, with not much on my mind this morning. I slept well last night, even though I woke up a couple times, I got back to sleep. I couldn’t go sit outside this morning, because although it’s a beautiful morning, everything is soaked. I guess there must have been some dense fog earlier. It’s still humid and summerlike out, but not too hot. Love it….

I had some dreams and decided to look them up. One was about a letter I was trying to send to someone. I just remember seeing the envelope, but I’m not even sure who it was to. Dreammoods does not address under letters sending a completed letter, only writing one. I assume there is someone there I still have things to say to. But don’t know who it is, so I’ll let it go.

Another dream was about windows, 4 windows in a room, with the wood frame painted a different color on each, bright primary colors. They were big windows. That turns out to be kind of cool…Here’s what they said about windows and primary colors.

To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast  possibilities and insight. The size of the window is reflective of your outlook; a small window suggests that you tend to not get your hopes up too high when good things happen, while a large window symbolizes your openness to new experiences.

Colors in dreams represent energy, emotions, and vibes. First consider what that single color in your dream means to you and your own personal associations and relationship with that color. In general, pale pastel colors indicate weakness or subtlety. Dark colors represent passion and intensity. Bright colors mean awareness.

I like that…I am open to new experiences, true! And that I have some insight and awareness, well, that’s like my quest anyway.

Then I dreamed I had a big blister on my leg, maybe 2” in diameter, that was bleeding around the edges, but I managed to get it to stop.

To dream that you have a blister indicates that some minor annoyance or problem is draining your energy and time.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends.

To see your legs in your dream indicate that you have regained confidence to stand up and take control again. It also implies progress and your ability to navigate through life. To dream that your leg is broken, wounded or crippled signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life.

The only minor annoyance I can think of is the conversation I had with that quasi-friend the other night. It did leave me feeling emotionally drained, but I think the fact that the blister and bleeding were on my leg, shows that this interaction did upset me but that I am in control of my life and emotions.  Since I stopped the bleeding,I will interpret it all to be over and done with, and that I am not losing any sleep over it. Feeling in control of my own life. I feel confident and happy. And really….it was a minor annoyance anyway. Not major.

I’m happy to be remembering my dreams. With dreammoods.com, I feel like I get some insight into my subconscious. I am happy to know that what the emotions and actions I am manifesting through my ego, are in tune with my subconscious. It feels balanced.

My sis and I are gonna go do a little Christmas shopping this morning. That should be fun, there are lots of cool little shops around here. Going to be an awesome day.

Love and light.

Last Night’s Dream Analysis

Well, not only sleeping last night, but dreaming as well. I dreamed that I was at a long table, with many people at it, eating a hot dog with all kinds of fixings on it, and found my ex-husband sitting next to me eating one as well. I remember looking at him and saying “Oh! I forgot you were here.” As usual when I dream of him (which is rarely) he said nothing. But watched me eat with the critical eye he always did. Which was actually funny, since he’s the one who got himself up to about 300 lbs.  But that was always about control, making me feel self-conscious, and unsure with hm.  It was never about how I looked.

Then I dreamed I was in a flower garden, with one of my best friends from up north, the friend who drove down here with me. Gosh I miss her. She is a wonderful gardener, and has planted flower gardens all over her 3 acres. Her deck and her house are full of plants and flowers. I gave her my house plants when I left.

So, it was off to dreammoods.com

The hot dog dream was the weirdest, because my ex was in it. Here’s what they had to say.

Hot dog: To see or eat a hot dog in your dream is phallic symbol representing masculinity, sexual energy, and vigor.

Ex: In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream indicates that you are currently finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

Eating: To dream that you are eating with others signifies harmony, intimacy, merriness, prosperous undertakings, personal gain, and/or joyous spirits.

So…sitting with my ex, eating a big hot dog. Well, we did have a good sex life, until we didn’t, and I am ready for another, that’s for sure. As for seeing him indicating that I find myself in a similar situation, well….Yeah, I did. I don’t now. I’m guessing that because I have had such a hard time completely letting go of S, and how much unhappiness, and uncomfortability that relationship has brought me, that’s the relationship that was in my subconscious. However, that is, for me, undone by the fact that I’m eating with others, signifying that I am now in harmony, and in a good place. I think that door is finally closed, and I am really open to something new in my life.

The garden with my friend…well, it’s a nice dream. It was a good dream, and it followed up the hot dog dream. Here’s what dreammoods has to say.

Garden: To see a flower garden in your dream represents tranquility, comfort, love and domestic bliss. You need to be more nurturing.

