Back To Connecticut

It appears that I will have to go to Connecticut. Soon, in the next couple weeks. It’s a convoluted path and I’m treading carefully.

My ex has completely slipped off the edge.  It’s a sad enough tale that I can’t even write about his recent actions at the moment.  He’s going to be placed in a facility where he will be safe, and they’ll make sure he eats, and takes his meds. It will be a relief to all of us who have had to deal with his illness.

He’s being evicted, having not paid his rent for a couple months. The landlord, who used to be my next door neighbor, wants to get his stuff packed up and out of the cottage so he can use it the rest of the summer.

My sister-in-law is being appointed conservator, because she is the only family in the area. She has a very sick daughter in Boston, and can’t deal with her brother on top of that. She has offered her home as a base, to stay as long as I want. It will be kind of weird though, since it’s the house my ex grew up in. It’s a place I know well.

His things, including 3 vehicles, need to be inventoried and valued for legal purposes. So I don’t want it packed up by the landlord. I have no idea what personal stuff he had in the cottage. I also want to see if there are any receipts or information on where all the furniture from my old house is/was stored. I have, or will have, a lien on anything he still owns, since he still owes me a bundle of money.

This will not be fun. I do not look forward to spending days in my old neighborhood, next door to my old house, full of nothing but bad memories. But, the discomfort will be eased by the fact that Dan is going with me, to help me, and support me. He will be a big help in dealing with the cars. He will help me to remember that was my life, it is not my life now. I am so grateful for him. I keep telling him that I can’t believe I don’t have to face this alone. I’ve been through so much with my ex, that I faced alone because I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t tell anyone about, or ask for help with. That Dan wants to be there for me is amazing to me.

The good thing is that I will stay long enough to see all my friends. I had planned to go in September just to visit. So I will stay long enough to visit, which will be fun. We may stay with some of my friends part of that time. I am kind of excited for Dan to meet these people. They will love him, because he loves me and I love him. They will be relieved that I have finally found a wonderful, loving, thoughtful, and considerate man.

The other good thing is that this will be the final chapter of the life with my ex. I thought it was done when I got through Supreme Court in Connecticut, and bought my house. But apparently there was a little more to do. I’ll do it, I’ll get through it. I have a feeling that when I get up there, my friends will show up to help me too.

Blessed, just totally blessed. Even though I have a difficult task ahead of me, I have people who will lift me, and keep me balanced.

Love and light.


I quit

My heart aches

In places I didn’t know still existed.

Soothing words and touch,

borne of love that wraps around me,

take the edges off.



I have to go back,

One final time.

To clean up a mess

Not of my own making.



He used to say

“I quit. I just quit.”

And he did, a little more every day.



This will be the last time

I will fix the mess he makes.

The last time I will clean broken dishes off the floor

And the food he threw off the counters

And trash off the table.



Finally, I will be able to quit.


By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images


Searching The Ruins

Searching the ruins

Sadness follows him

Through empty rooms,

Remnants of a life that could have been.


The voices in the walls

Cry out with the truth that crawls inside them

Slimy tendrils that reach out

To wrap around his heart.


They are invisible,

But noisy.

He denies them

But they speak anyway.


Of pain, of hurt, of demands

Yet he goes

Looking for solace

In the place where he gave none.


The hole in the roof

Lets the light in,

And the rain.

Creatures of the night

Roam unimpeded.


Yet by day,

He searches.

The life he wanted,

Echoing through the empty rooms.


By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Shutterstock via Google Images


Gliding On The Surface

I am unable to write today, really. I can’t seem to settle on a topic. I am not discontent. I think I am gliding on the surface, carried by a love that sustains me. There’s been too much stuff going on for the last few days, and there are still days to come of dealing with it. Right now, I cannot say where I am with any of it. Nor do I want to go off on all the possibilities of how any of it could work out.

I have an ex-husband who has completely dissociated from reality. I have a beautiful, young niece who has undergone a radical surgery to rid her body of cancer. These two things weigh heavily on me.

My ex, only because I will have to play a part in settling his affairs. I am irritated this morning at my old neighbor. I asked her for ex’s landlord’s number, so I can make arrangements to get his stuff out of the cottage. (This would be my sister-in-law’s job, but seeing as how she’s dealing with a very sick child, I don’t want to add to her burden.) The neighbor answered me and asked me to call her, but declined to give me the number of the landlord. She wants to gossip about him. I don’t want to talk about him, or his illness. I just want the number. I want to stay focused on what has to be done, and not get caught up in thoughts about what he did to get where he is. But I guess I have to call her. I’m trying not to waste energy getting angry about it.

