On
The
Edges,
Laying wait
Between sanity
and insanity lies the fringe.
Lies
Peek
Over
Those edges
Selling depravity
To all the poor souls who listen.
Run
From
The fringe.
Before you
Find yourself waylaid
While it’s deadly eyes pierce your heart.
I saw S last night. It was a kind of swan song, I guess, though not so graceful as a swan. We got a take out pizza and took it up to a park and ate it outside, it was nice out, about 70. He had been asking me to talk to me, so I finally relented, having things of my own to ask, and to say.
I wrote a blog last night, and then took it down. I wrote another shorter one, and put it up, but it’s not here this morning, so I don’t know what happened to that one. No big deal. I had just begun to process what happened anyway, and I felt confused, disjointed. I still do, I will for some time.
He says he is not “with” her. That he still does not want some intense loving relationship with anyone. Ok, I can buy that. But he’s spent part of the last two weekends with her, so he obviously would rather be with her than me. I suppose, because I do feel intensely about him. There is nothing about me that is not passionate. The way I loved him, the way I love the ocean, the way I write, the way I feel about anything. She and he don’t talk all week, they never did, he told me that when I met him. He likes that. They would get together on the weekend, for some of the time. I can’t even fathom, a 12 year relationship in which i didn’t communicate with my significant other all week, but got together on the weekend for some semblance of intimacy. I could not even consider it a relationship, to bed someone that I was not involved with 5 days a week, and then suddenly saw on the weekend. It would be like being with a stranger.
He always complained I talked too much. I think he and she occupy the same space at times, but don’t have much to say. He buries his feelings, they are not up for discussion. My feelings…well, my heart is on my sleeve. No one ever has to wonder how i feel. It’s the only way to be connected to the rest of the human race. I know it is the only way to allow love into my life, and creativity, and joy, and trust. I know now that not everyone deserves to hear my story, to have my trust. But still, I will only temper the ease with which I lean into vulnerability, I won’t change it. I think all humans crave connection, I agree with Brene Brown that it is basic to the human psyche.
To fall in love with a man who wished no real connection….well, it was not something I ever considered, that there are people who freely admit they don’t want that deep, rich, full connection with others. In this way, I understand that part of why he is “with” her, or not “with” her, as he says. She wants no connection, nor does he. They are acquaintances, who share some physical intimacy at times, but not really connection, because then they go their separate ways and have no interest in maintaining the tie for the next week. No deepening of it, no reveling in it. Just do it, enjoy it, and go home. It’s a lifestyle I can’t fathom, and can walk away from, and leave it to them.
Personally I think she wanted more, which is why she cheated on him and left him. Perhaps, in practicing disconnect all those year, she was unable to put herself out for someone else, and after the infatuation wore off, she couldn’t connect with her new husband. She also went back to what she was comfortable with. I would expect that she is a lot like S, with walls up to keep people out, and herself walled in. The fact that she could leave him when he was dying, and take all she could from him, is another thing altogether.
I still don’t understand, why he would invite back into his life, someone who did what she did to him. He said he wipes the slate clean, he doesn’t hold a grudge. I said, I don’t hold one with my ex either, I have forgiven him for what he did to me. But would I welcome him, and that, back into my life? No, never. I know what chaos he can cause…I know he hasn’t changed. I know what he would bring. It’s one thing to forgive, it’s quite another to ask to be taken down again by inviting it back in. But it’s not my cross to bear, and I won’t be there to pick up the pieces for him when she does it again.
In the meantime, he has the relationship with which he is comfortable. Physical need fulfilled when he needs it, and not to have to give anything up.
The whole thing makes it much easier to let go. I can love the man, I will always love the time we spent together on my deck, in my bed, driving around on excursions, our funny flirty texts. But knowing that what drives him is an intense desire to be alone, even when he is with someone, just allows me to let go. It is the opposite of what drives me.
I love connection. I love intimacy, emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. I know there are men out there who love it too. I now look forward to finding one, and putting S into the “someone that I once loved” category. It’s where he wants to be.
