Feeling The Joy Again, Finally

joy balloon

Boy.  The closer I get to not having to work, the less I want to go every day.  So here I sit, Monday morning, just wishing it was 2 months from now and (hopefully) my house would be sold and I’d be packing to leave.

I am not good with the transitory phase.  Once I decide I want to go in another direction, I just want to be there. When I visit family or friends, and the day comes where I have to go home, I just want to beam myself home, (“Beam me up, or in this case home, Scotty”).  That’s about where I am today, Monday morning.

I’d so much rather be doing something that would facilitate my moving, than going to work.  I think I will work a little when I get to Florida, maybe 20 hours a week.  But it won’t be a job like this, no serious responsibility, or big decisions to make.  Something mindless and maybe even fun, lol.

On top of not wanting to work, especially on Monday, when I have to work til 7, it is snowing.  It snowed yesterday.  Give it up winter!  It was 60’s last week, now it’s 30’s and snowing.  Another reason I want to get out of town, lol.  I have never lived where there wasn’t winter to deal with, and I am SOOO looking forward to it.

I was talking to my sister yesterday, telling her how I was packing up clothes to give away that I won’t need.  Looking in my coat closet, at my 5 or 10 winter coats.  She said, “well you’ll need a warm jacket, and maybe a coat, once in a while.  But you won’t need your ice scraper!  Or your mittens!”  We laughed, me, I almost cried, lol.  I will be so happy never to walk out into 0° temps again, with 5 layers of thick clothing and still be cold.  I hate being cold.  I am too old to be cold.  I won’t ever have my house set at 62°(F) again, when it’s so cold that to sit on the couch with my lap top, I am dressed my fleece pajamas, slipper boots, a thick pink robe, and a blanket over me.  (This just made me think of Scott, without being upset, lol.  He hated my pink robe.  He called it the “dreaded pink robe.”  If I wanted to make him laugh I’d send him a pic of me in it. Well those are old days, a funny memory.)

Do you suppose I’ll ever complain about the heat in Florida? I suppose. If I do, then…I’ll have to call my friends up here, in New England, or my friend up in the Adirondacks of New York, and see if I can come visit for a bit. I think I can find a bed. Airfare is cheap between Tampa and here.

Speaking of my friend from upstate NY, I think she’s coming to visit me next month. I want her to come before I leave here. She is an old high school buddy, we will have so much fun.

My new male friend will call tonight. He sent a message saying he would, and so far, he has done exactly as he says. Marbles in the jar. He’s reliable. He does what he says he will, time after time. Maybe we will make plans to meet, that would be nice. I look forward to talking to him, he has this easy, kind manner, his voice is relaxing. I feel like maybe we could be good friends, if nothing else, because I’m leaving.

I feel recovered this morning, from all my emotional upset that was wrapped around Maggie’s passing. Back to being excited about moving, about my new life. The old emotions have retreated to the place where they belong. They have a place in my heart always. But I feel, at the moment anyway, that I am done obsessing about them. There is so much for me to be happy about, grateful for, excited about. These are the things which will occupy my mind today.

Oh, and work, lol. I guess work will also still have to take up some of my space today. But not for long. Lots of joy in my heart this morning.

Love and light.

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Life is Moving Along Happily

Forward-motion-forward-life

My sister and brother-in-law put in an offer on the house yesterday.  Someone else had come in with an offer contingent on financing, so we needed to get our cash offer in.  I’m pretty sure they will take the cash offer, though they may counter.  I’m prepared for that.  I should find out this weekend, maybe even today!

I’m so excited about this, though trying to hold back a little.  It will require a home inspection, which hopefully will take place next week.  They could find something that’s big and hidden, but I’m hopeful not.  The seller says it was inspected when the remodeling was done.

If it goes through, it will so simplify my move to have a place waiting for me.  I won’t have to store my stuff and rent a place in Florida while I look for a house.  I’ll be able to move it right in.  I can even go down there before hand, and start getting things in place, measuring to know exactly what I can bring from my house in Connecticut, what I have to sell off or give away.

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a sister and brother-in-law who would loan me the money, that much money….  I keep pinching myself.  Really.  I’m almost giddy, but I’m reserving that for acceptance of our offer, and a good inspection.

My focus here needs to be on getting this house ready to sell.  That has begun in earnest, I’ll get even more into it this weekend and next. I keep asking that it sells easily and quickly.  That’s the intention I’m setting.

It’s supposed to snow here Sunday.  It was in the 60’s for the last few days, and now a return to winter with a major nor’easter on Sunday afternoon and Monday, up to a foot of snow.  My son and I are so disgusted, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I am so ready for shorts and flip-flops, lol.  I’m praying they change the forecast.

Lots of exciting things going on.  Big changes, welcome changes.  Facing forward, always.

 

Thoughts on Compassion

thich nhat hanh compassion quotes

It seems that winter has hit the northeast USA today.  It is cold, but not unseasonably so.  It’s just hovering around freezing.  But that’s the problem, it’s precipitating, and it’s sleet, not snow.  Frozen pellets falling from the sky.

