Yesterday was one of those days where I slipped backward, by my own hand. I didn’t have to continue that conversation. I chose to. There is a momentary comfort in speaking to him as we used to. And then there is the utter sadness again as I have to face the fact that we’re just pretending.
Today I look forward. It’s cold here this morning. Around freezing. I hear my furnace go on, burning that fuel oil. It could be worse. It’s snowing in Denver, crazy snowing. Soon enough it will be snowing here. It will be my last winter. Next winter, I hope to be walking on the beach, not wrapping up in blankets. Hoping coconuts don’t fall on my car and dent it. Hanging out with my sister and my mother and my friends. Making new friends. Maybe I’ll have found a new love by then, someone who actually can want me the way I want him. I’ll wake up and sit outside, with my coffee, and my blog. Smelling bouganvilla and hibiscus. I can almost feel the balmy air on my neck.
I won’t be snow-blowing, or raking leaves, or crying about a relationship that would never work. Maybe by then I’ll just think of him fondly for a moment, and then, smiling, run to the arms of the man who wants me. For a long time, I thought I’d share it with him, but now, I know, I’ll share it with someone else, who knows what he wants and knows what he wants is me. I believe it can happen. I’m excited at the prospect.
I am grateful this morning, for my life. For my home, for my peeps, for my breath, for my health. For my dreams….oh this morning mostly for my dreams, which lift me out of the dark doldrums, and living in the past and point me to a future, full of love and light.