He said, “Can we still know each other, can’t I still call you and see how you’re doing in Florida?” I suppose, maybe someday, his voice won’t hurt me, it won’t remind me how I loved a man who wanted no part of it. Maybe someday we can be “friends”. The trouble is I will never be that disconnected. The love I feel for him will always be there between us, even when it’s buried, and I have let a new love into my heart, and built a relationship with someone who wants to reciprocate, I’m not sure I can ever talk to him without remembering.
Right now, I am looking forward to moving on, but I’m not moved on yet. I still feel wrecked, broken, confused, rejected. I had hoped for some tenderness from him last night, I guess that’s why I went, hoping he’d at least own the fact that his actions devastated me. But there was none. There was more him telling me it was my own fault, that he was honest with me. He was….but he knew how I felt, and did nothing to mitigate the pain that what he was doing caused me. I can own the fact that I loved him without limit, knowing he didn’t want to, and didn’t feel the same. But so what, he knew. He spent time with me knowing how I felt. He pulled me back to him in every time I tried to leave. Why he did that I don’t know. It was dishonest. There is something abusive about that, being pulled in, just to fulfill his ego, with no intention. “I don’t want you to dump me” he said to me back then. So, he wanted my adoration, he wanted what I did for him. And he used me, and threw me out.
Last night I realized that I am left by myself to find my way back. He says he has feelings too. And he’s all about what he’s feeling, making sure I understand what they are, but he’s not able to feel empathy for me. Disconnect. Walling oneself in, so no one can get in, and you can’t get out, and the only thing that matters is what you feel. As I can’t comprehend the disconnect he has, he cannot fathom the love I felt.
He watched me cry and shake. He made no move to comfort me. He had no remorse, no empathy. Cold.
It was a little hard to take.
But he is who he is. Like I said, I can much more easily let go. I knew when I met with him, that if nothing else, I would get clarity. And really, that’s all I got. But it’s something. It is positive motion. Pretty soon, I’ll stop writing about him. This blog will anger him I’m sure, but that seems to be all he can feel with me anyway. Anger because I wanted to be with him, anger that I loved him and wanted him to love me back. Anger that I wasn’t satisfied with the non-loving relationship he’s been trying to push on me for 6 months now. Anger that I can write so openly about him and I. Don’t worry S, no one will ever know who you are. She walked back into his life, and he could suddenly have that disconnected, shallow relationship that he wants, where he doesn’t have to give anything of himself. Oh, maybe money, maybe things, but not anything of himself.
It was me who finally said, “We really don’t have anything to talk about” and got up to walk to the car. There was no hug and kiss goodbye, there was nothing said. I gave him the pizza I’d bought, that i didn’t eat one piece of. We just each got in our car, and drove home, knowing that there really was no way back.
Disconnected. Over. Done.
Onward, as Liz Gilbert says. Onward.
Add-on: I just remembered, when I talked to him on that fateful Saturday, when he told me he was going to be with her, I asked him if she knew that he texted me at 4 am, that he asked for pictures of me the night before. He said, no. I said “well tell her, she deserves to know the truth. ” When he objected, I said, you tell her, or I will do everything in my power to tell her myself.” At that, he got furious, and threatened me, enough so that I screen-shot the text, for my own protection. So, that he’s not “with” her seems to be her doing, not his. He clearly thought he was “with” her when he spoke to me that morning, and didn’t want any interference of the truth to change it. And now he rewrites history.
So…this morning, after I had cried an inordinate amount of time, I got on FB and chatted with my best friend. The one who told me not to talk about him to her, because she knew he was only going to continue to hurt me. I told her….she felt bad for me. When it comes to our friendship, nothing can really hurt us. When she loves you, she loves you, she’s like me with that, and it’s why we are so close. I thank God that I have people in my life like her. She has always made me feel like family, literally, invites me to every holiday and family gathering of her large boisterous fun clan. They are all used to me, lol. Because I have no family here, it has been a godsend for me.
