My heart feels a little heavy this morning. Maybe too much red wine last night. Maybe not. I feel guilty that my friend is going through this health issue alone. That I am not with him. But then again, he’s made it clear that that’s how he wants it, and I need to quit projecting onto him how I would feel about it. I think he knows, or should know, anyway, that energetically I am there.
And then again….while I am with him energetically, the actual not being there, physically, emotionally….I don’t feel bad about. Because I was broken, once more, and the pieces are not put back together. I don’t know if they can be. I think too many times I’ve been broken. Broken when he fucked the prison whore, broken when he would come have sex and leave, or tell me after that we needed not to see each other so much. Broken when he would ignore my needs. And broken, now, by a week of not knowing what was wrong wit him, meanwhile trying to do as he asked while I waited until he could or would tell me, broken by him not showing up and not even telling me he wasn’t coming. He was capable. He has been going to work, if he can work, he is certainly capable of realizing he should have let me know, and at least, the very least, texting me to say he wasn’t coming. The blatant disregard was just more than I could deal with on top of his refusal to tell me what is wrong with his health. I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, that was all that I needed to push me in.
It just occurred to me, he thinks that it was about my temper, about me being angry. He doesn’t understand the concept of hurt, I guess. It was pain, on my part. Not anger. It was me crying out in pain. It was a broken, yet again, heart.
I guess he can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I had, and have for him. I need to let it go.
But now I have no idea how he is. Is he in the hospital? Is he still in pain? Is he having surgery? Is he scared? Does he want me there now? Now, that he’s pushed me away? I can’t ask, I can’t know. I need to move on.
It was never mine to deal with, I was never included, I was never in the loop. He always preferred to be alone. I need to move on.
I’ll continue to ask the universe to take care of him. I’ll continue to send him love and light and healing energy. My soul and his, I know are connected in ways I can’t explain and sometimes wish weren’t, because it makes the letting go so hard, when I know the cord which connects us in that way is strong.
But I need to let go and move on, and not change who he is by asking to be brought into his life.