Thankfully, I don’t have to work.  Thankfully it’s supposed to change to rain by late morning.  However, I had a dental appointment at 8 AM for a crown, which I just canceled.  To get there I have to drive over a huge hill, in some places it would be called a small mountain.  And there are accidents galore on the highways this morning.  I’m guessing that getting out of my driveway would be challenging.  So, now I have to wait to get this crown done.  I hope the tooth does not fall apart in the meantime.

I still am waiting to hear from the vet for an appointment for Maggie.  I called them late last evening, so I’m guessing they will call back this morning.

So, I’m home for the morning anyway.  I think I may make some jewelry.  I have so many lovely stones I can wire-wrap.  I need to use that part of my brain for awhile.  It will refresh my outlook on things.  Give me some perspective. 

Tomorrow I’m going to see Joy  with Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert DeNiro with a few of my friends, and get a bite to eat.  Looking forward to it.  Although, I may have to take Maggie to the vet tomorrow also.  If I don’t get an appointment tomorrow, I’ll have to wait til next week, I doubt that it would get done New Year’s Eve. 

I did a guided meditation on Forgiveness this morning.  I chose that one, because I felt I was slipping backwards a bit.  I know from the experience with my ex-husband that the only way I can move forward and truly let go of the past is to forgive.  I see my ex now as the flawed damaged person he is, who is still seeking the unconditional love, though he doesn’t believe in it, and in his damaged psyche, doesn’t believe he deserves it.  Which is how, in my heart, I see Scott too. 

I know too much about both men, I know what their lives were like as children, I know the struggles they went through.  I know my ex’s from experience, from almost 40 years of living with his extended family and seeing the dysfunction in action.  I know Scott’s experience from what he told me.  I believe it to be true, because his actions, and his relationships with his sister and his mother bear the stories out. 

When I know this, and see this, I have to feel compassion.  I don’t have to feel love in the way that I did, I don’t have to want to be with them, but I have to feel compassion.  I am just more comfortable that way. 

I believed with Scott that if I loved him unconditionally, as he had never been, it would eventually bring him around.  That was my Pollyanna side, because one person’s unconditional love for that time was not going to be enough to undo years of conditioning.  It was my naivete.  I was coming off of the power it had to give my son strength, but my son had my unconditional love for his whole life, and had a frame of reference.  Scott had none, and so, had no reason to believe that it was real, that I was not just naive and stupid.  In hindsight, he had affection for me, but it was very mixed with his own self-centered self-absorbed desires, and needs.  He is a typical child of an abusive dysfunctional household. 

My ex’s childhood was similar, with different twists.  I know first hand how verbally and emotionally abusive his father could be, because I worked for him for 20 years, before we bought the business, and he visited it upon me a few times. I also know how his mother passively endorsed the abuse, while professing love for her children. It was not until I left that marriage that I learned about abuse, that I even realized there was a name for what I lived through.  I found an online community of over 8000 members, and I remember reading their posts, thinking “Oh My God!  There are OTHER people who have lived with this!  There’s  NAME for what he did to me!”  I remained very active in that community for at least 5 years.  I went in naive, I came out with an education.  The friends I made there are still some of my closest friends.  We still call on each other as our children deal with the repercussions of abuse.

Combine this education, with embarking on a spiritual path, to regain my sense of self, to rediscover who I was when I left my marriage.  Because when you live with abuse, you end up spending 24/7 just trying to keep the peace.  Just trying to stay a step ahead of the abuser, to protect yourself and your kids.  You try to become what they want, so they will be happy.  Of course, they always change what they want, the minute you achieve it, so that you never know what’s going to come at you.  A true honest mind-fuck of the first degree.

I began to recognize the same pattern with Scott, with his push pull game.  The same thing, in a different form. Which is why I kept trying to break up with him, but was unable to let go.  Until, it’s all I could do to save myself.

I cleansed my pendulums this morning with white sage and asked some very pointed questions.  I got what I believe are real answers, and I’m going to try to follow the path that they put me on. They were questions and answers about dealing with these issues with compassion.  Both men and the issues still come into my head way too much, and I don’t want to fear them, I don’t want to hate them, I don’t want to feel angry. 

There was something for me to learn in both situations, and I think, something for me to teach.  If the student refuses the lesson, that’s not my problem.  I think I’ve learned mine.  I’m open to them, and to any that are still hanging out there for me to learn.

I sense that my ex has been humbled.  Not completely, but he is sounding more like he’s reaching out, that he misses having some communication with someone who knows him.  That’s a good thing.  I won’t get caught in his web again, but it’s possible that now that he’s lost everything, and I mean everything….he can be a little vulnerable, because he has nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I’m not jumping in, but neither will I be afraid to communicate with him.