Then I talked to A, who I totally blew off yesterday, in my pain. A also loves me, like my friend. Unconditionally. I told him in pieces what happened. I have been chatting with him on and off, and today he is such a blessing to me. He lets me know that there are men who can love and be loved unconditionally. He told me again today, that he loves me, but we are purely friends now, because he has chosen to live in the Southwest, and me here and Florida, and nothing else would work. He is so angry that this happened to me, he is as angry as my son. They know it was me who was stupid enough to buy into what S was selling, but still….A has called him a prick. I told him don’t waste your energy hating S, he’s his own worst enemy.
It was A who really has talked me down. He could be mean and bitter, and not talk to me, I have so screwed him over for S. But he isn’t. He loves me so much, he makes me feel good about myself. He thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m funny. He knows I’m flawed, and he just told me he loves my flaws. And we are just friends. We were intimate, once, now we are just friends. He is seeing someone in his new home, and I am happy for him. He said, she knows about you….I said, because you are an honest and loving man.
How different from a man who would blindside me, inflicting as much pain as possible.
Dark vs light. Night vs. Day. Ego vs. spirit. We all choose. Make no mistake, S, you chose to be who you are.
I have been talking to a friend from here on WhatsApp. She and I have similar issues, she has been so helpful. My ex’s cousin, who is a close friend, and is the closest thing to family I have, has helped me a lot too.
So I have people, people who love me, people who support me. I need to surround myself with people like myself, who can love without limit, and accept the same. Whose only dysfunction might be they care too much, lol.
I also reactivated a dating profile on one site. I am just putting the energy out there. I’m free, I’m available, I am willing. And that’s a huge thing, to be willing.
I am beginning to get past it. I can see how toxic S is, for me, for himself. I see so clearly how he is only comfortable with extreme dysfunction. And how I wasn’t, and why our relationship would end every 2 weeks. There was a HUGE physical attraction. There is some kind of energetic connection. But I can have that with someone who can love and appreciate being loved, can’t I?
Pretty soon I’ll block his phone number, so when Betty Boop goes home tonight he can’t reach me. I’ll delete his texts soon, so I don’t see them when I open my app. I’ll get rid of all his pictures. I already did that with some that were my favorites. I don’t want to hear from him, he can’t do anything but give me more pain. I know this is a roller coaster. I know that I will go from anger to pain to healing over and over again. This is the first wave of feeling like I will survive. And it feels fucking good.
I bought a dark chocolate caramel chocolate bar to take him. Or give to him if he came here. Yesterday, I thought I’d throw it away. I though I would gag if I tried to eat it. Today, I think I will open it, and eat some. I’ve wasted enough on him. Why waste $3 more?
So…to paraphase one of my favorite authors, and spiritual guides, Brene Brown, from her TED talk on vulnerability, instead of catastrophizing my life because I got involved with a shit, I will thank God that I can hurt this much, that I could be so passionate, that I can love that deeply, because it means I am alive, and not dead, not walking around numb to this life. And for those that are numb, and settling for a life that will bring them pain after pain, I can’t feel anything but pity.
I’m sitting here so morose. Feeling like I’m the only woman in the world who has ever been played. Only woman who has ever been blindsided by someone she loved. Like no one else has ever felt this kind of pain.
It’s so ridiculous. I have friends who have endured this, and become stronger. Some of these friends actually shared their lives, had kids, and had to somehow get through this same kind of betrayal.
I gave him the power over me. I chose to love him. Last week, he told me I could change things between us. I said, “No, S. If I could have, I would have. But you get to choose who you are going to love, who you are going to be with. I don’t get to choose for anyone. I chose for myself. I chose you, I chose to love you intensely, emotionally, and physically. You have to choose for yourself.”
And thereby…I told him what to do. Not knowing that he was weighing me against her, I gave him the backing to choose her, over me. To devastate me. Because I didn’t know. I gave him the words, to justify what he did.
Which would have been fine, if he’d come clean with me at that point. Instead of telling me I should stop talking about the past, I should should be talking about the future. Instead of telling me, when I told him that any physical connection is only an expression of how much I love him. And telling me, “I think you need to tell me that a dozen more times. XOXO.” One week ago.
He couldn’t tell me. He had to lie to me. Because make no mistake, withholding the truth is lying.