My niece, who is my god-daughter as well, because I love her. Her struggle breaks my heart. It’s pure and simple.

So, here I am writing about why I can’t write, lol. And I thank God every day for the man who can pick me up and carry me when I lose my way, and set me back down when I find it. To be loved by him is such a blessing.

Love and light to all.

Reports of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exagerrated

I spoke to the social worker at the hospital this morning. My ex is really in “bad shape” according to her. He broke into a neighbor’s house, which was enough to get him placed back in the hospital. He apparently believes he is running the FBI (rolls eyes….he always had delusions of grandeur). He also told the hospital that I, and my sister-in-law, are dead. And, that my son is in the same hospital on a medical floor. When the social worker asked him what was wrong with my son, he said, “You don’t need to know that.”

He’s going to be placed in a care facility of some kind, and I’m so relieved and glad about that. They will see to it he eats, and gets his meds, and can’t get out. I put in a call to my atty to find out what will or should happen to my ex’s personal effects in the cottage he was renting. Slowly this will work itself out, and I won’t have to deal with the situation much longer. I may have to make a trip up to CT though, to sort through the stuff in the cottage. I’m sure there’s a ton of stuff in storage somewhere, but I would expect he stopped paying that bill a long time ago.

I got an update on my niece. She’s doing as well as can be expected, having had large amounts of her arm around her shoulder removed. I’m going to order a Kindle for her today. She should be home soon, maybe today even. It seems crazy, but they want people out of the hospital so quickly now, to avoid getting anything else.

I’m so glad to have things like open mic night to distract me. And that I had just had a few wonderful days down at my sisters.

Love and light.

Back Home In Time for Family Issues

I’m home, back in Gulfport. We got back mid-day. It was hot and humid today, and didn’t storm for the first day in ages. It is Thursday, open mic night. As I was getting in the shower, my ex’s cousin called me and left a voice mail. She and her sister are pretty close with me, but they are both kind of high maintenance, so I put off talking to her today, since I was about to get in the shower.

When I checked my voice mails, I saw that I had one blocked voice mail. It was from the hospital my ex had been put in back in April. He is apparently back there, so they want to talk to me. I called them back and left a voice mail for the social worker, but it was late today so I won’t get a call until tomorrow. I had to unblock the hospitals number so they can call, but felt ok about it, since my ex does not call me anymore. This is just the ongoing drama with him, the saga. I don’t know anything yet, because I haven’t talked to anyone.

It is good news and bad news. It means he is not better, has not been taking his meds, and probably did something to have been brought into the hospital again. I know he refused to pay his rent because he said the landlord no longer owned the property. But the fact he is in the hospital is good. I was told that he would need to be brought in multiple times involuntarily before he can be committed to the state hospital. So this will probably not be the defining moment, but just another chapter in his drama.


Then, my god-daughter, my sister-in-laws 26 year old daughter is in the hospital having just had surgery on her shoulder and arm to remove a tumor and all the surrounding tissue. She is in a lot of pain, naturally. Her family is with her. They said she may go home tomorrow, though we can’t imagine it. I haven’t sent her anything but will wait until she gets home to send anything.

I didn’t tell my sister-in-law about her brother being back in the hospital. I think her plate is full enough with my niece’s cancer.

After a couple of carefree days in paradise, reality hit kind of hard today. I really don’t want to be involved with my ex’s problems now. I’m not family. Yet, I fear that it will next go to my son, and I don’t want to unload it onto him. He hasn’t spoken to his father in 7 years, and would have no clue how to deal with the situation. I keep him up to speed on his dad, but he really has no interest in his fathers issues. My sister-in-law is really next in line but she has so much on her plate at the moment I can’t put this burden on her.

So I have some stuff to deal with tomorrow.

Open mic night was fun. There were lots of performers there, it was a really good show. But it was so hot. No rain today means the temps didn’t cool down. The venue is outside, and we were pouring water down our backs with a straw. I took a shower before I went, and another when I got home.

Life had its dark moments too. Just dealing with what comes. Love and light all.