Scott, I don’t sense much from.  I think he’s closed whatever small opening he had in his heart that would have allowed love to enter and to extend from him.  I do sense though, that perhaps he’s doing what I suggested, and taking some time to re-evaluate the way he lives.  He’s not doing this because I suggested it, he’s doing it because in his mind he’s lost everything too.  He’s heading into his final years, when he should be retiring, and enjoying life with people he loves, but he’s all alone.  His ploy to keep people in his life based on deception didn’t work.  So I hope he’s going to go within, and try to find his own light.  I still can see that soul, I still can see his light. I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my feelings for him:  love, hate, anger, compassion, longing, repulsion….. 

At the end of the day, I have to go with compassion, because it’s my comfort zone.  It’s what I believe in my heart to be the only way to move forward.  My pendulums seem to concur with that. 

One thing I learned in the abuse community was that hurt people hurt people.  I am no exception.  When each of these men hurt me, I hurt them back.  My words with Scott, while true….were scathing. My actions with my ex, while necessary for my survival and my son’s, blindsided him.  I make no apologies, really, because Scott devastated me, I had to release that pain.  My ex was on a quest to steal my soul…my son…my breath.  If I didn’t leave him we both would have died, literally…because the dysfunction was truly affecting our health.  My son would have never seen that there is a different way to live, he would have been doomed to repeat what he did not understand.

Lord, I did not expect this blog to go here.  But it did, and that’s the reason I write mostly.  To work things out, to express things that I am trying to understand, and in the expression to find the understanding.  If you made it this far, thank you. 

Love and light.

 

 

 

Gliding Home to the Music

It’s snowing AGAIN. I think I’m getting used to it, because it is not pissing me off so much. Really for a month it has snowed every 3rd day. At first it was like a foot, all the time, sometimes more. Now it’s about 3” or 4”, maybe 6”. But not enough to keep me home, not enough to panic about. Just enough to make me take the long way home, that has no hills, but takes me an hour.

So I sit in my car, put on my music, make sure my water bottle has water in it, and prepare for a long slow drive on the back roads. Every song has a million memories, or provokes a million thoughts. Easy to drift away, as long as I keep my eyes on the road.

Neil Young, Like a Hurricane. “You’re like a hurricane, there is calm in your eyes….” The coolest guitar riff in the middle of that song. Old time rock and roll. “But I’m getting blown away, to somewhere safer where the feeling stays…” Oh, been there. Been there.

Fleetwood Mac, Silver Spring. “Did you say she was pretty? Did you say that she loved you? I don’t wanna know, baby, I don’t wanna know….” Been there too…. “So I began not to love you, turn around and see me running. I’ll say I loved you years ago. I’ll say you never loved me, no…..” Yep. That’s how it was….

Blind Faith, Can’t find My Way Home. “And I’m wasted, and I can’t find my way home.” That could be a whole entry, how many times I have been lost, and looking for way to get back home? Too many…

Van Morrison, Have I told you Lately? Such a beautiful song. Just so beautiful. Still waiting to sing it, and have it sung to me.

David Crosby, Music is Love. It is, isn’t it? Everybody’s sayin it sayin it sayin it.

Van Morrison, Someone Like You. “I’ve been travelin’ a hard road, Had been lookin’ for someone exactly like you, I’ve been carryin my heavy load, Waiting for the light to come shining through.” The eternal search.

Judy Collins, In My Life. This is my favorite Beatles song. And I love Judy Collins clear strong voice singing it. “There are places in my life, I’ll remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some are gone and some remain. But you know they’ll never be forgotten, the people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them, but in my life, I love you more. ” Oh there are so many, so many of those places. The list grows daily.

I could go on and on. Every song is a chapter in the story of my life. I love them all. I could listen to them over and over again. And do, lol.

But that’s the way, I guess, to live like water with another New England snowfall. Just put the music on and glide home.

A Comfy Cozy Blanket of Snow

It’s snowing again. I live in New England, Connecticut to be exact. And it’s snowed a lot this winter, like well in excess of 4 ft. And been cold. And most of us, even those who usually like a little snow…are sick of dealing with it. But I’m glad this one is on a weekend. I was out with a friend, drove home in it. It wasn’t too bad. But when I got home, I sat down with a glass of wine, found a movie on TV, booted up the computer, and made some popcorn.

It seems a little weird, but I’m one of the people who bitches the most loudly about how much I hate winter. Right now…I feel all comfy cozy, happy, relaxed, relieved to be home. Happy to be happy.

All the stuff with the old relationship is somehow unimportant today. That’s a huge relief. Really. I’m very ready to be done with it and moving on.

I’m about to make myself some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I will have another glass of wine with it. I will worry slightly about my son driving home from work in this, but it’s not going to be that bad, I’m sure he will be ok. Maybe I’ll watch last week’s episode of Downton Abbey or State of Affairs, or something else. I look forward to getting into a bed with clean sheets, reading a little.

Glad to have the drama over with. Glad to be moving on. Relieved to know I won’t be getting middle-of-the-night texts telling me he hates me or is sorry or whatever. Glad for the silence. The sanity. Not missing the mind-fuck.

Sleep will be nice. I will wake up fresh, and free and happy and grateful for the constant warmth and love of friends and family. Life is good.