Emotional Packing



I’ve found I can only pack and sort things for about 2 or 3 hours a day. I just get too emotional. So attached to some things, which it would be stupid to take, but it’s so hard to let them go. One of them….well, I just stuffed it in a box. It was a huge teddy bear that was a Christmas gift to my son for his first Christmas. I just couldn’t let it go. It’s been sitting in the rocking chair in my room since forever, even before I left his father.

So many other things. I had emails between S and I that I’d printed out, I had pieces of writing from 20 years ago, I had memories, memories. So hard. I managed to throw most of that stuff out, but it made me melancholy, to be leaving everything I have known as an adult. I lay down on the chaise in my living room and cried for a few minutes. I laid down on my bed, and just closed my eyes to process all that has happened to me in the 40 years I’ve lived here.Everything that has brought me to this moment, of packing up my life of 40 years, and sorting out the things I want to take with me.  Lay there for about an hour.

My son asked me twice today what was wrong. I just said, “You know, it’s just big changes…so many big changes.” But I decided that I was done packing and sorting for the day. I changed my clothes, put on some makeup and went to the store to get laundry detergent and limes so I could have a drink when I got back, maybe read a book or something.

I got to the store, and as the universe does, I walked through the parking lot right into my bff who I am able to tell anything to, and told her how my morning was. She knows me, she gets it. She is always, has always been there for me. Even when I didn’t listen to her about S, she stuck with me while I figured it out. So we talked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me to run into her. She said she’d pick me up at the airport on the 8th when I get home. Awesome.

When I got home, instead of making the drink I was going to, I made a frozen peach strawberry daiquiri for my son and myself. It wasn’t bad, considering it was the first time I’ve made one in maybe 20 years, lol. Then I sat on the couch and began really mapping out our trip to Denver. We’re going to do somewhere around 500 miles a day, and then the last day only have about 350 to do. I got hotel phone numbers so we can call and make reservations.

Then I did the same for the trip to Florida which is a full day shorter.

Then a girl which whom he is close friends came over, had the last of the daiquiris and they decided they’d make me dinner. 🙂  Good kids.

I think I’m at the point I can stop obsessing about making sure everything is packed up for my mover’s date. I think I’m well ahead of the game now. When I stop working next weekend, I’ll have all week to get most of the house finished. I will leave the kitchen until I get back from Denver.

It gets more real every day. Most everyone I know I’ll see again. They’ll be down to see me, or I’ll be up to see them. There are some people I won’t see again though, and some I won’t get to say goodbye to. I guess I just have to do the best I can. The love I have for them will always be. I think they know that.

Love and light, all.

Gliding Home to the Music

It’s snowing AGAIN. I think I’m getting used to it, because it is not pissing me off so much. Really for a month it has snowed every 3rd day. At first it was like a foot, all the time, sometimes more. Now it’s about 3” or 4”, maybe 6”. But not enough to keep me home, not enough to panic about. Just enough to make me take the long way home, that has no hills, but takes me an hour.

So I sit in my car, put on my music, make sure my water bottle has water in it, and prepare for a long slow drive on the back roads. Every song has a million memories, or provokes a million thoughts. Easy to drift away, as long as I keep my eyes on the road.

Neil Young, Like a Hurricane. “You’re like a hurricane, there is calm in your eyes….” The coolest guitar riff in the middle of that song. Old time rock and roll. “But I’m getting blown away, to somewhere safer where the feeling stays…” Oh, been there. Been there.

Fleetwood Mac, Silver Spring. “Did you say she was pretty? Did you say that she loved you? I don’t wanna know, baby, I don’t wanna know….” Been there too…. “So I began not to love you, turn around and see me running. I’ll say I loved you years ago. I’ll say you never loved me, no…..” Yep. That’s how it was….

Blind Faith, Can’t find My Way Home. “And I’m wasted, and I can’t find my way home.” That could be a whole entry, how many times I have been lost, and looking for way to get back home? Too many…

Van Morrison, Have I told you Lately? Such a beautiful song. Just so beautiful. Still waiting to sing it, and have it sung to me.

David Crosby, Music is Love. It is, isn’t it? Everybody’s sayin it sayin it sayin it.

Van Morrison, Someone Like You. “I’ve been travelin’ a hard road, Had been lookin’ for someone exactly like you, I’ve been carryin my heavy load, Waiting for the light to come shining through.” The eternal search.

Judy Collins, In My Life. This is my favorite Beatles song. And I love Judy Collins clear strong voice singing it. “There are places in my life, I’ll remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some are gone and some remain. But you know they’ll never be forgotten, the people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them, but in my life, I love you more. ” Oh there are so many, so many of those places. The list grows daily.

I could go on and on. Every song is a chapter in the story of my life. I love them all. I could listen to them over and over again. And do, lol.

But that’s the way, I guess, to live like water with another New England snowfall. Just put the music on and glide home.