Another Sound Healing and Some Thoughts

Last night we had our February full moon sound healing at the beach. We had a good turnout, at least 30 people came and either sat or lay on the beach. The sun was setting, another gorgeous Gulf sunset, as we began playing. I was sad that we didn’t get any pictures of that sunset, because it set after we began playing. I think we have to move the time up from 6 to 6:30. The supermoon was up by the time we were done, and it was so amazing.

I thought the playing went well. Dan decided at the last minute (yesterday around noon) to bring down his gong and join us. I was fine that he joined us, and would have been fine if he didn’t. I wish he would have decided earlier so we could have practiced together, because I don’t think he had a good feel for what I wanted to do there last night, of the new sounds I was wanting to make. I tried to explain it to him before we went, but I kept having to tell him during the actual healing. It kind of makes it harder when I have to pay close attention to what he’s doing instead of him just figuring it out. I know it sounds like I’m being critical, but his intuition in this type of thing is not really good, and it IS my thing, I’m the only one that knows what the outcome is that I want to achieve. Lynn, my friend on bowls, does, because we practice together and talk about it and we are like minded. So I somehow have to get better communication with Dan about it. If that’s possible. IDK.

We are talking on a regular basis but I don’t really feel the closeness I did, with the end result being I am right now kind of wondering where this is going. Kind of feeling in limbo at the moment. Like I’m standing in a circle of possibilities, some really awesome and some that I don’t like at all. I guess time will tell.

And then, we have to deal with this stupid boat, so I am loathe to change anything right now, because we have to do that and I don’t want to add stress back into our relationship.

However, all of that is kind of in the back of my head, because in the front is that my son and his family are coming in a few days, and we have plans for every day. It will be so wonderful. I’m taking them out for dinner at my favorite restaurant on Valentines Day, and up to Open Mic that I go to every week the night before which is the day they get here, for food and to meet all my friends. We’re going over to my sisters on the island for a couple days, too, and of course to the beaches here. Then one day is his girlfriend’s birthday too. Lots of stuff to do. I asked Dan to join us for the Valentines Day dinner but he seems to be very ambivalent about it. Whatever, I know I’ll enjoy it and so will my son and his family.

Lots to do so time to get going. Love and light, all.

A Soft Place to Land

I spent the day alone yesterday, all day. Didn’t even go out of the house. After going out for pizza and to listen to our good friends play Dan and I had stayed up until just after midnight Friday night. Since we were home by 8 PM, that was 4 hours of talking and about 2 hours past when I usually go to bed. The conversation turned to hard, difficult, at times angry. Finally, at one point in a break in the conversation I asked him if we could be done for the night.

For whatever reason that happened, I woke up yesterday morning after 4 hours of sleep, and my waking thought was, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go through this verbal blood and guts scene. We have been talking just a week now, and 3 times have had hours long conversations into the wee hours of the morning. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

I don’t know if he finally understood how this all came about, this whole rift, the crashing and burning of our relationship. I think we are trying to build a new foundation, though sometimes I feel like the old one is being defended. Which of course is not necessary. It’s not even the right thing to do.

But yesterday, upon waking, I didn’t know if I could continue. It was just too hard. It shouldn’t be that hard if love is present.

I didn’t try to reach him all morning, I needed a rest from the whole thing. And I was exhausted. In late morning, I got an email from him. I think he’s beginning to realize that when something is written, it is less likely that you run off-track, because this email was a beautiful thing. He soothed my bruised psyche. He reached out.

So, I did some journaling, I read for a while, I did a little bit of housework, I did a complete run through of the sound healing (which was so good for me) and I napped. He and I texted intermittently through out the day. It was peaceful. Even though I am still kind of in the place where I woke up, not knowing if I can stay with it, I see him trying and so, I continue to try. Still, I feel like it just shouldn’t be so hard. I crave the ease that used to define our relationship. I don’t know if we can ever get back there. I am reminded of the scene in Eat Pray Love, where Liz Gilbert says to David, “It’s not that I need easy. I just can’t have it be so hard.”

I can take hard, like illness, like external issues. I can’t take hard interpersonal relationships. Not this hard. I want to not be so tired that I can’t go for a walk, that I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone, that I am in my head way too much trying to understand what the hell is happening, and how I ultimately feel about it. I want to be his soft place to land, but I also want him to be that for me.

I am so grateful for my close circle of friends, my tribe as we call ourselves. They have been that soft place for me to land. I’m trying not to lean on them so much now, just trying to figure things out on my own. This is mostly my writers group.

I’m guessing I’ll be alone much of today too, until I get down to the beach and set up the sound healing with my friend Lynn. I asked Dan to join us, but I don’t think he’s going to. He is holding on to resentment that I excluded him at all, and not realizing that in doing so, he’s separating himself now. I invited him back to try to heal the resentments, to move us forward instead of being stuck in that hurtful place. But that’s a realization he needs to make on his own, and that’s what I told him, that it’s completely up to him whether he joins us or not. I know I can do it without him. I have planned until this last week to do this, and I’m ok with it. He can add to it, or not. You never know, he may surprise me and show up.

