Orange hyacinth
Grows happily at my door
Blossoms praise daylight.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
Category Archives: Anxiety
Haiku No. 277: The Scent of Love
She waits patiently
The scent of love in the air
Tickles her fancy.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
Some Things Need to End, So Others Can Begin
It’s been a quiet day for me on this blog. I had a bunch of stuff that was unresolved, didn’t want to really blog about it. Stuff that’s been rolling around for a few days, maybe even 2 weeks. Anyway, I’ve been bombarded by some energetic stuff lately, and it was making me a little crazy. So I talked to my good friend who is a medium, and a psychic, and Karuna II Reiki master, Tarot card reader. It’s how she makes a living. I have known her about 8 or 9 years, we are close. This morning, instead of writing, I asked her for a reading on some of the issues I was having. We talked for over an hour, and she refused to charge me.
The rest of the day, I spent sorting out the information I got. It’s very personal, I can’t go into it here, but I’ll just say that I felt relieved and melancholy when we were done. What she said made perfect sense to me. And the overall message was, stay the course. Stay it with my personal life, with my creativity, with the way I am creating my life down here. And also acceptance of what is, and nurturing myself.
She also talked about how it’s the new moon Thursday. I knew it was soon, had lost track of the fact that it is Thursday. Time to set new intentions. Especially this month. January is of course a 1, the first month. The year, 2017, also reduces to a 1. 1’s are new beginnings, time to start new projects, new relationships. So a good part of my day has been spend creating a list of intentions. I told her I was going to write them down.
Speaking of relationships, last night I sent a text to the man I had lunch with yesterday, thanking him for the lunch and the laughs, telling him I had a lot of fun and look forward to doing it again. This morning I got a text from him with his correct phone number. He’d told me he would do that, since the phone he’d been using was not his, his had been being repaired. Then when I got to my sisters, he called me, after asking in a text if he could. So sweet, well mannnered. But funny!!! OMG, we laughed the whole time. We seem to get each other’s sense of humor. Anyway, it was a nice surprise, to have him call.
I got to my sisters about 3:45. We went in the pool which was at 90. It was not real warm today, probably in the low 70’s. But the pool was nice. And we spent a long time in her hot tub with a glass of red wine! LOL. It’s a rough life, lol. I made a pot roast in the crock pot yesterday and brought it with me, so we didn’t have to cook dinner, we just heated it up. It was delicious!!!
So, life is still good. I’m enjoying my sister and brother-in-law, it’s been about 3 weeks maybe since I’ve seen them. Feeling my mother’s presence so much today. Interesting day, and a good one. Many things I need to put to rest, so I can move forward with the new moon. I think I can do it now.
Love and light, all.
Hard Night, Beautiful Morning
I slept hard last night. Nightmare, of hate and anger. Displaced, afraid. Real fear that they were coming to get me, and that I would die in their hands. (I don’t know who they were, maybe Nazi’s. With tanks. And soldiers marching.) Then, in the dream, I told myself I was dreaming. And that I could combat their hate and anger and fear with love.
I did. I turned the tide, I sent the fear packing, I taught them that they deserved love, and they lay down their arms.
Still, it was a hard and terrifying dream.
Not sure what brought it on. Probably some deep-seated stuff, from the past.
Whatever. This morning I awoke early, around 5:30. My room was cool, I could hear the faint hum of the ceiling fan. I tried to go back to sleep but decided about 20 minutes later that that was not happening. I got up, tried to write, and did, but not sure it’s worthy of publication. I need to re-read and edit.
I decided it was time for me to see the sunrise here in my new hometown. So I quickly got dressed in my bathing suit top, and a skort, and drove the short mile or so to the beach. I parked along the street, as the first rays of dawn broke the sky.
There is a long fishing pier on the beach. I headed down the pier, into the gray and pink early morning light. The pier was dotted with a few fishermen, people walking dogs, people exercising. But not more than a dozen people in all. They all greeted me, everyone, with a “Good morning.”
