Energy spiraling
The old spins outward
From deep in my heart
Into the ethers.
The new comes from the cosmos,
Gyrating tightly into my center.
Renewing my psyche,
My soul refilling.
Endings and beginnings
Merge as space and time dissolve.
Evolution blossoms,
Roots deep in the past, drawn from the future.
I was at that place today
You know the one.
You’ve been there too.
Daydreams collide
Fiction and fantasy
What was and what wasn’t
What could be and what can’t.
What is, and what isn’t.
Confusion and conflict wove
My head and my heart
Into a chaotic tapestry
Of love and pain, regret and hope.
Things I’d forgotten,
Or, tried to,
Danced rings around my psyche
Spiraling around me
Squeezing the breath out of me.
Days yet to come
Jousted for position
Among the dancers
Painting the pictures with the wind
On the surface of my soul.
I stayed there til it settled.
The spinning stopped,
The dancers grew tired,
The jousting painters dipped their brushes
Tentatively, beginning their work.
And I, in the center,
Of all that commotion
Regained myself.
Yesterday was one of those days where I slipped backward, by my own hand. I didn’t have to continue that conversation. I chose to. There is a momentary comfort in speaking to him as we used to. And then there is the utter sadness again as I have to face the fact that we’re just pretending.
Today I look forward. It’s cold here this morning. Around freezing. I hear my furnace go on, burning that fuel oil. It could be worse. It’s snowing in Denver, crazy snowing. Soon enough it will be snowing here. It will be my last winter. Next winter, I hope to be walking on the beach, not wrapping up in blankets. Hoping coconuts don’t fall on my car and dent it. Hanging out with my sister and my mother and my friends. Making new friends. Maybe I’ll have found a new love by then, someone who actually can want me the way I want him. I’ll wake up and sit outside, with my coffee, and my blog. Smelling bouganvilla and hibiscus. I can almost feel the balmy air on my neck.
I won’t be snow-blowing, or raking leaves, or crying about a relationship that would never work. Maybe by then I’ll just think of him fondly for a moment, and then, smiling, run to the arms of the man who wants me. For a long time, I thought I’d share it with him, but now, I know, I’ll share it with someone else, who knows what he wants and knows what he wants is me. I believe it can happen. I’m excited at the prospect.
I am grateful this morning, for my life. For my home, for my peeps, for my breath, for my health. For my dreams….oh this morning mostly for my dreams, which lift me out of the dark doldrums, and living in the past and point me to a future, full of love and light.
Starting today.
I struggled yesterday wanting to contact him. I almost sent him some music, Silver Spring by Fleetwood Mac, and later, Laughing by Crosby Stills and Nash. Both times I typed them and deleted them but came close to sending them. Then late last night I almost sent him a short message, “Are you bored with her yet?” But realized that would open the door to him, and lead him to thinking I wanted him back, and I don’t. I’m not used to him being gone yet, but there’s no way back to where we were. So there’s no point in engaging. Instead I sent a good night message to A, and got back, “Good night sweetie.” What a difference in men. One hell bent to destroy me, one heaven sent to make me happy.
Today I have a chance to begin again. Today I have another chance to put him in the past. I loved and lost, but I gained a better sense of who I am, and what I want, and deserve. A better sense that I am worthy of love and belonging, not some dysfunctional relationship.
I have a meet and greet date today with the man I’ve been talking to all week. We both seem to be excited about it. Maybe today is the day. Going to Sam’s Club with my son to stock up the house. Going to Home Depot at some point this week to get the stuff I need to get my deck painted/stained. Have to upload my pics of the wedding and get them off to family. Oh, and clean the house, lol.
I have to get a lot more of my book for my spiritual book club read, since we meet on Tuesday! I have been engrossed with Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, which has helped me to stand back up after S. The book for book club seems good too, It’s Awaken the Spirit Within by Rebecca Rosen. So far I like it. She’s a spiritual psychic, and has a great perspective.
So my weekend will be busy and productive. I will keep my crown on, and remember that I am worthy. My rejection by a man who is so dysfunctional is no reflection on me, but on him. I have taken his crown back, and will hold it in safe-keeping for a man who deserves to be my partner.
Onward….
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