I also suggested to him that he could go and just be a participant. Lay on the beach and experience it from that side, because he has not done that. It would be good for him, and he could go with two of our good friends who always go. I don’t know if he’s considering that. I hope so.

My morning coffee is getting cold. It’s a chilly 54° outside. Since it’s supposed to get to 75° today, I think I’ll wait to take my walk. Gonna do my best to prepare myself for the sound healing, and hope nothing is able to disrupt that.

Love and light.

Personal Observations

The wind blew hard last night. Over 40 mph. Tornadoes were hanging around. It poured rain, flooded many areas. The moon is almost full, and the storm tide has brought water up into the streets, back up storm sewers, and pushed 10’ seas up on shore. It was a wild night.

But daybreak brings an end to the rain, and a breezy, not blustery, wind. As daylight illuminates, I see a fence down, palm fronds all over but of course not the dead ones I was hoping the wind would prune from one of my palms.

We don’t often get wild weather here in Florida, at least not this time of year. It is basically the same most days, sunny, a few clouds, with temps running from the 60’s to the 70’s, and sometimes a breeze like this morning. Some people would call it boring but I call it wonderful. I know the northeast got a bunch of snow in some places yesterday, and rain now, and it’s cold. So I’ll take my boring Florida sunshine. Meanwhile it was kind of fun having a night of wild weather last night. I’m guessing there are power outages around, and I’d probably not be so glib had I lost power, or had a tree fall on my house.

I was watching the news a little bit, the nightly news. I can’t stomach politics in the morning when I have a whole day in front of me. But now that the drama is over, and what we knew was going to happen sadly for our nation, actually happened, I don’t know if I can watch it at all. I mean seriously, I can’t take watching the child in the WH have another temper tantrum. That he has no humility is one thing. To attack those who could see through him, to the truth, is so inappropriate, to say the least. I expected no less from this sick man. So, I just choose to not watch, not hear. He’s proven who he is, and pretty much anything he has to say now only reinforces the soul-less human that he is. Enough of him. I will just ignore him and allow my life to go on without that injection of hate, anger and utter conscienceless rhetoric of his.

As I write this, the sun has begun to peek out from the clouds. It’s chilly this morning, but no one would call it cold. It looks like FL again. The weather for the sound healing on Sunday looks good. The weather for my son and his family’s trip here next week also looks good. Perhaps Florida spring is starting now. That would be nice.

I’m so pleased that Dan and I are really talking, about what matters to our relationship. It’s been wonderfully cathartic for me, and I believe for him too. We’re going to make our “debut” as a couple back into our own circle of friends tonight when we go to watch our good friends at a local restaurant. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable a few of our friends were when I wouldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him, especially with other people’s eyes on me. Even though I’d asked them all to please not change their relationships with him, a few did, and I hope our being together will help to heal that. It will never be as it was, neither of us wants to go there. We have been able to clearly talk about what we both want and need, and it isn’t to move back and forth from one house to another again. That happened by default, that we did that. As a consequence, after a time, neither of us was happy. I am writing more, because I am alone most mornings, and I need that time to myself. We have only had a few days of this new communication, so who knows where it will end up, but it is always better to communicate closely than not. We know, and have discussed, that we both care for each other very much. We also recognize that we need time to ourselves, need our own space, and it makes us better together. I have no expectations, want to push nothing. But I still love his big bear hugs.

I think we are building a much more tenable foundation for ourselves, one that can actually support us without sagging floors, and tilted walls. It’s all good.  I also think that as we age, change comes slowly, when you have a lifetime of experience to weigh the change against.

I can prepare for the sound healing with more enthusiasm now. I was and am a little nervous about performing by myself. I have told him he is welcome to join us, since I no longer feel the disconnect I did a month ago. I also said that I wanted the choice to be his, that I didn’t want him doing it because he thought I wanted it. I want him to be happy and comfortable. So far, he has declined until the March full moon. He also knows he can change his mind at any time. My friend who plays with me told me last night she thought she was coming down with something, and I’m afraid she’ll be sick for Sunday’s beach sound healing. (There is a terrible respiratory thing going around. I had it, and many people I know have had it.) I asked Dan if he would help me out if she couldn’t play Sunday,. I can’t do it completely by myself, I don’t think. He said he would. He thought my friend didn’t want him to play with us, and I hope he believed me when I told him that she was not on board with excluding him, but believed it was my call, not hers to make. For me, it was about the energy.  I felt our connection was broken, and that I couldn’t go up in front of all those people and pretend otherwise. I want no insincerity, no negativity, to be in that space. I mean, it’s vibrational healing, there needs to be an honest positive vibe. But now, we wouldn’t have to act, and even though things are not the same, and the outcome is yet unfolding, the energy around us is positive. We’ll see. I am good with whatever happens.

It’s interesting to watch my life’s path unfold. I feel like an observer at times. Following my intuition, and allowing what is, to just be what is.

Love and light to all.

A Shift In The Works

Today will be busy. I start at my friend Lynn’s Tibetan bowl meditation. Then she and I will get some lunch and maybe do a run-through of the sound bath. Then we will go to my Spirit Girls meeting, which is always nice. Lynn asked me afterward to take her to the grocery store because she can’t drive. Of course, I said I would, but it will mean getting home late, probably close to 6. That’s a long day for me. But I’ll enjoy it. I need these things, except the grocery store, lol.

