I’m sitting here so morose. Feeling like I’m the only woman in the world who has ever been played. Only woman who has ever been blindsided by someone she loved. Like no one else has ever felt this kind of pain.
It’s so ridiculous. I have friends who have endured this, and become stronger. Some of these friends actually shared their lives, had kids, and had to somehow get through this same kind of betrayal.
I gave him the power over me. I chose to love him. Last week, he told me I could change things between us. I said, “No, S. If I could have, I would have. But you get to choose who you are going to love, who you are going to be with. I don’t get to choose for anyone. I chose for myself. I chose you, I chose to love you intensely, emotionally, and physically. You have to choose for yourself.”
And thereby…I told him what to do. Not knowing that he was weighing me against her, I gave him the backing to choose her, over me. To devastate me. Because I didn’t know. I gave him the words, to justify what he did.
Which would have been fine, if he’d come clean with me at that point. Instead of telling me I should stop talking about the past, I should should be talking about the future. Instead of telling me, when I told him that any physical connection is only an expression of how much I love him. And telling me, “I think you need to tell me that a dozen more times. XOXO.” One week ago.
He couldn’t tell me. He had to lie to me. Because make no mistake, withholding the truth is lying.
I’ll find love again. And it will go both ways. The fact that he won’t, gives me no joy.
But the decision has been made. There is no turning back. I won’t be there if it falls apart. And how can it not? A woman who leaves her boyfriend of 12 years when she thinks he’s dying, to get married to someone she cheated on him with, after taking him for as much as she can, and a man that uses people for his own benefit, with no care for the devastation he leaves in his wake.
Why did I allow myself to ever become a factor here? It will take me some time to answer that question.
Betrayal goes so deep, it turns your insides out, it turns your thinking and all you held dear, upside down. You don’t trust yourself, because you are sure you should have known better. You should have seen it coming, but you didn’t. You trusted the wrong person.
S used to tell me to read “The Art of War”. He said the first rule of war was to avoid it all costs.
Well……I think it’s him should read it. I think BETRAYAL has caused plenty of wars. Maybe, because he felt he could play God, and play me….he thinks it doesn’t apply to him.