I’ll find love again. And it will go both ways. The fact that he won’t, gives me no joy.
But the decision has been made. There is no turning back. I won’t be there if it falls apart. And how can it not? A woman who leaves her boyfriend of 12 years when she thinks he’s dying, to get married to someone she cheated on him with, after taking him for as much as she can, and a man that uses people for his own benefit, with no care for the devastation he leaves in his wake.
Why did I allow myself to ever become a factor here? It will take me some time to answer that question.
Betrayal goes so deep, it turns your insides out, it turns your thinking and all you held dear, upside down. You don’t trust yourself, because you are sure you should have known better. You should have seen it coming, but you didn’t. You trusted the wrong person.
S used to tell me to read “The Art of War”. He said the first rule of war was to avoid it all costs.
Well……I think it’s him should read it. I think BETRAYAL has caused plenty of wars. Maybe, because he felt he could play God, and play me….he thinks it doesn’t apply to him.
Those eyes,
Those cold blue eyes.
I wanted to swim in them,
I loved when they gazed upon me,
The corners turned up with a small grin.
Little did I know
That they were a reflection of a heart
As cold as an Arctic iceberg.
They were the tip of it,
Fooling me,
Teasing me
(we only tease the people we like….)
I thought they were a piece of the ocean
that I loved so much.
That I’d found a place
A person
whose eyes reflected my own passion.
Unbeknownst to me
Danger lay below them,
Life threatening,
Heart wrenching
Mind numbing danger.
I sailed right into them,
In fact,
I dove.
Head first
To find that they were cold blue ice,
masking a monumental block of
frigid ice.
That thaws only when it’s hurt.
And I could not hurt it.
And so…
I froze to death,
in it’s shadow.
Last weekend, the day of the eclipse, I hadn’t talked to S in 2 or 3 days, and was fine with it. But I thought it was a really sucky way to end a relationship, so I texted him “Are you really never going to talk to me again?”
We texted. That’s all we ever did. A torrid texting affair. Why did I care? Idk, I always saw the good in him, the desire to be good, the desire not to fuck things up. I once gave him an inner child crystal, because his inner child was so tortured. That day, his whole tone changed with me, as if heard me (thus, the poem “The Gift of Being Heard.) Well I might have been heard, but I was still fucked over.
All week, we texted intimately. I LONGED for him, I wanted him so bad. He talked of doing intimate things with me, alluding to the weekend. I held back asking for plans, it’s always been the kiss of death for me with him. He likes to feel he’s driving the train, and that things are spontaneous. Just yesterday, I sent him intimate pictures of me, because he asked. But he was quiet last night. Before I went to bed I asked him “S, is something wrong? Please talk to me.” He answered that he fell asleep on the couch…we texted a few times, and said goodnight. I thought everything was ok. Just this morning, he texted me at 4 am.
Then, no word. I sent him one text, but held back….fearful of ruining it. But then I got this text….
“I don’t know how to deal with this…so I am just going to say it. I am going to be with someone else this weekend. I am busy and don’t want to talk about it. Peace.”
A TEXT. A FUCKING TEXT.
Well, you all know the wave of emotions that hit you like a tsunami. Like you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t talk. My son was in the room with me, and I’d been waiting for my phone to update to go somewhere. This text was the first thing I saw when it was done. I managed to say to my son, “Well the phone’s done. I’m gonna go.” He was leaving for work soon, won’t be home til later, and will never know what S did to me today. Bad enough, I told my son last night I’d be going to S”s or he’d probably be coming here tonight. My son scolded me for being stupid, told me that S has made me cry more than his father. Why am I being so stupid about him? But all I have to say is that we decided not to, and let it fade. I haven’t seen much of S for months, my son won’t think much of it, except he’ll be glad he doesn’t have to deal with him. I am ashamed and embarrassed at how I made excuses for S with my son. Geezus. The kid at 23 is 100 times the man S will ever be. He’s a stand-up honest and decent young man. I thought if nothing else S was honest with me. I have said so here….that he was an honest and decent man… If only I could re-write history.
So played.
