Home Again, Finnegan

 

I’m back home, and it didn’t take but about a half hour and a phone call from my son to remind me why I want to move to Florida.  They are predicting a nor’easter for Monday, maybe.  Which is one of those horrible low pressure systems that sits off the coast of New England, and sucks cold air down from Canada and moist air off the ocean and can produce snow and wind like a blizzard.  Let’s just pray the forecast changes.  I am into the warm weather after a week in Florida, not the return of winter!!

Flights were good, I got in a half hour early.  I’m totally unpacked. My kitty Maggie is happy to see me.

I have been reading “All The Light We Cannot See” by Andrew Doerr. It was recommended to me by a friend at work long ago, and then also by S. He sent me a picture of the cover, and said he really liked it and thought I would like it too. That was in the time between dumping me, and when I found the depth of the deceptions, the time when he was still actively trying to get me to come see him when B was not around.

(I keep wanting to say something snarky, about our supposed ‘sexual’ only relationship, which involved discussing books, but am refraining. In fact, I still have a book of his here, Voyage by Sterling Hayden, that I haven’t read yet, which he gave/loaned me when I was at his house in January. Again, refraining.)

I finished “All the Light” on the plane. It took me awhile to get into it, just because it did. I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but as it went on, I really loved it. I read about 150 pages on the way to my sisters, and about 200 today, to finish it. It was one of those books you hate to have end. I didn’t quite have the reaction S did, but when I finished, I needed to close my eyes and think about all the light we cannot see. I kind of found myself wishing I could just talk to S about it, and about his reaction to the ending.

It was a fleeting thought, lol. Just habit I guess. He and I talked so much, I do miss having someone I can just run stuff by. But he’s the wrong one, lol.

We’re reading The Tapping Solution for book club this month. It’s a how-to book on meridian tapping. I’m not really into that, but I guess it’s another tool to use should I need one. I tend to just live through things, I don’t think there’s really any shortcut to dealing with emotionally traumatic situations except to sit with them, allow yourself to feel them, and then watch as they disappear.

I do see though, that sometimes, it’s possible to get so anxious that a person can’t function without a little help. Who knows, with the task I have in front of me with this move, I may get that anxious! I’m going to have to keep the house I found quiet at work until I’m ready to give notice.

I need to get another fiction book to read now. Maybe I’ll see if I like the one S gave me. I have a list of books I want to read, so I guess what I should do is go to Amazon and “look inside” all of them, and pick one if I don’t like Voyage””.

Anyway, it’s good to be home, on my couch, in my jammies, watching the Voice, writing a blog. Especially knowing I’ve made some good solid progress on my dreams.

Love, light and laughter, all.

Maybe Today is the Day

Starting today.

I struggled yesterday wanting to contact him.  I almost sent him some music, Silver Spring by Fleetwood Mac, and later, Laughing by Crosby Stills and Nash. Both times I typed them and deleted them but came close to sending them.  Then late last night I almost sent him a short message, “Are you bored with her yet?” But realized that would open the door to him, and lead him to thinking I wanted him back, and I don’t.  I’m not used to him being gone yet, but there’s no way back to where we were.  So there’s no point in engaging.  Instead I sent a good night message to A, and got back, “Good night sweetie.”  What a difference in men.  One hell bent to destroy me, one heaven sent to make me happy.

Today I have a chance to begin again.  Today I have another chance to put him in the past.  I loved and lost, but I gained a better sense of who I am, and what I want, and deserve.  A better sense that I am worthy of love and belonging, not some dysfunctional relationship.

I have a meet and greet date today with the man I’ve been talking to all week.  We both seem to be excited about it. Maybe today is the day.  Going to Sam’s Club with my son to stock up the house.  Going to Home Depot at some point this week to get the stuff I need to get my deck painted/stained.  Have to upload my pics of the wedding and get them off to family. Oh, and clean the house, lol.

I have to get a lot more of my book for my spiritual book club read, since we meet on Tuesday!  I have been engrossed with Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, which has helped me to stand back up after S.  The book for book club seems good too, It’s Awaken the Spirit Within by Rebecca Rosen.  So far I like it.  She’s a spiritual psychic, and has a great perspective.

So my weekend will be busy and productive.  I will keep my crown on, and remember that I am worthy.  My rejection by a man who is so dysfunctional is no reflection on me, but on him.  I have taken his crown back, and will hold it in safe-keeping for a man who deserves to be my partner.

Onward….