Working Through the Angst

This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.

I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.

When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.

He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”

So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.

He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.

Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.

Love and light.

2 responses to “Working Through the Angst

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