Middle of the Night Stream of Consciousness

He lays beside me, asleep. It is uncommon, really, for me to be awake and untired while he slumbers so deeply he does not hear me or feel me get up. Often, I get up to use the bathroom, and he is waiting for me to come back, and folds his arms around me, and kisses me, holds me until we both fall asleep, or at least until I do. Deep, relaxed happy sleep, because he is there beside me. He is not a good sleeper, and I say that as one who was not a good sleeper for decades. But now, next to him, I usually sleep well. He makes me safe. Unquestionably. Unfailingly. Unconditionally. At least, it feels unconditional.

I suppose if I turned into a bitch, if I betrayed him, he would no longer love me, or lay beside me, or be waiting for me to come back to bed. But I can’t imagine not treasuring what he gives me, and risking the most happiness I have ever felt in my life. I have had plenty of misery, and unhappiness, and betrayal. But never for a moment from him, and I never for a moment want to give that to him.

So here I am, 2 hours after we went to bed, writing. I have no reason not to sleep except I am not tired. I didn’t fall asleep watching TV tonight, with his head on my lap as I sat in the recliner end of the couch. I lay in bed for awhile, I put on my sound app of waves crashing, I perused FB on my phone, and I finished reading The Last American Man by Elizabeth Gilbert. I thought about starting a new book. I have a dozen, at least, books on my kindle that I have not read yet. I buy them from Bookbub, and some are the free books that Kindle gives you each month. I can’t remember what any of them are about, save the first Outlander book. So tomorrow, I’ll look them up on Amazon and get a description of each and then decide what to read.

I am happy to hear him sleeping. He snores quietly, not the door-rattling snore of my ex-husband that could wake me from the guest room across the hall, with both doors closed. God that life seems so long ago It was, actually, I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I ever really lived it, thought I know I did. Now, my man snores like a man, a good man. It never wakes me, once I get to sleep. And I can get to sleep while he snores.

There is peace in this house. A rich, loving peace that permeates the air, the furniture, the fuzzy snuggly blanket he bought for me because I am cold half the time with the air conditioning on. There is no angst. I know now that the absence of pain is not happiness. I suppose I knew before that I was mistaking not hurting for being happy. Slowly that seed germinated and grew and flowered. I moved to Florida and I was happier than I’d ever been, to leave winter and mortgage payments behind. I was still carrying some of the painful, unnecessary baggage with me, though. Then he and I met, as I was letting go of the last of that baggage, that heavy duffel bag of left-over, unresolved emotions. I had just gained clarity, and expunged them from my life, and in walked this man who was honest, and accountable, and able to love (though he wasn’t really looking for it). It only took a few weeks until we found ourselves spending 24/7 together, making the 10 mile trip between our houses every few days. He was welcomed into my family, and I into his, and now I can say, with no reservation, that THIS IS HAPPY. There is no pain, no uncertainty, I am never waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m going back into bed, and try to sleep again. I know I’ll be exhausted tomorrow if I don’t. He might wake and worry if I’m not in bed. I’m happy tonight. I think I can sleep.

Need-ing, Vs. Need-y

I have always said I don’t need anyone. I thought that meant I was needy, and I never, ever, want to be needy. It has come to my attention, however, that needing someone does not automatically make you needy.

I have a few people in my life, currently, that I need. My son, my family, and most of all, at this moment, Dan. That doesn’t mean I can’t function without any of them, it means that my life is fuller, happier, richer with them. Needing someone doesn’t automatically mean draining them of energy, taking and never giving, being unable to be alone because of our own insecurities.

Those who have followed my blog for awhile know I have been through the wringer with men. It made me independent, determined never to need anyone. I might want them, I might love them, but I never wanted to need anyone. It felt too vulnerable. It felt like hanging from a limb by my fingernails, because when they disappointed, or betrayed me, the limb would break and I would fall to the ground and break.

Then along comes this incredible man, Dan. Who has never betrayed me in the 6 months we’ve been together. I mean, not for a second have I ever had to question his love, care, concern and commitment to me. (And I believe he does not question mine for him.) As a result, now I need him in my life. He lifts me to bright places I have not seen before. He wraps me in a love that is grander than anything I ever knew possible. He climbs out on the limb and pulls me up, instead of sawing it off. Then he finds a limb that will hold us both.

I am so grateful for him and the other people in my life that I need. I am so grateful that I am able to need someone without feeling needy. So glad that there is someone in my life who makes it easy for me to lay down my armor, and let me in, let me breathe freely, unafraid.

Love and light to all.

Getting Rid of the Negative

I have been working to get rid of some of the overwhelming amount of political posts from my FB page. While I am still strong in my beliefs, I feel like every day it is just more of the same. More stories about a president who dishonors the office, more stories about new ridiculous, but similar, things he’s done, more stories about what will happen if he makes it 4 years and more about what will happen if he doesn’t. Ad infinitum.

