Ex’s Newest Delusion

The ex has been out of the psych ward for 2 ½ weeks. I was wondering how long it would take for him to get fixated on another delusion. I don’t have to wonder any more, because my old next door neighbor called me tonight.

He’d knocked on their door and when they came to the door, seemed very agitated and was shuffling his feet. He wanted to know if my son had talked to Linda, the wife this weekend. She said, “no we weren’t here this weekend.” He apparently thought my son had come to talk to her because I’d been raped.

Remember, my son lives in Colorado. The ex is in CT. I told her to call the police and ask for an officer to go check up on him. I am afraid that since the dr at the psych ward told him he doesn’t need to go to the police for anything, he may take matters in his own hands. The police called me back for more information about him and are on their way over to see him. In the meantime, I called my bff up there, and my sister-in-law to give them both a heads up. Last time he got my bff involved in it, so I am afraid he will this time too. I decided to weait to tell my son until tomorrow, when I have some resolution on the situation from the police, who said they will call me back after they talk to him.

I am at D’s house as this is transpiring. I am so glad I’m not at home alone to sit and get freaked out by myself. It’s his birthday, and he took me to the drive down by the harbor where there are tons of good restaurants and shops. We had a nice lunch and window shopped. It was a nice day.

I just hope my ex doesn’t go off the wall about this. It’s a little scary, you know? I know he’s not taking his meds. I don’t know why he comes up with these horrible scenarios. I guess if I’m not there with him, in his mind, something horrible must have happened to me. But my friend who’s a therapist told me that the delusions he has about me, are things he wants to do to me. I’m so glad I don’t live there.

Weird how life can be so crazy in some aspects and so wonderful in others. What a dichotomy.

Love and light.

I’m Late, I’m Late…..Oh, Wait. I’m Not.

I woke up so late this morning, 9:30!!!, that I am totally disoriented. Like when you get up late for work, except that I realized in a second that I didn’t have anywhere I had to be. I generally wake between 6 and 7 sometime, and I did that. But I went to sleep very late last night, like maybe 2 am or so, because I got those damn ant bites on my feet. To say they itch is a vast understatment.

I shut off my light just before 11, and actually fell asleep pretty fast. But woke up shortly to the itching and burning of ant bites. Finally at 12:45 I got up and put more cortizone on them, and took a Benadryl to stop the itchng. I went back to bed and waited for it to work. But an hour later I was still scratching my ankles. If you’ve never had an ant bite, and I never did til I moved here, they are teeny ants, with a vicious bite that burns and itched madly. Ridiculously.

I lay there wondering what else I could do to alleviate the itching so I could sleep. I remembered when we used to go out in the boat and swim, that when we got jellyfish stings, we’d put vinegar on them to stop the burning. If there was no vinegar on the boat, we’d use pickle juice. It worked. So I got up and soaked a paper towel in vinegar and applied it to my ankles and feet and, miraculously, the itching alleviated. It wasn’t gone, but it was at a low hum that allowed me to finally get back to sleep.

When I woke this morning at my normal body clock hour, I knew I’d only slept about 4 hours which is no way enough for me. Against the odds, because it’s usually a futile exercise, I lay there and tried to go back to sleep, thinking another hour would be good. To my great surprise, it apparently worked! I went back to sleep for abouto 3 more hours! I have not slept this late in the morning in decades really. I remember one New Year’s Day a couple years after I left my ex, I slept til 9, having been out pretty late the night before. My son came in to see if I was alive, because the mom he knew was up about 5:30 every day. That’s the only other time I remember sleeping this late as far back as my now not-so-good memory goes.

Crazy. My second cup of coffee is beside me, and my head is clearing, except for the allergies which are attacking me this morning. I took an allergy med, and I’m waiting for it to kick in. I’ll get it together and get to the grocery store. I’m out, completely out, of dishwasher detergent. I forgot to buy it last week, one of the perils when you only buy it once every 4 months or so. D’s birthday is tomorrow, so I need to pick up a couple things to make him a birthday cake.

Time, in fact, way past time, to get moving! Love and light to all.

The Possibilities

The fragrance filled the room
Flowers, slightly past their prime,
Sweetly mixed with the scent of passion
Scents stirred by the barely perceptible ceiling fan.

Some joy filled the air,
Some peace and contentment.
Dreaming for a moment,
Though it was real.

Waiting for the instant
When reality and dreams coalesced.
In a twinkling we knew
It was only the beginning.

