Warning: This is pretty raw……
Today was difficult. I had that random rogue wave memory hit me today, while I was working. (See last blog) I had to go to the ladies room to keep from crying at my desk. I just don’t understand the mentality.
When he did the prison whore, he called me two days later and couldn’t wait to tell me. He didn’t want the weight of it on him. He said “I did something and it’s gonna hurt.” But he still had to tell me. He had to do the right thing. That was February.
In May, he had me over to his house on a Sunday. Not of course, Saturday night. I had been there in April, a couple weeks before, the night his friend died. (I had been sitting at home, and was overcome with a feeling from him…I called and asked if he was ok. He said “funny you should ask. Gus died last night.” I was there in a few hours. He was sad….really sad. But Ok.) I didn’t think anything of the fact that I hadn’t been with him the night before, now two weeks or so later. He’d had the memorial service for his friend the day/night before. I got there late morning, I think. We made love, we were sitting naked, he on his couch and me in one of his recliners, and he told me he was thinking maybe we didn’t need to see each other every weekend. I remember saying, “I think I want to get dressed.”
He was most likely in her bed the night before, or maybe she had been there and left. More likely he was at her house…which is why I was not at his house the night before. I think Saturday that weekend he might have gone to the memorial get together for his friend who died. I bet she went with him. She knew the friend too. I think they first connected when she commented on his picture on FB. Maybe he even called her to tell her. Since she wasn’t really married…… Maybe he spent the night with her. Maybe their first night together again. Maybe not. Maybe he came home and texted me about it. I can’t remember, it was 7 months ago. But I’m sure he started seeing her then. And then he had me over Sunday.
He just said he wanted to focus on himself, on his house, his yardwork, he’d been in a relationship for all his life, he wanted to see what it was like alone…..He still wanted to see me, just not as often for awhile.
Because he had her now.
(This is only a rough timeline. I didn’t always write about it when I was with him, apparently. I know I was the weekend of March 30. I know that was not the last time I was at his house, so I think this is approximately right.)
But he didn’t respect me or his relationship with her enough to tell me the truth. He could tell me the truth about Samantha the prison whore, but not Betty. He couldn’t tell me the truth about her until I was ready to come down there and find her there. He disregarded everything either of us ever said to him about not wanting any part of a relationship like that.
All summer he tried to get me to be part of an intense physical relationship, but nothing else. Because we had a great physical relationship. When I began to realize that’s what he wanted, I told him to let me go. Not to come see me if he didn’t want to stay. A couple of times he spent the night, I don’t know how that worked with her, that I got him on a Saturday night. Maybe they were fighting. Maybe she went away. Maybe he lied to her. Who the hell knows? But he gave me just enough to hold on.
Now I get why in early May he was excited to go to Florida with me in early June and suddenly did a 180° turn. I knew something was up then, but I couldn’t figure it out. I was angry about it though. He’d found cheap tickets for us, we’d talked about what we’d do…etc. He was going to rent a car so we could fly into Tampa and then he’d have a car while I visited my mom. And suddenly he wouldn’t go. Broke my heart then. And I got over it, because I fucking loved him.
Sometimes I’d agree, “if that’s the only way I can see you then ok….” More and more often the answer became “…..Let me go if that’s what you want. It’s not what I want.” He wouldn’t do that either. I’d say, “You wanting to find yourself and be alone is fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m sitting in the wings waiting for you whenever you get the urge. If you want to be alone, then be alone.”
Of course, he wasn’t, alone. He had her. But he wouldn’t say so. He wanted us both, hanging around. I could see him anytime from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning. He could easily, apparently, go from her bed to mine, or mine to hers.
I remember the day of the eclipse, end of September, Sunday night of the weekend before he dropped his bomb. We were texting…I was telling him that the reason our sex life was so good was because I loved him so much. That I couldn’t even participate if I didn’t love him. He suddenly seemed to hear me….he was going to come here and watch the eclipse. He was getting ready to leave and fell down his stairs and couldn’t move. He was laying on the floor on his back. He had been half-thinking of spending the night because I can go into work late on Monday.
And then he couldn’t come. I think that was true…He had been planning to leave when he called me me from the floor. She wouldn’t have been around on a Sunday night, and never would have known if he came over and spent the night.
So we sat on our own decks and watched it, texting occasionally. We both saw the same shooting star. We texted all week from early in the morning til we went to bed. During work. During lunch. Close, intimate, sweet, sexy.
Right up til we went to bed Friday night. I felt he heard and understood me for the first time in ages. I felt close…he said he did too. He texted me at 4 AM when he woke up “for no reason”. Turns out for plenty of reason. At 10:30 he texted me that he was going to be with her.
Set up. So set up. So set up all summer for him to devastate me. At the moment I loved him the most, he brought me down, he crushed me.
