Self-Absorbed Updates

self-absorbed

Ok, I need 10 minutes. Maybe only 5, I don’t think it will take that long to read this, lol. Just feeling totally self absorbed this morning. I don’t really like it, but hey, I guess I need my moments. Anyway….it’s how I woke up, and the only way to get through it for me, is to write about it, publish it, and then look at it and go, “YUCK. Get back to yourself, and stop all this whining!” So I apologize, but I’m doing it anyway. Therapy.

I need to go through my mail, and unsubscribe to a whole bunch of it. Notices and coupons from stores back in CT. Ace Rewards, from the local hardware store. Who’s playing at Angelico’s Lake House, the local watering hole beside the lake. I need to update my Groupon and Living Social offers, so they are for offers down here, not for massages and car detailing up in CT.

Seems a small thing, but it makes me a little homesick. Not that I’m not happy here, because still, I have to characterize my life as happy. It’s just they remind me when everything was on an even keel. When I went home to a house where everything was in it’s place. Where I didn’t have to use GPS to get anywhere. Where I had lots of people around.

Sleep evaded me for a long while last night, even though I was so tired when I went to bed. And even though I took an Ambien. I need to get back to myself, and my normal positive outlook on stuff. I need to finish moving into this house. I am sick of being unsettled.

I didn’t go to sunrise this morning, because it’s cloudy, solid clouds. So I am holed up in the house. It is much cooler out these days. It was 70 this morning, instead of close to 80. But my windows need replacing, the screens do not all fit tightly, so I leave the AC on and don’t open the windows. I would be inundated with bugs if I opened a window. As it is, they get in the house, I suppose just by opening the door. I am missing the fresh air.

But ok, I can’t stand feeling sorry for myself for too long. Yesterday afternoon, my friend Pat called and asked if I would come to her house for awhile, because her daughter and grandkids were there and she’d like me to meet them. I’ve been wanting to, so I went. Her grandson is 8, and an amazing smart, well mannered, articulate young man. Her granddaughter is almost 3, and the cutest thing ever, and reminds me so much of my son because she talks incessantly, and can carry on a real conversation with people. Mostly with Pat, I can see she just adores her grandmother. Her daughter is like Pat, so similar. She is beautiful, and real, and has the same sense of humor. Plus like Pat, her life is full of amazing stories, and she tells them so well. I got there and she was painting a picture frame. I asked her if her mom taught her to paint, she said, no she never had time. LOL. Pat had to take care of her two kids basically on her own. Her life was hard. But her daughter is married to a wonderful man, she has a beautiful home, and a condo on the beach, and the two amazing kids, so I think Pat can say, she did right by her kids.

It seems odd, that I have known Pat 52 years, and I’m just now meeting her daughter. But that was the gap caused by an abusive marriage for me, a marriage to a man who wanted to isolate me from everyone else who loved me. He couldn’t do it with my family, but he did for many years from my friends. Well, I let him, right? Yes, there were some battles with him I just couldn’t fight. I got them all back, that’s all that matters.

And now, to get myself back. I will take a kind of a breather today, except for the appointment for my windows, and with the dr. My handyman is coming over to fix my fence this morning too. Then tomorrow I’ll go pick up my new car, and get back in the groove of finding a washer dryer, a shed, getting my stuff up on the walls, calling the town to get a special pick up of some of the rest of the boxes that I can’t take to the recycling center myself, or fit in my recycling bins. Just some of what I need to do.

Onward. Love and light, all.

So Hum

I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.

I have a favorite meditation from Youtube.  This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.

And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)

So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.

I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.

It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.

We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.

This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.

The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.

I am, we are, you are.

Love and light……

 

Trying to Deal with My Health and Emotions

emotional healthI hope I get some information on this stomach issue today. I am concerned, it has gone on way too long. It’s better, because I’m taking the prescription I was given, but I can tell it’s still there. I hope it’s just some kind of virus or bacterial infection.  I had hoped it was just an intolerance to a medication for diabetes, but I’ve been off of that for  days now, and the issue remains.

I am a firm believer that all illness has an emotional component, which in many cases is causal. I feel like the major emotional cause is all the stress from the S relationship over the last year. So much uncertainty, fear, and angst, and rejection, and grief. So much having to assimilate the deception on such a grand scale, having to swallow his lies to her about me, and live with them because he can’t step up to the plate and own what he did. I need to separate myself completely, and the fact that there is no contact at the moment is a good thing for me, it’s a good start. It gives me breathing space, to accept and move away from it.  It’s not enough though. Because I know that we still communicate energetically, whether or not I want it to happen.

I have not figured out how to stop loving someone I love, and so I have not stopped with him. But I can’t continue to give to him, even energetically. It’s obviously draining me. I am covering my fear, and rejection, disappointment and grief at his inability to stand up and be counted.  Just to own his own emotions and actions.

We hold our emotions in our solar plexus, and our sexuality and creativity in our sacral chakra. I have been holding all this pain in both of those places for so long now. I need to figure out how to completely let go of what was done to me, and to stop worrying about him as well. I know this in my head, and have begun setting my life up to do this, with the selling of my house and moving to Florida, but emotionally I have not let go. I can’t ignore the connection we have, it’s there, and ignoring it is false also. But I don’t know how to deal with it either. I don’t know how to not feel what I feel from him, but somehow I need to let that go, while being cognizant of it. It does no good to pretend it’s not there. It also is making me sick to focus in on it, to allow it to have such a prominent place in my psyche.

I have a friend who does some incredible energetic healing. I think I will call him, and maybe see him. I don’t know anyone else who can help me with this, at the level I am dealing with it. I definitely need some help with this, if I’m going to get through it whole. Even the gong baths are not enough to set me free.

So working out stuff this morning. A new day, a new week, and I need to be more proactive regarding my health and emotional well-being.

Love and light, all….