Ok. So this weekend I didn’t make it through Saturday. I sent him a email, I didn’t unblock him. A quick, short one. I was worried about a medical problem he has, I don’t know if I made it up, or not. Probably, an excuse to contact him. He’s not answered. He’s with her. He won’t answer until she’s gone or he’s home. If at all. Probably better if he doesn’t. I’d have to let go a little more.
I missed him something fierce this morning. This afternoon, I’m better. It’s all probably because I’m so tired.
Maybe I’ll make it through Sunday. Who knows?
I walked with my ex’s cousin this morning, maybe 3 miles. I talked about my lesson, from S. I said, “I think it was the other part of unconditional love. That we have to extend it to ourselves, first. Not everyone will be open to the concept. That’s their journey.”
Her response was, “I hate it when people say to love yourself, and people pretend that they are just awesome because they love themselves, so nothing bothers them.”
I expected that at some point S would find it irresistible, to be loved so limitlessly. But he didn’t want to be loved at all. He didn’t want the responsibility, he didn’t want to give of himself that way. I don’t believe he loves her. Not when he was asking me to come see him the minute she left last week. He’s using her, she’s blissfully ignorant of what he’s up to (thus my poem “Not Ignorant Bliss.) in my profound belief in the power o unconditional love, I loved him anyway. I still love him anyway.
What I realized is that loving yourself unconditionally doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful, that you are so great, that you are impervious to hurt. I realized that loving yourself means that when you hurt, you honor that hurt. When you are angry, you honor that. When you are in love, you honor that. Even if you are in love with someone who can’t or won’t for any reason, love you back. If you miss someone, then miss them. If you are lonely, be lonely. Honor it. Honor what you feel. Don’t run from it.
Sit with it. Allow it. It’s human, we are human. We are spiritual beings, having a human experience. So experience it, the whole human perspective. That’s the lesson. I had to have unbearable pain to learn this. I had to love someone beyond reason and limit to learn this. I had to miss someone so much, that it still can render me almost senseless, to learn this.
I thought I knew it. I even wrote a blog about it, a long time ago. But I didn’t know it, until I experienced this, to this degree. Knowing it, will help me heal. Because you don’t sit with it once, and it’s over. You sit with it in waves, some huge rogue waves, some just momentary swells. Some of them knock you down, and leave you gasping for air. Some of them just make you wobbly on your feet for a moment.
There’s no rule. They comes as they come.
Take them as they come, and honor each one, and live through it, and realize how strong you are, because you did.
Listen to me preaching. It’s hard, it’s fucking hard. But there are no real options, except to honor it, and get through it. And so we, the broken-hearted, continue in our quest to find a way through it, so we can one day love again.