Last weekend, the day of the eclipse, I hadn’t talked to S in 2 or 3 days, and was fine with it. But I thought it was a really sucky way to end a relationship, so I texted him “Are you really never going to talk to me again?”
We texted. That’s all we ever did. A torrid texting affair. Why did I care? Idk, I always saw the good in him, the desire to be good, the desire not to fuck things up. I once gave him an inner child crystal, because his inner child was so tortured. That day, his whole tone changed with me, as if heard me (thus, the poem “The Gift of Being Heard.) Well I might have been heard, but I was still fucked over.
All week, we texted intimately. I LONGED for him, I wanted him so bad. He talked of doing intimate things with me, alluding to the weekend. I held back asking for plans, it’s always been the kiss of death for me with him. He likes to feel he’s driving the train, and that things are spontaneous. Just yesterday, I sent him intimate pictures of me, because he asked. But he was quiet last night. Before I went to bed I asked him “S, is something wrong? Please talk to me.” He answered that he fell asleep on the couch…we texted a few times, and said goodnight. I thought everything was ok. Just this morning, he texted me at 4 am.
Then, no word. I sent him one text, but held back….fearful of ruining it. But then I got this text….
“I don’t know how to deal with this…so I am just going to say it. I am going to be with someone else this weekend. I am busy and don’t want to talk about it. Peace.”
A TEXT. A FUCKING TEXT.
Well, you all know the wave of emotions that hit you like a tsunami. Like you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t talk. My son was in the room with me, and I’d been waiting for my phone to update to go somewhere. This text was the first thing I saw when it was done. I managed to say to my son, “Well the phone’s done. I’m gonna go.” He was leaving for work soon, won’t be home til later, and will never know what S did to me today. Bad enough, I told my son last night I’d be going to S”s or he’d probably be coming here tonight. My son scolded me for being stupid, told me that S has made me cry more than his father. Why am I being so stupid about him? But all I have to say is that we decided not to, and let it fade. I haven’t seen much of S for months, my son won’t think much of it, except he’ll be glad he doesn’t have to deal with him. I am ashamed and embarrassed at how I made excuses for S with my son. Geezus. The kid at 23 is 100 times the man S will ever be. He’s a stand-up honest and decent young man. I thought if nothing else S was honest with me. I have said so here….that he was an honest and decent man… If only I could re-write history.
The thing is, I had hope all week. I really did. But I knew…he’s capable of withdrawing on a dime. I asked him many times in the last few weeks, are you seeing Betty Boop? Does she want to get back together with you? He said always that he only talked to her a little, and he didn’t know. Always.
He played me. Big time. I loved him so much and he used it, to make himself feel good. He loved my adoration, the way I was always there. We finally talked around noon, because I told him if he didn’t man up and call me that I was gonna show up on his doorstep, and tell Betty Boop about me. He said he’d been weighing one of us against the other all week.
And that’s where I got mad. FURIOUS. What right does he have, to put me in competition with another woman and not tell me???? Or her??? Who the fuck does he think he is??? Fucking playing God with me. As if I’d have stuck around if I thought they were doing anything more than talking. What a fucktard. I am still so angry at that. Had he chose me, would he ever have told me that I almost lost to her? Would I ever have known the truth? He must have seen her, I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know. (hear Stevie Nicks in the background singing Silver Spring “I don’t want to know….”)
I told him he should have told me. And her, and let us both make up our minds if we wanted to be in that triangle. Because I for sure didn’t. Don’t. Won’t EVER with any man, compete for his attention. I loved him well, unconditionally, and he repaid me this way? Thinking that was ok?
He said, she knows about you now. I said, “Does she know that you asked for a picture of me last night??? That you texted me at 4 AM this morning???” No…he said. THEN TELL HER. LET HER MAKE UP HER MIND. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD WITH HER ANYMORE THAN YOU DID WITH ME.
He has called me about 5 times since then. Because I told him, if I ever have the opportunity to tell her, I will. (Though I don’t know her last name, so I can’t even look her address up.) He asked why I can’t just let things unfold. I said, this is how they unfold when you fuck someone over. When you play people, when you hurt people, when you use people. This is how they unfold.
But the universe will make sure she knows. Besides, I am pretty sure that a woman who left him when he thought he was dying, (he had cancer, and only an experimental drug saved his life, and a philanthropic organization that paid for it but the drug came along after she split, she thought he was dying) and took him for as much as she possibly could, to run off and get married to someone she’d been cheating on him with, is playing him too. They deserve each other, and what they get. I told him, that’s all he thinks he deserves, that’s all he’s gonna get.
I am wordy, I have been sending him long texts telling him what a fuckup he is, and why. And he knows I’m right. But he’s stuck on this woman that will hurt him again, whatever. He said, “this is the #1 reason I don’t want you.” the wordy texts, the righteous indignation. I said, “OH it’s so much harder to take my righteous indignation than a woman who will leave you when you’re dying, and who’ll take you for all she can, and run off and get married to someone she cheated on you with.” Yeah, I can see how my truthful words are harder to take.
God he’s a real piece of work. I sure know how to pick ’em.
I will always love this man’s soul, because that’s what unconditional love is, but I never want to see him again. I know, I am sure, (he says I’m overconfident), because I know him, I see him, he has told me everything, things that she doesn’t know and I’m sure never will…and I was still there for him, because I could see his soul, that I loved him better than any other person in his life. I still see his soul, and will always know he is capable of so much more. But the human that he is…needs to stay clear of me. Enough heartbreak for one man to accomplish.
I’m gonna get back on that horse and ride. I haven’t cried yet, I hope I don’t. I have wasted way too many tears on him, he has broken my heart more often than my ex did. My ex…didn’t break my heart in the traditional sense. He became someone I could not love, romantically. S….has broken my heart, I loved him 1000 times more than any other man. But I don’t want to cry for him again. I want to actively pursue someone who can appreciate a woman who can love beyond reason, beyond all measure, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I told him, finally, that he will miss me. And he will.