I am in my 60’s, and have worked hard in my life to have the life I have right now. I just don’t want to hear about this stuff every day. I want to know major news, like that Mueller’s investigation netted some charges, but not how many times the president played golf, or tweeted inane stupidity in the middle of the night. I know who he is. I don’t need reminding every minute of every day.

I need reminding how blessed I am. I need reminding how beautiful and loving this world can be despite the fact that there are people like him and his entourage in this world. I want to focus on what lifts me, not what weighs me down. I want to remain aware of what is happening in politics, but not so focused on it that I can’t appreciate all the joy that is there to be had.

I guess I am a little selfish about my retirement, my golden years. I just want to enjoy them.

The way I’ve eliminated the stuff I don’t want to see from my FB is to not “like” it, even if I totally agree with the post. I have begun looking at my “pages feed” which is where all the posts from the funny and spiritual pages I follow had disappeared to. I have begun to post on my Live Like Water page again, after a long period of ignoring it. ( https://www.facebook.com/LivingLikeWater/ Please check it out, I’d love to have you!)

Now finally, after doing this for about a week, I am losing some of the political posts on my personal feed. And I am reminded of the things that are important, like love and compassion and hope. Yay! My head is in a much better place.

Which, hopefully, will lead to me writing better blogs.

Love and light, everyone.

Happiness = Quality of Life

Ever notice how the coffee tastes so good some mornings? Or tea, or whatever your wake up thing is? It’s so chilly this morning here. So uncharacteristically cool at 57°. It’s like September in New England, which is a lovely time of year there. The sun is out, it is a brilliant morning. It will hit almost 80° later today. But right now, wrapped in my blanket, the coffee tastes so good.

Even though I am alone right now, I feel happy. I have been thinking about happiness, and what it takes to be happy. I suppose I could be upset, and feel a little down if I was inclined that way. After all, I have diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis. I have to really watch what I eat, and deal with some chronic pain.  But I just can’t get down about it, I mean, I can’t. I am not able to feel sorry for myself about it. I feel like my health overall is good.

I think it’s quality of life though, that makes us happy or not. So here I am in Florida where cold is 60°, where it’s sunny 90% of the time this time of year, where the beach is between a mile and 5 miles away, depending on where I want to go. I have this cute little house that I love. I don’t have to work any more! Ihave a bunch of new, good friends.  And most of all, I have a good man, a really good man to share it all with.

Diabetes and RA not withstanding, my quality of life is wonderful. I’m heading to my sisters today for the weekend. Beach time, pool and hot tub time, and maybe happy hour at our favorite place on the beach. Tomorrow night we have a Halloween party in her neighborhood. I can barely believe that after all the drama and hardship of the last 10 years, I am here, living this life. Even with a few physical ailments!

Time to get to work on those now that all else has fallen into place. Love and light, everyone.

Symbiosis and Synergy

I melt into the couch, the sounds of music still ringing in my ears. I have changed clothes, out of the jeans and t-shirt and sweater that seemed so out of place in this warm climate, but it was chilly tonight. Chilly enough for socks and shoes and sweaters. Some people had jackets.

The music was great, as it always is. So many talented people come to play at this small venue in this small town. They sing and tell jokes, and there is a lot of banter back and forth with the core of the audience, who show up faithfully each week. We celebrate the music, the cool clear night, our friendships solidified over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or a glass of tea. The lights twinkle, and the performers perform.

I missed my man tonight. He has gone with me every time I’ve gone since we met. He sent me a text, telling me to check the weather where he was. I did and it was freezing, literally, and snowing. I guess I shouldn’t complain that the temp got down to 62 tonight, here in sunny Florida, while I was listening to the music. 62 is infinitely better than freezing.

I missed my man because even though I am not one of those people who can’t be alone, I am happier with him. It’s a surprise to me, and I think to him, to want to be with someone as much as he and I are together. But particularly on open mic night. It’s something we do together. He has become part of the landscape there too, a part of the whole, part of the symbiosis that occurs between the performers and the audience. He has gotten to know people there, and he adds to the whole. Much like he adds to my life. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts when we’re together.

Synergy, and symbiosis. What causes them to manifest? The universe, creating pathways for creativity, for relationships to thrive, for positive energy to flow unimpeded? It seems more than function of humanism, for the energies to mesh like this. It’s a joyful, uplifting experience. Who can say? I only know that I’m happy that I get to experience it.

Now, day is done. The music stopped playing for tonight. In my living room, I sit with a nightgown and a blanket wrapped around me. I talked to my man on the phone, and told him all about the night and he told me of his day, and his night, and I feel, once more, his energy and mine connect across the miles. I am balanced, and content. Blessed.

Love and light to everyone.