I am up early today, and alone. I had my girl’s writers group here last night, and they didn’t leave til 8, which was fine. But as I told Dan, I was a little too lit to drive to his house, so stayed here. I have so much fun with the girls, I’m so grateful for this small group of friends I have here. We run the gamut when we talk, and laugh so much. They are good friends, really good friends, good people, authentic people, kind and compassionate people.
I wonder why difficult circumstances faced by some people make them more kind and loving, and in others these same circumstances cause them to withdraw, to lack any empathy, to lose their center. I know people who have faced much the same circumstances in their family of origin, and their childhood who have become complete opposites in their later years.
I guess some people deal with fear by facing it, and some deal with it by withdrawing from it. It’s sad to see people who fear so much that they end up all alone. I’ve seen people who were never able to mature into their adult lives because of the fear of facing themselves. People who think game playing is interacting with others. It’s just sad.
As an aside, I’ve finally learned that lesson, that these people can’t be fixed by me or anyone else, that they have to fix themselves. I now choose to surround myself with people at least as willing as me to show up and be seen.
It’s inspiring to meet someone who has faced down their fears and won. It’s also inspiring to meet people who have been face down in the dirt and learned how to get back up with strength, unwilling to allow the fear of being knocked down keep them from standing once more.
The fear I’m talking about is emotional fear. Fear can be a good thing….like fear of being hit by a car if you don’t look before you step off the curb. But emotional fear, especially, I think, the fear of making yourself vulnerable, the fear of being seen, is crippling. If, I guess, that a rich full life what you want.
Look at my ex. Fear of vulnerability turned him into a controlling narcissistic terror. But he was unable to be accountable even to himself for what he did to the people who loved him, and ended up creating a whole new reality for himself that he could accept. Which is ok, because he will live out his days in a locked facility, having lost the freedom that most of us take for granted. But he has to be there because his reality has nothing to do with everyone else’s, and he’s a danger to himself and others when he’s on his own.
I would say that he didn’t learn his lessons in this lifetime. If I’m right about how karma works, he’ll keep getting that lesson over and over in different ways, until he learns it.
I’m just so grateful that in my life, I have people who aren’t afraid to be real, to be accountable to themselves, who don’t fear letting themselves be known. My family, pretty much all of them, and my good, good friends are that way. I’m pleased that my son is willing to be seen, and be real. I’m most grateful that Dan has come into my life. Authentic, accountable, and best of all, not afraid to be seen and heard, though I think he reserves the right to decide if he will become vulnerable to someone over time.
Wow, I didn’t expect this blog to go here! But it’s early, and I guess it’s my stream of consciousness this morning. I think I may have resolved my computer issues. Crossing my fingers, I don’t want to have to buy another. I’m off for my 2nd cup of coffee.
Love and light to all.
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