I’ve been pretty good lately. It doesn’t hurt much anymore. Angers me more than hurts. But today, all these random memories from last spring have been just barging into my mind, not knocking at the door, not ringing the doorbell, not asking if they could come in. Slapping my face, ripping open scars, spitting in my face.
All that time. He could tell me about the prison whore, who meant nothing to him. But he couldn’t tell me about Betty, who he claims now, he loved. He couldn’t even honor her by telling me the truth. He couldn’t respect her wishes. He couldn’t honor me or respect me and my wishes. What did I do to deserve that? I loved him so much, I was always there for him. I asked very little of him. Whatever he wanted. We had fun together, we played, we flirted, but for me…it was always within the confines of just us. It was just two people who cared for each other being intimate.
I want to get back to forgiveness. I’m happier there, but tonight I’m hurting. It won’t take so long, it won’t hurt as deep this time but it hurts. He’ll read this, and he’ll hide away from me. What does he care, he didn’t care for those 6 months. He’s probably hiding from Betty too. Why should he wonder if the women whose lives he ripped up for his own pleasure are ok? He can’t do anything about it, but if it was me, I’d still want to know that they were not still laying on the ground bleeding.
I know he’s a sick man. I mean, mentally ill, to do this to anyone. I also know he’s not going to do anything about it. He’s not going to face his demons, he’s going to let them have free rein. He’s going to go to his grave believing that he was hurt by all this. All this that he created, and he set up, and he caused with his lies and deception to feed his own ego. Eventually, I’ll feel sorry for him. Eventually.
Not tonight. Tonight, I’d like to know that he feels the depth of my pain. Tonight I’d like to know he has even a modicum of remorse for the way he shattered me, and left me lying there in pieces. Tonight I’d like to know that it all meant something to him, something more than great sex. I wonder if he knows how much audacity he had to ask me to help him with Betty, after he ripped my heart out and chewed it up and spit it out in a bloody mess. He wanted me to help him deal with the lies and deception of another woman, without any consideration as to what those lies and deception did to me. As if I should just understand, because he didn’t love me, he loved her. As if that somehow made my pain less intense. You’d be hard pressed to make me believe he loved anyone but himself. Playing two women all summer, lying to them both, deceiving them both. That’s not love S. That’s self gratification, like jerking off. One was an old fuck, one was a new one. But we were both just a fuck for you. We both know it.
I know I’ll never get what I wish I’d gotten even a little of. I’m left to dry my own tears, and put my own self back together, and start walking again, away from him, toward a new life.
A friend of mine told me not too long ago that I needed to start focusing on myself, finding myself and who I was before the messy situation with J. He told me to do the things that made me the happiest, so that’s what I started doing. I don’t see J very often anymore and started doing things that made me happy. I haven’t found myself yet, but I’m working on it. And I’m going to give you that same advice. You need to start focusing on yourself. People will tell you that you’re selfish for it, but it’s the truth. Find the small, simple things in life that make you happy, whether it’s reading a book, shopping for a new outfit, going fishing, visiting family, watching the sunset with a glass of wine in your hand, anything that’s simple but you know makes you truly happy. It will take time to completely find yourself again, but spoiling yourself and finding your root cause of self-happiness is just the start of it. When you get a flashback of a memory you two have had, don’t push it away. Embrace it. You were once happy with that memory. Let yourself relive it, just a little bit, and if you have to cry, then let yourself. Don’t push away the memories, don’t push away the tears or the anger you have. Let yourself feel the memories, let yourself cry, and let yourself be angry. The quicker you let your real emotions out, the quicker you will heal.
You’re a strong woman. Keep your head up lady. I hope you feel better soon. 🙂
If you want to view my latest post, use charlie to view.
PrestigeOptimism – that’s very sound, wise advice that I will also pay heed to!
I can’t find a link to your blog – can you possibly share it here?
Deb, I know the feeling of confusion, of wanting answers, of trying to make sense of things. The hardest, almost impossible, thing to accept is that more than likely we’ll never get them.
We’re processing at the moment; the dust has settled, the raw pain has eased, and so the memories start….
As I keep saying – we’ll get there. Eventually ❤ x
I too appreciate your advice Prestige, and it is in fact what I’ve been doing. Writing is my biggest passion, and also allows me to release this kind of stuff into the universe. This morning I feel much better. I am back to feeling disgust, and detached from him. Not even angry. I have assimilated and put those pieces into their place in the history, and have a more complete understanding of what happened to me. Really, only in the last two weeks have I discovered the complete story.
But I write, I meditate, I read, I hang out with my friends, make jewelry, for the most part I know what to do to make myself whole again. But yeah, when things pop up and need attention, we have to just let them, we have to honor that we feel them, see them, that they were part of our lives, and then when they are ready to go, we let them go.
I don’t know what you mean by use Charlie…lol. But I’d like to find your blog!
And Megan, as always…the fact is you know exactly where I’m at. Just dust settling from a random thought bomb, lol. I’m ok this morning. xo