Knowing it’s possible
Is one thing.
Living the possibility
Is quite another, altogether.

Falling Together Nicely

Sometimes when everything seems to be falling apart, it’s really falling together. I’ve felt like that a lot lately. I have kind of realized it had been in the final stages of the crumbling, the dust settling, and now it’s coming together nicely. Funny the way that works, isn’t it?

It’s actually rained here, two days in a row. For like an hour one night, and a few hours las night as huge t-storms rolled through. We were sitting at the kitchen table and after about an hour, sayng, “Wow, this is real rain!”

Today though, found out that when the rains come, the bugs come out down here. And MAN, do they come. All of a sudden ants outside everywhere, and termites on the beams that line my driveway. Just tons of them, where there were none. So, out came the bug spray, in full force. Crazy. While we were mixing the bug killer by the hose with some water I noticed the biting ants were out in force around the hose, and seconds later that they were biting me because all I had on my feet were some flip-flops. So now I’m sitting with my feet up covered with Cortizone. Grrrr. Well, I think we killed everything in the yard anyway.

I finally got to the beach yesterday. It was such a gorgeous day, with a light breeze off the water, making the 90° heat bearable. And the water is almost 90° as well, and we spent a good part of the time in it. It was a perfect beach day, and the beach was crowded, for a FL beach. Which is not crowded at all by the CT standards I am still used to. White sand, turquoise water, calm seas, a light breeze….pretty much perfection. Followed by a nice late lunch by the water with an exotic tropicl drink. What else could you ask for?

Now I’m sitting here, Sunday afternoon, catching up on blogs, and email, and texting with friends. Having a glass of wine, and content. Writing in between texts and blogs. The young couple who bought the house next door came over and brought me some homemade banana chocolate chip walnut muffins. I invited them in and showed them my little abode. We got to know each other a little, it was nice. I felt a little guilty because I should have taken something over to them. Well, I will one night. I had a muffin when they left, lol. Shouldda been dessert!

It’s a good life. Love and light to everyone.

SoCS: All or Nothing

socs-2016-badgeThis post is written as part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) writing prompt by Linda G. Hill.  For complete instructions please visit her page

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS May 20/17

Join the fun, and see what we all have to say, and add your own truth!

All or Nothing

There’s an old jazz song that gets sung at open mic night fairly often, called “All Of Me” by Billie Holliday. The chorus is:

“All of me
Why not take all of me
Can’t you see
I’m no good without you”

The singer laments, take my lips, take my arms, you took the part that was my heart, why not take all of me?

All, or nothing….Take all of me, or none of me. Which is how a relationship should be. You take the whole person. You can’t just take the parts that you like. A lover once told me there were many things he loved about me, but he hated my temper. Now, I can have a temper. It’s slow to rise, but when it does it’s like an explosion. The dust settles pretty quickly, though, and it’s over. I can’t hold a grudge. The point is though, that as a lover, I need all of me to be taken. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. All. Or take nothing, and let me go.

To be completely accepted by someone is rare. I can think of friendships I have with so many people whom I like, except for “blah blah blah”. However, I guess I accept those things, because we are still friends, even though some things make me crazy. Their good qualities always outweigh the ones that bug me. Friendship means a lot to me, so I take all of them.

In love….I also take all of my partner. Until I can’t. I’ll try and try. But I won’t, any longer, keep trying when the behavior I can’t accept begins to hurt me. All of them, or nothing. And they need to take all of me, or nothing. When you can work out the parts that bug you, between the two of you, it’s possible to find a way to take all of someone, even if you don’t quite find yourself on the same page.

All or nothing. It’s a boundary too. It says if you can’t take all of me, then you get none of me. And if I can’t take all of you, then I don’t want any of you. Compromising on that can only lead to heartache. At least in romantic, committed love. In a friendship, it’s easier. If my friend is behaving in ways I can barely tolerate, I can take a few days and stay away from them. The unacceptable behavior then fades, as I remember how important their friendship is to me. But love, romantic love, I believe has to be all or nothing, or it will never last.

Unconditional love is different than romantic love. It says, I love all people and want the best for everyone. Like the Buddhist Metta prayer, May all people be happy. May all people be free from suffering. Unconditional love. I can feel that even for people who have hurt me to the core. They say that if you believe in unconditional love, which for me is who I strive to be, that you don’t get to pick and choose who you love. If you do, it’s not unconditional. All, or nothing. Everyone, or no one.

