Just Wondering, WTF Was I Thinking?


I guess that phantom phone call got me thinking, about WTF I was thinking for so long….

It seems long ago now, suddenly. How much I loved a man, and how much I was betrayed. What strikes me this morning is I am trying to fathom what I was thinking, then. To love someone so much who will never love anyone but themselves. And that, only superficially.

I say superficially because this man doesn’t love himself enough to behave in ways that make him proud. He doesn’t love himself enough to take care of himself. He doesn’t do the things in a relationship that take care of it. He only makes sure he is getting his needs met, which translates to getting his ego fed. If he meets the needs of the other person, it is as part of trying to get his needs met, it’s not out of genuine care and concern. And I think that’s true across the board for him. I think he may use different ploys for different people, but it remains the truth. I’ve watched him.  I’ve also watched him pursue behaviors that result in reinforcing his low self esteem, setting himself up so he can say, “see, it’s all I deserve.  I’m a bad person.”

So anyway, I’m just wondering now, with all this time passed, WTF I was thinking? I’m not angry, I don’t dislike him. I have said over and over I will always love him, and, well, I guess I will. But I love everyone, or try to. Him no more or less than anyone else at the moment. But what I was thinking? IDK, do you think when you’re in love? He had lots of lovable qualities, I guess. The first being that he could make me laugh. He was funny, creative, smart. We had a wonderful physical connection. But he was completely self absorbed. When push came to shove it was always him first. He treated me so badly at times, and I just kept coming back for more, believing that he just needed experience unconditional love.

I guess the distance between us now, the physical distance has given me some perspective. I guess that move has enabled me to meet men who are funny, creative, smart, AND kind, gentle, loving, and generous. Men who try to take care of themselves and their loved ones. Men who squeeze your hand when they’re happy, sitting at a table with you. Men who behave in ways that will keep drama out of their lives, and people in.

Since I believe that our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls, I guess he was another life lesson for me. Now, far enough away from it, the complete lesson is coming into focus. At least part of it is, I think, to know that I can love that passionately, that fiercely, that deeply. That’s a good thing to know. He was practice. I’m sure there’s a man here who can match my ability to love, and celebrate it.

I suppose, based on the phantom phone call dream, that the connection we have had will remain, but will probably remain dormant. It originates on a level I can’t really comprehend, and will most likely always be there, but will not take over my life anymore. Life is for living in the present moment. His journey is his now, and mine is mine, and the paths have diverged far apart. That’s the present moment.

Glad to be moved on from all that. Stomach bug and car accident not withstanding, I’m very happy with the move I’ve made. It was 85 yesterday and I was at the beach. Not dressed in multiple layers and still shivering, lamenting the fact that I was burning up a ton of fuel oil. Yep, life is good, and exactly what I’ve dreamed of.

Love and light, all.

A Larger Perspective


I was looking for a poem I wrote last summer or spring, and in the process, glanced at a lot of my old blogs from that time.

That time when S was playing us both.  I wrote mostly about the pain, mostly about how I missed him, mostly about how he pushed me away and when I was gone, pulled me back.  The only joy I wrote about all summer was when I was with friends.

I didn’t write about when he came to see me much.  I think, I didn’t want anyone to read that I was with him, after he’d been treating me so callously.  I didn’t want to appear weak to anyone, that I allowed him into my bed, when it was obvious that was all he was going to give me.  I was embarrassed by my own weakness.

Why in God’s name did I allow that to just go on?  Damn, I loved that man way beyond what was healthy.  I don’t know why I was so smitten with him, when he obviously had an agenda that didn’t include my happiness, except to give me a few hours of his time every week or two.  Why, why was I so weak?

In between I was not talking him, or trying not to, or telling myself to just let go, to walk away, that what he wanted was not what I wanted.

He was good at the pull back thing.  Sweet, funny, sexy.  It was like he hypnotized me.  As if I was powerless.  I guess what I wanted was him, at the end of the day.   So I allowed it.  Always willing to give it one more try, when I thought he was.

It’s amazing how our perceptions can change.  I made up so many excuses for him, I listened to him make up excuses and believed him.  I was led down the path with him SO many times and disappointed.  I listened and believed his intricate web of lies. I accepted so much less than I deserved.

I don’t know who I was then.  I really don’t.


And him?  Who the hell was he?  A figment of my imagination.  Intriguing I guess, like a puzzle that I wanted put together.  I thought the finished picture would be way different than it was.

I knew he loved Betty at one time.  I just wish he’d been honest with me, and told me she came back.   I would have deferred to that relationship, we’d still be friends, they’d still be together, and everyone would be ok.  Instead, 3 hearts are broken, and 3 lives are ripped apart, because he couldn’t tell me the truth.  If he loved her, which he said to me the last time I talked to him, the day he called me begging me to lie to her for him, why would he dishonor her like that?

He has no idea what real love is.  He thinks it’s a web you catch someone in.

Well, he caught me.  I guess he caught her too.  I cut myself out, patiently allowing the truth to surface, and in the process, created an opening for her to free herself from his web too.

Since I don’t know her, at all….maybe she’ll forgive him one day.  Maybe he’s learned his lesson and will be able to convince her.  .

Personally, I think he is unable to say no to any woman who offers it to him if he thinks he can get away with it.

I would have liked to talk to Betty at some point.  I just would like to know the story from her side.  I’d like to clarify any questions she has.  I’d like to know she will be ok.

A lot of lessons were learned in the 18 months I was with him.  Lessons about trust, mostly, and loving myself first.  About self-respect.  And mostly about being naive.

Yeah, I loved him, and that was real.  And I love him now.  Because, I can’t hate someone I loved that much.  It’s not the same.  I just hope he doesn’t live out his life holding onto pain and hate and anger and sorrow.  But he loves the darkness, it’s where he’s comfortable, and all he’s ever known.

The good thing is…reading old blogs didn’t make me want to go back there.  It made me see how much of myself I was losing, that I lost.  Reading them made me want to get farther away.  I’m feel like I am walking away at light speed now.  Gathering up the lost pieces, and putting them back together, one by one.  Feeling almost whole.

I didn’t mean to dissect this again today.  I am just pleased to see where I’ve come from where I was.  It was all about a greater perspective today, the kind you can only get with distance.  I don’t think I’ll need to revisit it.