I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was tired, I did my normal things, I shut my light out and expected to go off. But an hour later I lay there, wide awake.
Maybe part of it was that Addie had a date last night. I am not, was not jealous. In fact, I am happy for him, because he deserves to find someone who can fall in love with him and I know it’s not me. But I missed our nightly conversation, I missed him saying goodnight….
But the thing was that I just felt alone. Really, bone chilling, heart wrenching alone. Sometimes I am happy that way, in fact, most of the time, I’m just fine with it. But last night, I was just sick of it. Sick of walking through this life alone, sick of being so responsible for everything. Like the house….it is sometimes overwhelming to think about getting it in shape to sell, and even moreso to think about packing up and moving a long way away. But I’m going to do it. Just wish I didn’t have to do everything, every single thing alone.
I even got mad at Scott again, I wrote a poem that started out, “Why did you have to turn out to be such a shit?” LOL. Actually, writing that helped me finally get to sleep, lol. But I don’t think I’ll publish it. I was allowing myself to feel way too sorry for myself, and blaming him for my solitude. Well, yeah, he is culpable, but not completely. I chose to love him despite every red flag, even many out of his own mouth. My mother used to say, “No one can tell you anything…..”. LOL. Yes, I’m way too independent for my own good at times.
Last night was one of those times. My independence had me alone, and I wasn’t happy about it. This morning…I am fine with it, lol. I have a lot to do today. Have to get to the store, I have to make cookies to take to a cookie swap, and will be with people I love and who love me tonight.
Feelings pass. We have to learn to honor them, to let ourselves feel them, and sooner or later, we move on to a different place. I finally slept, maybe about 5 or 6 hours which is about average anyway. I have to consciously change my course and open my heart to all the possibilities. Again.
Just some introspective musings this Saturday morning. Love and light to all.