Upside Down

hanging-upside-down

Sometimes it just sets in.
No reason, no rhyme.
Just sometimes.

The world turns upside down,
And hangs me from its teeth
And I can’t breathe.

Sometimes, the longing
For what was and what wasn’t
Takes over my entire being.
I try not to remember
So I remember more.
I try hard not to feel it,
So I feel it more.

No reason,
No comprehension
Of why this happens to me.
But it does.

Misty eyed,
I crawl into a corner,
and I let it bleed.
I lick my wounds,
I close my eyes
I dream a dream
That didn’t come true.
I try to find a new dream.
I don’t.

Waiting for it to leave
As it came.
Unannounced,
Unwelcome.
Without a goodbye
or a Fare Thee Well.
Just to stop.
Just, stop the pain.

Love always, all ways.
Never ending.
I remain.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

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Unwelcome Solitude

 

feelings

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off.  But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.

Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night.  I am not, was not jealous.  In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me.  But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….

But the thing was that I just felt alone.  Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it.  But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything.  Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away.  But I’m going to do it.  Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.

I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?”  LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol.  But I don’t think I’ll publish it.  I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude.  Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely.  I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth.  My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL.  Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.

Last night was one of those times.  My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it.  This morning…I am fine with it, lol.  I have a lot to do today.  Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.

Feelings pass.  We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place.  I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway.  I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities.  Again.

Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.

 

 

Trying to Honor Myself

Ok.  So this weekend I didn’t make it through Saturday. I sent  him a email, I didn’t unblock him. A quick, short one.  I was worried about a medical problem he has, I don’t know if I made it up, or not.  Probably, an excuse to contact him.    He’s not answered. He’s with her.  He won’t answer until she’s gone or he’s home. If at all.  Probably better if he doesn’t.  I’d have to let go a little more.

I missed him something fierce this morning.  This afternoon, I’m better.  It’s all probably because I’m so tired.

Maybe I’ll make it through Sunday.  Who knows?

I walked with my ex’s cousin this morning, maybe 3 miles.  I talked about my lesson, from S.  I said, “I think it was the other part of unconditional love.  That we have to extend it to ourselves, first.  Not everyone will be open to the concept.  That’s their journey.”

Her response was, “I hate it when people say to love yourself, and people pretend that they are just awesome because they love themselves, so nothing bothers them.”

I expected that at some point S would find it irresistible, to be loved so limitlessly.  But he didn’t want to be loved at all.  He didn’t want the responsibility, he didn’t want to give of himself that way.  I don’t believe he loves her.  Not when he was asking me to come see him the minute she left last week. He’s using her, she’s blissfully ignorant of what he’s up to (thus my poem “Not Ignorant Bliss.)  in my profound belief in the power o unconditional love, I loved him anyway.  I still love him anyway.

What I realized is that loving yourself unconditionally doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful, that you are so great, that you are impervious to hurt.  I realized that loving yourself means that when you hurt, you honor that hurt.  When you are angry, you honor that.  When you are in love, you honor that.  Even if you are in love with someone who can’t or won’t for any reason, love you back.  If you miss someone, then miss them. If you are lonely, be lonely.  Honor it.  Honor what you feel.  Don’t run from it.

Sit with it.  Allow it.  It’s human, we are human.  We are spiritual beings, having a human experience.  So experience it, the whole human perspective.  That’s the lesson.  I had to have unbearable pain to learn this.  I had to love  someone beyond reason and limit to learn this.  I had to miss someone so much, that it still can render me almost senseless, to learn this.

I thought I knew it.  I even wrote a blog about it, a long time ago.  But I didn’t know it, until I experienced this, to this degree.  Knowing it, will help me heal.  Because you don’t sit with it once, and it’s over.  You sit with it in waves, some huge rogue waves, some just momentary swells.  Some of them knock you down, and leave you gasping for air.  Some of them just make you wobbly on your feet for a moment.

There’s no rule.  They comes as they come.

Take them as they come, and honor each one, and live through it, and realize how strong you are, because you did.

Listen to me preaching.  It’s hard, it’s fucking hard.  But there are no real options, except to honor it, and get through it.  And so we, the broken-hearted, continue in our quest to find a way through it, so we can one day love again.