The thing is, I had hope all week. I really did. But I knew…he’s capable of withdrawing on a dime. I asked him many times in the last few weeks, are you seeing Betty Boop? Does she want to get back together with you? He said always that he only talked to her a little, and he didn’t know. Always.
He played me. Big time. I loved him so much and he used it, to make himself feel good. He loved my adoration, the way I was always there. We finally talked around noon, because I told him if he didn’t man up and call me that I was gonna show up on his doorstep, and tell Betty Boop about me. He said he’d been weighing one of us against the other all week.
And that’s where I got mad. FURIOUS. What right does he have, to put me in competition with another woman and not tell me???? Or her??? Who the fuck does he think he is??? Fucking playing God with me. As if I’d have stuck around if I thought they were doing anything more than talking. What a fucktard. I am still so angry at that. Had he chose me, would he ever have told me that I almost lost to her? Would I ever have known the truth? He must have seen her, I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know. (hear Stevie Nicks in the background singing Silver Spring “I don’t want to know….”)
I told him he should have told me. And her, and let us both make up our minds if we wanted to be in that triangle. Because I for sure didn’t. Don’t. Won’t EVER with any man, compete for his attention. I loved him well, unconditionally, and he repaid me this way? Thinking that was ok?
He said, she knows about you now. I said, “Does she know that you asked for a picture of me last night??? That you texted me at 4 AM this morning???” No…he said. THEN TELL HER. LET HER MAKE UP HER MIND. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD WITH HER ANYMORE THAN YOU DID WITH ME.
He has called me about 5 times since then. Because I told him, if I ever have the opportunity to tell her, I will. (Though I don’t know her last name, so I can’t even look her address up.) He asked why I can’t just let things unfold. I said, this is how they unfold when you fuck someone over. When you play people, when you hurt people, when you use people. This is how they unfold.
But the universe will make sure she knows. Besides, I am pretty sure that a woman who left him when he thought he was dying, (he had cancer, and only an experimental drug saved his life, and a philanthropic organization that paid for it but the drug came along after she split, she thought he was dying) and took him for as much as she possibly could, to run off and get married to someone she’d been cheating on him with, is playing him too. They deserve each other, and what they get. I told him, that’s all he thinks he deserves, that’s all he’s gonna get.
I am wordy, I have been sending him long texts telling him what a fuckup he is, and why. And he knows I’m right. But he’s stuck on this woman that will hurt him again, whatever. He said, “this is the #1 reason I don’t want you.” the wordy texts, the righteous indignation. I said, “OH it’s so much harder to take my righteous indignation than a woman who will leave you when you’re dying, and who’ll take you for all she can, and run off and get married to someone she cheated on you with.” Yeah, I can see how my truthful words are harder to take.
God he’s a real piece of work. I sure know how to pick ’em.
I will always love this man’s soul, because that’s what unconditional love is, but I never want to see him again. I know, I am sure, (he says I’m overconfident), because I know him, I see him, he has told me everything, things that she doesn’t know and I’m sure never will…and I was still there for him, because I could see his soul, that I loved him better than any other person in his life. I still see his soul, and will always know he is capable of so much more. But the human that he is…needs to stay clear of me. Enough heartbreak for one man to accomplish.
I’m gonna get back on that horse and ride. I haven’t cried yet, I hope I don’t. I have wasted way too many tears on him, he has broken my heart more often than my ex did. My ex…didn’t break my heart in the traditional sense. He became someone I could not love, romantically. S….has broken my heart, I loved him 1000 times more than any other man. But I don’t want to cry for him again. I want to actively pursue someone who can appreciate a woman who can love beyond reason, beyond all measure, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I told him, finally, that he will miss me. And he will.
My first tears fell last night. The anger gave way to the cause of it and I broke down sobbing last night. I woke up doing the same this morning. Thank God I have the sleeping pills from my carpal tunnel, they afford me 5 or 6 hours of sleep.
I miss him so much, if I think about it for a second, my heart just squeezes and all that pain just pours down my face, just wracking my body.
This morning, I unblocked him and sent him this pathetic text.