Romantic love requires that all or nothing love in a very intimate, personal way. Unconditional love of everyone, requires it in a very broad way. One is reaching inside ourselves. One is extending as far out as possible. All or nothing. A thought-provoking writing prompt.

Rumination: What Is Love?

I’m up long before dawn this morning. I slept like a rock, for about 7 hours, and did nothing yesterday but sleep and write and read and watch TV, because I hadn’t been feeling well, and hadn’t slept well. So, I’m not surprised that I was wide awake at 4:15 this morning, and unable to get back to sleep.

I lay in bed for awhile, just thinking. Thinking about how much I think about, write about, obsess about love. Being in love. Loving unconditionally. How when I really love someone, I always love them, but how that love can change, and transform over time. How sometimes it has been toxic for me, driving me to my knees. And sometimes it has lifted me, higher than I’ve ever been.

But what is it? I can honestly say, I don’t know. I have loved when it hurt me, and loved when it lifted me and why both? I used to say it was a choice to love someone. When I was married, I said that. I was committed. I tried for so long to make that work. I hated breaking that commitment. But I did, and now? I don’t think that if love was a choice, that I was really in love with him. We were together at 18, until we were 56. At 18 I was in love, as much as an 18 year old could be. I think he was too. Over so many years, I know his control issues, and abuse, changed that, but I was committed, and so I kept telling myself we still loved each other, and kept trying to make it work. But did I love him? Well, maybe. Was I IN love with him. No. I was committed to him and our family. Until I realized that the commitment only went one way, and his commitment was only to controlling the rest of us. Thinking abusing us was the way to do that. I told him, after we split up, the only control you ever had over me was how much you loved me. And you didn’t.

With S, I was in love. Crazy, undeniably, continuously in love. And it kept me going back, wanting to see if this time he could love me. Just me. He could not. I finally gave up on it, I finally realized that whatever it was he wanted, in his free-thinking Aquarian way, it was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. The trust was broken, again and again and again, and I just had to stop kidding myself that I’d ever be able to trust. I’ve read that Aquarians are independent enough to think it’s fine if they are unfaithful, as long as they tell their partner about their indescretions. Which I believe is true for him. It’s who he is, I don’t hold it against him. He’s entitled to live how he wants to. It’s just not what I want for the rest of my years on this earth. I don’t share, can’t share, the man I love. I still miss him sometimes, his sense of humor, his quirkiness. And sometimes, his ability to help me to see things differently. But trust…..I can’t get past that, and never will.

D, the man I’ve been seeing for awhile now. I have not allowed myself to say I’m in love with him. We have not said it to each other, yet I feel that he loves me. I like him a lot. I only hope I can love him. I am wary, I think, not because of him, but because of the pain I experienced the last time I gave my heart fully to someone. D is so not like anyone else I’ve been with. He’s had his trials, his challenges, and still…he’s thoughtful and kind, considerate and loving. Yesterday, when I didn’t feel well, he apologized for not taking care of me well enough. I almost didn’t know how to react to that kind of thought from a man. It was not his fault, yet he took it on, because he wanted to think he could have helped me avoid it. He has done absolutely nothing but build my trust. We are compatible in many ways, and he seems willing to try to learn from me, and to teach me about himself. I think there are possibilities for the future. I feel safe with him, among many other things.

Looking at these 3 men….and trying to answer the question “What is love?” and “What makes me feel it?”…..I still have no answers. I looked to Rumi this morning, for answers to those questions. Rumi talks a lot about how love feels, but in my very cursory study of his work, not too often about what it is. I did find this quote:

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

Which is deep enough to send me on a long meditation. LOL. This is a Rumi quote that describes, to me, what it feels like to be in love:

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”

I don’t know what love is, and may never know. I know when I feel it though. I know when it’s bud is growing and I know when it’s bud is dying. I hope I’ll know when it’s a love that can last, that can grow like the giant sequoia, and scrape the clouds. Only time will tell.

Love and light.

After the Storm

In the stillness following the storm
Feel the current
Still running through you
Low steady hum of your life.
Buzzing your feet,
your head
your heart.

A low hum runs through you
Things you shouldn’t remember
And things you should forget.
Things that brought you
Here, to this point.

In the clear light of day there is distance
There are new wonderful things
To drown the hum.
Seeking to let go
You shut the light off.
And go to sleep.