A Few Words On Fear

I am up early today, and alone. I had my girl’s writers group here last night, and they didn’t leave til 8, which was fine. But as I told Dan, I was a little too lit to drive to his house, so stayed here. I have so much fun with the girls, I’m so grateful for this small group of friends I have here. We run the gamut when we talk, and laugh so much. They are good friends, really good friends, good people, authentic people, kind and compassionate people.

I wonder why difficult circumstances faced by some people make them more kind and loving, and in others these same circumstances cause them to withdraw, to lack any empathy, to lose their center. I know people who have faced much the same circumstances in their family of origin, and their childhood who have become complete opposites in their later years.

I guess some people deal with fear by facing it, and some deal with it by withdrawing from it. It’s sad to see people who fear so much that they end up all alone. I’ve seen people who were never able to mature into their adult lives because of the fear of facing themselves. People who think game playing is interacting with others. It’s just sad.

As an aside, I’ve finally learned that lesson, that these people can’t be fixed by me or anyone else, that they have to fix themselves. I now choose to surround myself with people at least as willing as me to show up and be seen.

It’s inspiring to meet someone who has faced down their fears and won. It’s also inspiring to meet people who have been face down in the dirt and learned how to get back up with strength, unwilling to allow the fear of being knocked down keep them from standing once more.

The fear I’m talking about is emotional fear. Fear can be a good thing….like fear of being hit by a car if you don’t look before you step off the curb. But emotional fear, especially, I think, the fear of making yourself vulnerable, the fear of being seen, is crippling. If, I guess, that a rich full life what you want.

Look at my ex. Fear of vulnerability turned him into a controlling narcissistic terror. But he was unable to be accountable even to himself for what he did to the people who loved him, and ended up creating a whole new reality for himself that he could accept. Which is ok, because he will live out his days in a locked facility, having lost the freedom that most of us take for granted. But he has to be there because his reality has nothing to do with everyone else’s, and he’s a danger to himself and others when he’s on his own.

I would say that he didn’t learn his lessons in this lifetime. If I’m right about how karma works, he’ll keep getting that lesson over and over in different ways, until he learns it.

I’m just so grateful that in my life, I have people who aren’t afraid to be real, to be accountable to themselves, who don’t fear letting themselves be known. My family, pretty much all of them, and my good, good friends are that way. I’m pleased that my son is willing to be seen, and be real. I’m most grateful that Dan has come into my life. Authentic, accountable, and best of all, not afraid to be seen and heard, though I think he reserves the right to decide if he will become vulnerable to someone over time.

Wow, I didn’t expect this blog to go here! But it’s early, and I guess it’s my stream of consciousness this morning. I think I may have resolved my computer issues. Crossing my fingers, I don’t want to have to buy another. I’m off for my 2nd cup of coffee.

Love and light to all.


fingers of fear

Fingers of doubt reach out
Trying to get a grip.
Touching my skin,
I tremble at their old familiar touch
Unwelcome sensations

Fingers of distrust
poke through the landscape
screaming across empty plains
and still forests
Trying to shake my resolve

I stand my ground
Give them nothing to hold onto.
There are no receptacles for their inept warnings.
Safe, because I know who I am
My center is grounded
And aware.

The fingers of doubt and distrust
withdraw and dissolve
When we don’t need the answers
To everything
Live like water and let life flow through us.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Pinterest

Some Personal Thoughts on Surrender and Non-Judgment

Making choices and decisions that are consistent with who we are striving to be is not always easy. Setting those boundaries is not so hard. Holding them can be hard. Not sliding into past behaviors can be hard. Not looking backward can be hard.

It’s important though, that we don’t beat ourselves up for any of it. Just acknowledging it is good, beause it makes you aware of your behavior and the nature of it, and where it comes from. I know for me, hypervigilance is something that I backslide into easily. I didn’t really realize or comprehend that I still do it, until I moved to Florida and my life left that hectic pace of full-time work and keeping a house and family. Now I am able to reflect on my actions more, and in a more relaxed atmosphere. Someone said to me the other day that hypervigilance is very defensive. I never thought of it like that, but I guess that is true. It’s like pre-emptive defense. Trying to figure out what’s going to happen so you don’t find yourself blindsided and face down in the dirt. I think anyone who has been in and gotten out of an abusive relationship probably suffers from hypervigilance. And a good bit of PTSD.

One reason I like the Veterans Art Center so much is that instead of drugging people, and telling them to “get over it”, they encourage vets to look at their experiences and create from them. Some of the art can be scary, as they exorcise the demons in their heads. With some artists, you can see the progression from the dark, battle images, to beauty as they are able to let go of some of the bad memories by putting them on the canvas.

That’s what writing did for me. Whether it was journaling, or blogging, or writing poetry, I’ve been able to put it on the page, and let go of the anger and fear and pain. Not saying I’m done yet, but compared to the early days when I left my marriage, and didn’t have a clue who I was. My son provided the motivation, to make a huge change, but how that was going to happen I hadn’t a clue. I basically had to surrender it to the universe.

Now, when faced with a dilemma I can’t solve, and when I recognize that I’m trying to control the outcome, I am much more able (though not all the time) to take a deep breath and allow things to unfold as they will, and accept them as they are. I guess I should add that trying to be non-judgmental is a huge part of healing. Non-judgmental of those who hurt me, and non-judgmental of myself, which is even harder. It has helped me to believe that most people are doing the best they can, from the state of their consciousness at the time. Looking backward without pain and anger can be hard, but when you can take that step across the threshold into creating a better future, it gets easier.