“I miss you so much I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. I’m a mess. I tried so hard to love you so well and it didn’t matter even one teeny bit. I unblocked you in case you have a pang of conscience about walking so briskly away from the woman that loved you.”
Because, this ex gf, Betty Boop, I don’t believe she loves him. I believe she needs something from him, and is using his love for her to get it. I don’t think anyone who leaves a 12 year relationship, runs off an marries a man she doesn’t know, and walks out on the marriage 18 months later, has a clue about herself. I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her, her actions tell me who she is.and my intuition.
Maybe S likes being so much smarter than her. Maybe it feeds his ego, to have some sexy dumb woman think he’s smart. It feeds his ego enough that he doesn’t mind being used by her to take care of all her financial needs.
Damn the connection I have with him. If I am right they were together last night, and this morning. I know he’ll go read the text in private, I know he won’t have read any of my blogs until he’s alone. Maybe he’ll stop reading them altogether. After all, I suppose he doesn’t really need to know what I’m thinking now. He’s got her to occupy his mind. Maybe he’s spending all of the long holiday weekend with her. Something he would never do with me.
I need to let go. I forgot how painful this roller coaster is. Last night I was pretty high, I was not caring, until I got home. This morning, I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t talk to him. I know it would be so much better if I could just cut off communication, but I just can’t, quite yet.
I still know that I’ll be ok. I know I’ll get through this. I know there is someone out there who will love me and what I have to offer. It is just so hard to think of him with her. That’s where I get stuck. I need to do a lot of work around that one thing. I just can’t stand him being with someone else.
He used to tell me that they never talked during the week. Sometimes a quick, “are we on for the weekend” message. I thought that so strange. He and I talked all the time, texting during the day at work, in the evening, sometimes talking on the phone. Seems so strange that he loved someone so much that he never talked to. Just seems…a cold way to have a relationship.
Well, if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants. I could never want it. I loved our conversations. Intimate, flirty, downright sexual, intellectual, spiritual, debates at times One reason I loved him was his ability to discuss intelligently a huge wide rage of subjects and interject his pretty expansive and varied life experiences to them. I miss his stories. I miss how he made me laugh. I thought he liked it too. I know he liked what I did for him in bed.
And she shows up, and he just takes her back, and tosses me to the side. It’s killing me today. Just killing me. So much rejection, so suddenly.
I just had a glimmer though, a small one. I thought how a week ago, he called me dumb because I misunderstood his two word communications when he was in NJ. How angry it made me. How unnecessary it was for him to talk to me like that. I knew it was because he was in a bad mood from his sisters, and taking it out on me. When I stood up to it, it got worse. He was swearing at me, because I misunderstood him. He had forgotten his phone charger altogether, and was trying to save the battery. He’s always had one in the car, I’m pretty sure, and I just assumed that since he was driving he was able to charge the phone. that he only hadn’t been able to charge it when he was in his sisters house. I told him he was the stupid one for forgetting the charger, and that he was also an asshole for calling me dumb and everything else he called me. And later that evening, when I knew he was home and wasn’t contacting me, I sent him an email, telling him that I missed the man I thought he was, but the one that showed up that day, I didn’t want within 100 miles of me.
So the question I’m asking, that’s given me a little glimmer, is….If he were to decide he didn’t want to be with her, and wanted to be with me, do I really want that back in my life? Because that’s our two week cycle. I still don’t want to that man, that calls me names, and flashes his anger like a weapon, within 100 miles of me. I only want the funny one, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tells great stories, and the one who is so physically passionate, though selfish. I can’t have one without the other. And I really don’t want the other.
That answer makes it easier to deal with the fact that he’s with her right now. Tears have finally stopped. If I remove Betty Boop from the equation, it is all the same. He and I can’t work for more that 2 weeks without a blow up. That book needed to be closed.
God, I have come full circle with this blog.
Writing is so therapeutic. I couldn’t do this if I couldn’t write and work this stuff out. I didn’t expect this to go here, but here I am. My circle may look like the one in the picture, full of twists and turns. It may be convoluted, but I ended up back where I was before Betty Boop showed up.
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