Friend: To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. In particular, to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news.

I think that dream is all about me nurturing. My friend is very nurturing. Witness the fact that she drove most of the way here, knowing I was pretty well spent after moving my son to CO, and packing my house, and leaving everything I’d known for 45 years in a matter of 3 weeks. I couldn’t be more grateful and loving toward her. She’s a true friend indeed.

Yesterday, I tried to pay that forward. I called my childhood friend who lives down here, and she was kind of depressed (she is prone to that). I asked her if she wanted to go shopping, and she said no….and then told me she just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the cover over it. I said, OK, I’m coming to get you in an hour, and we’re gonna go get a bite to eat and a drink. So she’s the one I went to St. Pete beach with. I’m going to try to be more that way toward my friends.

Dreams are wonderful things, if we can just understand what they are trying to tell us. It’s all good.

Love and light.

Uncomplicated Love

“Think of someone you love who is uncomplicated to love,” the meditation guide instructed. I thought, of course, of my son. And as thoughts are liable to do, immediately after my son, I thought of my mother. And then of my father. And then of my two sisters.

All of them, uncomplicated to love, and to be loved by.

I have never known different with my family. Even when we had our disagreements, our rough patches, I never doubted that we loved each other, and that if pressed, we would be there for each other. Ever.

How friggin’ blessed I am, is something I’ve come to know as an adult. Really not until I was well past the half-way mark of my life did I realize the depth of that blessing.

I remember back when I just assumed all families were like mine. It seemed incongruous that my best friend’s father (at age 12) could put belt marks on her legs, but he did. She didn’t make a big deal of it, so no one else did. I can’t imagine what it was like, to be a 12 year old, going through puberty, and have your father take a belt to you. I remember my own father, at times in his frustration with my misbehavior as a child, raising his hand. That, the raised hand, was enough to make me know I better stop what I was doing, or saying. He never brought it down on me. I think it would have killed him to hit me.

I was SO naive.

I have known and loved men who were beaten by their fathers, whose mothers stood by and watched, thus enabling the brutality of a child. I think I made it my quest to prove to them that they were lovable, that they were in reality, as deserving of unconditional love as much as anyone. I wanted to convince them that it is possible for someone to love them purely, with no conditions. I cannot imagine a more painful thing to live with than the belief that you innately do not deserve love and belonging. Would it not instill false shame, to think you weren’t worthy of your parents love? And shame is such a destructive emotion.

I was unable to achieve this. It took me a long time to actively give up the quest. And that in itself, is not a good basis for a relationship anyway. There is no common ground. But, I love them, still. And wish they could see themselves the way I saw them. I wish they knew that all the love they think they missed is inside them now, given to them as a divine right. No one can take it from anyone else.

My childhood friend, has somehow managed to retrieve a relationship with her siblings now. They are very close. She has held onto the friendships of her youth. She’s coming to see me, and our other friend who lives in Daytona across the state, in January. This group of girls is like my family. They reconnected with me after about 40 years, and we picked up where we left off.

I think though, that it is part of my soul’s journey to love others the way that I’ve been loved. Am loved. It’s always the underlying emotion, the baseline. If I’ve loved you, I will always love you. If I never see you again, I will always love you, always wish the best for you, always feel the pain I know you feel and always send out whatever I can to assuage it. I may not like your behavior, I may choose to withdraw from it, but the love I felt, only came through me. I did not create it, I just channeled it. And will continue to do so, actively or passively.

So this was my post-meditation blog. Kind of a deep, heavy meditation, and it seems I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and introspection around this broader subject lately. I hope I’m not boring….not bringing the kiss of death on myself, lol.

Love and light, all.

Upside Down

hanging-upside-down

Sometimes it just sets in.
No reason, no rhyme.
Just sometimes.

The world turns upside down,
And hangs me from its teeth
And I can’t breathe.

Sometimes, the longing
For what was and what wasn’t
Takes over my entire being.
I try not to remember
So I remember more.
I try hard not to feel it,
So I feel it more.

No reason,
No comprehension
Of why this happens to me.
But it does.

Misty eyed,
I crawl into a corner,
and I let it bleed.
I lick my wounds,
I close my eyes
I dream a dream
That didn’t come true.
I try to find a new dream.
I don’t.

Waiting for it to leave
As it came.
Unannounced,
Unwelcome.
Without a goodbye
or a Fare Thee Well.
Just to stop.
Just, stop the pain.

Love always, all ways.
Never ending.
I remain.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images