Felt like I was taken into a brother/sisterhood, of people who love the morning. I walked to the end of the pier. I guess it’s maybe 500′ long? I’m a bad judge of distance.
On the way, I passed a gull on the rail, so still I didn’t think it was real. He just watched me as I passed by. Then, a great blue heron flew in and landed on the rail, about 100′ in front of me. As I approached, taking my camera out of my pocket, it flew away.
I got to the end of the pier, and sat on a bench. I was alone. I set my cup of coffee next to me and closed my eyes and just breathed. Tried to take in that this was now my home. Listened to nothing but the sounds of the sea birds, and worked at finding peace again, the remnants of that nightmare still on the fringes of my psyche.
When I opened my eyes again, the sky to the east was breaking dawn. Turning the clouds pink, and gold. It is something I will never tire of, seeing a day come in over the water like that.
There were a lot of boats anchored in the bay, many with their dinghies laying in the water behind them, signaling that they were aboard. I thought how lovely a place to anchor out. One boat had two dinghies behind it. I made up a story in my head of people coming from one boat to the other, drinking wine and talking late into the night, too late and too dark to find their way back to their own boat, and staying with friends instead. Like Van Morrison’s song, “So Quiet in Here”. “this must be what paradise is like, so quiet in here….”
After awhile, two women came walking past my bench, and struck up a conversation. One of them had a dog, she did not stay long, her dog was anxious to go. But the other woman and I talked. She’s lived here for 20-something years. She used to live in Philly and Martha’s Vineyard. We talked about the Vineyard, and the breach that happened about 8 years ago in the south beach, and changed the whole nature of Katama Bay, and made Chappaquiddick a real island.
She walks often, she said, so maybe I’ll see her again there. Her name was Mary.
I got up and walked back down the pier Most of the fishermen had gone by then. I walked along the sidewalks, past what says is a casino, but is really a dance hall now, advertising lessons and dancing in fox trot, tango…ballroom dancing, for $8. No partner needed. Might be fun to learn the tango. Outside is a sculpture which says this town is Florida’s best kept secret. I’m beginning to agree. I walked past the permanent beach vollyball courts, and along the beach for a while.
As the town woke up, I headed back home, to record this, my first sunrise here. What a lovely way to start the day. I think it may become a habit.
Love and light.
First Monday of Not Working
My son asked me Saturday how my first day of retirement was. I said, “Well, it’s Saturday and I wouldn’t have been at work anyway, so it feels the same.” This morning is Monday, and I woke up early as usual. I tried to go back to sleep, but no such luck. Lists and plans and things that need doing kept stirring around my mind and finally I stopped fighting it and got up.
Now, sitting here in the early dawn, with my coffee, in the quiet, it does occur to me that, no, I don’t have to go to work today. I do wish I could sit on my deck in the cool morning air, but I don’t have a chair I can put out there. So, I opened the slider to let the cool air in, and listen to the birds.
My friend made me a spectacular Maine lobster dinner last night, 2 lobsters each. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten two, but I did these. Also salad, backed potatoes, green beans. I was shocked. Just feel so blessed that they wanted to do that for me. God I will miss this family. But they said they will come to visit, and will also give me a room next summer. Really lucky to have such close friends.
Feeling a little nostalgic, a little sad this morning, I suppose because I saw last night how much I will miss my people here. It’s certainly an emotional roller coaster. I think I’ll be fine when I get on the road to Florida, but this morning, the distance between now and then seems so great. So many people I want to see before I leave here.
I’ll get through it, as I always do.
When I got home my son informed me that the front door lock was broken. The deadbolt has been unable to be locked from the inside for awhile. There’s another lock in the door handle, which we really never use. But apparently, unknown to me, my son has been and now it doesn’t work either. It feels stuck, so I’m going to go buy a can of WD40 and spray it this morning. I sure hate to call a locksmith when I’ll only be here two more weeks. Seems ridiculous. But I can’t leave it unlocked for the week I’ll be gone.