Which, getting back to the beginning of this post, surrender and non-judgement are really part and parcel of becoming the person I aspire to be. It’s a work in progress, for sure.

A lot of stuff rolling around my somewhat hung-over (from my writers group meeting yesterday) mind this morning. Not meaning to preach, lol, just working things out for myself.

Love and light…..

Yep, Mercury is Still in Retrograde and the Crazies Are Out

Boy, it must be my day. Is Mercury still in regrograde? Let me go look. Yes, for 2 more days.

I got a message from a guy in whom I would never have any interest. Short, chubby, no hair, lol. Not that I’m really that shallow, but also his profile says conservative. Here’s his message:

“Sorry, but I don’t date liberals, even pretty ones like you.” ????? My response, “That’s fine with me, I don’t date conservatives of any type. I didn’t realize I’d given you the impression I was interested.” Because I had never talked to him or seen him before I got that arrogant message. When he got it he blocked me. WTF?  I mean, good, really.  Because then he can’t see my profile again.

Then, I get a flirt, which is just an automated thing saying I’m interested in you, from this extremely handsome, well built ex-military guy, who has two pics up and one is in full camo, with his automatic weapon at the ready. Again…not my type. But since he was not obnoxious I was not either. My response was: “Thanks for the flirt! Always a pleasure to receive from such a good-lookin’ man. But….I’m very liberal. And I think that would make a relationship hard. Then again, if you completed your profile, and I had a sense of who you were, who knows. Have a nice day!” Because the conservative part only showed up in his stats, there was no essay about himself. But I thought it was a thoughtful, kind, and real response.

I just got a message back from him. “I would NEVER get along with a very liberal person, would not be able to understand your thinking process….most liberals are hypocrites….not saying you are, but 95% are.” Ok, that was totally inappropriate as a response to my measured and real, but not unpleasant answer to him. In fact, he pissed me off, as most conservatives do. So here’s what I answered back: “Well, I think most conservatives are self serving power hungry egomaniacs out for themselves and don’t give a damn about the people who are really in need. Not saying you are, but most of the ones I’ve met are. Have a good life.” Maybe he’ll block me too. LOL.

So what is up with this? My profile says I’m liberal, so leave it the fuck alone of you hate liberals so much. Pretty simple, I just skip over them if they say conservative. These days it’s a big deal. Why would some dude just send me that first message, especially when it was the first contact ever? And why did the 2nd guy get so angry when I simply pointed out a difference between us that most likely could not be overcome?

This is what scares me. Really. That this country is so polarized that people take offense and feel the need to tell off anyone of a different mind than them. So much hate and anger, and it’s mostly from the people who won the election. Maybe it’s because the Cheeto man is proving every day how he manipulated their vote, how he’s not keeping a single campaign promise, how he’s out for their pockets…. Like the FB meme says, “Oh this is the face you make when you realize that Obama wasn’t coming for your guns, but Trump is coming after your Social Security and Medicare.”

I keep saying Trump is a sociopath, and I think a lot of his electorate is as well. They cannot stand to be wrong. They will lie, and then tell another to cover it up. Lying is pathological with them. I was married to one, I totally understand the personality type. I did nothing for 5 years but try to understand how I got myself into such a fix with him. And trust me, I get it now. But man,

I’m inclined to use Juan’s closing line, This too will pass, but I’m totally afraid it won’t. So I’ll stick to wishing everyone love and light.

Love and light, everyone….

Behind the Screen (SoCS)


A screen,
Like a veil
To rest behind.
A partition that allowed
Thoughts to fly,
Or swim
And be transferred
To paper,
To words,
To a canvas,
To art.

A screen
A veil between
The artist and the world
To be pulled back at completion
Of the work.

A screen in his mind
That kept other people out
And kept him safe.
Or was it simply keeping him solitary?

If no one is allowed
Behind the screen
Then no one really knows who he is.
He can be someone different
For every face he meets.

But he also will never find
the place where he belongs.
The arms he longs for
Will never hold him tight
Because they won’t know him

He met someone, once
Who saw him,
Who saw through the screen
Easily, on first glance.

It terrified him.
He wove the screen tighter
And tighter,
And made up stories
that kept him safe
So he thought.

She could see through it still.
Knowing his terror
She left him alone.

Hoping one day
He’d come out
From behind the screen
And embrace himself

Like the artist
Showing his completed work,
Risking vulnerability,
She hoped he too
Would risk letting himself be seen
Speaking the truth
To everyone
About who he is
What he wants,
What he believes.

Instead of hiding behind the screen
And morphing into someone different
For everyone he meets.

Screens have their place.
They keep the bugs out.
They conceal what we are not ready
To share with the world.

Just, don’t live there,
Behind the screen.


The prompt for this weeks SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) was “screen”.   This is hosted by Linda G. Hill.  For more information on this prompt please go to her website, https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/14/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-1516/

So Hum

I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.

I have a favorite meditation from Youtube.  This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.

And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)

So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.

I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.

It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.

We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.

This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.

The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.

I am, we are, you are.

Love and light……