My son also told me he thinks there’s a skunk living under my deck. I said, “OMG, I better get some repellent or something.” He said, “No….leave it for the new people.” LOL. He’s mad at the $5k they took from me too, lol. I will have to get my friend Peter’s big extension ladder out from underneath the deck though. I hope the skunk is not in residence when we try to do that!
Feeling pretty good this morning. A little tentative, but ok. I’m usually better as the day wears on and I get things accomplished. Moving along…
Love and light everyone.
So Hum
I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.
I have a favorite meditation from Youtube. This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.
And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)
So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.
I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.
It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.
We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.
This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.
The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.
I am, we are, you are.
Love and light……
Blowin’ Away on the Summer Wind
I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.
We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.
The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.
Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget. She was part of our small book club.
She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.
So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.
I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain. Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.
Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed. I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.
I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit. She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did. So she did. What kind of foundation for a relationship is that? If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then? Wanted him back? I was leaving anyway….who knows? Such a game they play.
Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long. I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird. But it doesn’t stop me from living this life. If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again. But this life time….I don’t think so.
The whole point, now, is….I get to retire. I don’t have to work, unless I want to. I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money. I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home. I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job. I will be so free. As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.
I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.
As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.
Love and light, everyone.
Not Stressing, I’m NOT Stressing. Am I?
I was up at 4:45 this morning. Transferring money around so I can pay for the dang hot water tank. Then trying to get estimates on replacing it. Then thinking about all the other crap I have to do in a relatively short time.
I also got, as part of the inspection, a pest control report that said I have carpenter ants and that they could treat them for $350. I was like maybe some cans of Raid? Geezus. And I know the buyers will want a licensed company to do the work. Maybe I can trade my snow blower and just let them do it. Or the couches in my sons room. Something. Geezus, I don’t want to spend that kind of money. The ants only appeared this year, like one or two a day I see. $350? Cripes.
But I’m not going to stress. I am going to have to take a day or two off of work to get this crap done though. I still have to go over my moving estimates and get that squared away.
I need to make a list, a long list, lol, so I don’t find myself at the end of the 6 weeks, trying to deal with something major.
But as I said to my bff this morning, not gonna get to worked up. Life has thrown me much harder curves than this, and I am still here. At the end of the day, or 2 months from now, I’ll be on the beach in Florida with a cold drink, and the hot water tank and the ants will be a memory.
Love and light.
Feeling A Little Anxious This Morning
I’m feeling a little anxious this morning. I think the overall cause is the carpal tunnel surgery on Friday. The only other surgery I’ve ever had was an emergency C-section when my son was delivered, and I was terrified of that. This surgery is by all accounts very simple, fast, and the recovery is not that bad. Still, it scares me I guess, to be knocked out and cut into.
And then all the stuff that goes with it. Things like how will I manage the weekend with only one hand? Eating, washing my hair, drying off after a shower? And preparing something to eat, let alone eating it with my left hand, I am so totally right handed, such a gimp with my left hand. Even dressing…How will I zip my shorts?
Naturally, next weekend is going to be a perfect beach weekend. Grrrrr. I will be sleeping off pain killers.
And I haven’t seen S in too long, We tried this weekend but our schedules were too crazy. I hope I will see him before the surgery.
Of course work is stressful. I’m not caught up from being on vacation, even though I worked a ton of OT last week. I need to be caught up before Friday, so I don’t slide backward into that being way behind pit.
I did my meditation this morning about just being grateful, that usually undoes the anxiety. So does writing about it.
And I am kind of discounting my friends who I know will be around to help me out and keep me company. Very grateful for them.
All this being said, I will be so glad to have this problem corrected. It is so painful. I just wish I could get from here to done with it and skip the journey.
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