The week has been very much in my heart, and in my head so far. Some things come into focus, and that’s a good thing, to see clearly. But clarity on one thing often leads to the obscurity of another. Like in a movie, when the cameraman focuses on a single point in the picture, The point becomes very clear, but the rest of the picture is blurred.

Slowly more and more pieces come together, but I’m still not sure what the outcome of this particular movie will be. I don’t expect to know.  If I could, I could make a lot of money predicting the future! All we can do is take one minute at a time, one moment, and stay with it. Try to stay in the flow of things. And let be what will be.

My son and his family will be here in a week. I’m very excited. He keeps calling me to tell me which of his favorite foods he wants me to make, or which places he wants to go. I am obviously going to be exhausted when he leaves, but happy. I told him he was only here for 6 days. He said, “Oh I know. I’m just throwing stuff out there as I think of it.” But he knows we can’t do it all, and that I have a budget. I think the highlight will be for him, taking his family over to my sister’s house. She has a beautiful old-style Florida house, with a lagoon type pool hidden in the back yard, and a private apartment for them to stay in. We’re only going for a night, but it will be fun.

I had such a nice visit with my sister the other day when we met for lunch. We sat and talked for 3 hours, about everything under the sun. She worried about taking up a table in this small cafe which was pretty busy because it’s tourist season here and everywhere is busy. But the waitress kept telling us it was ok, she’d let us know if they needed the table. It was good for my soul, I felt reconnected to her. I haven’t been to her house in ages. I’ll sleep in the bed my mother slept in when she lived there. It’s always full of good vibes, lol.

I’m not mentioning Dan on purpose. We are engaged in an ongoing conversation and I have no idea where it will end up. But it’s been good to be able to have this conversation, this close communication. So, I’m just going with the flow on it, and let happen what will. Just holding things close to my heart right now.

There’s a lot going on at the moment. I can feel an energy shift for sure. It seems like a good one, a positive shift. The focus becomes a little clearer all the time.

Love and light to all.

On Not Dying While You Are Still Breathing

Not much going on in this world on an early Monday morning. The Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump thinks Kansas City is in Kansas. The impeachment has a few hours before it starts, and it’s basically over anyway thanks to a bunch of gutless, spineless Republicans in the Senate who don’t give a damn about this nation, or the Constitution but that’s not news. It’s an old story which we can only change at the ballot box in November.

I had the Super Bowl on for a bit, maybe up to half-time, while I did other stuff. I tried to catch the commercials, but none of them were really making me laugh, they were just commercials. I watched the half-time show, but it didn’t tickle me either. Watching a couple of middle-aged women who are in great shape shake their asses at the camera just wasn’t my thing. It didn’t help that I don’t really relate to their music either. Miss the old days, with the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen half-time shows. So in the middle of Jlo’s bit, I flipped on Amazon and watched Daybreak.

I had a long texting thing with Dan yesterday, which he started because he is so offended that I won’t talk to him in public.  Or wouldn’t. He began texting me at 5 AM. Even though the conversation was obscured by the anger we both felt, we talked enough that I was intuitively clued in as to his thinking, as to what drives him. I had this epiphany, in the midst of his insults and defenses, and suddenly was able to see the whole picture of his life, like slides falling into place in an old fashioned slide show. Or like a movie with all the scenes in the correct order so that it finally made sense. I told him what I believed the truth was, and he didn’t deny it. He didn’t confirm it either, but lack of denial from him when he’s angry tells me a lot.

The most interesting thing I learned was that he, just like my ex-husband, believes that love is earned, not freely given. All kinds of love, with none of it is unconditional.  Which, knowing his family, I can fully see. And knowing that, and what the truth was about some of his dysfunction, all I feel is sorry for him now. I mean, really sorry for him. No BS, as I said to him. I have not cried at all during this break-up. But yesterday I did for a few minutes. But not for myself but for the sadness of his life. The choices he made which have led him to his isolation, his lack of compassion and empathy. I know that he never got that from anyone in his life. His value of himself is based on the approval, which to his mind is love, of those who use him. God, it’s so sad, even now.

So I texted that to him, I told him if he should want to ever talk about it, about the truth, I will listen. And I told him I can speak to him in public or private now, because I was given a crack in the window, to see the truth. I know that based on this thing about having to earn love, I have no place in my life for him on any level but a shallow friendship. Imagine telling your spouse or partner or child that they have to earn your love by doing for you. Wow.

He also told me that because I’d gained “35 lbs” I was no longer attractive to him. I corrected him. I gained 20, just like he did. I suppose it looks worse on me, as I’m 5’7″ and he’s over 6′.  And it didn’t change my whole appearance, which he claimed. It was such a superficial defense of indefensible action. So shallow. I don’t know anyone who would split up a relationship over 20 lbs. That’s when it started to become clear to me, how he has taken on these shallow and superficial attitudes as if they were true, instead of looking inside himself and finding the truth, and dealing with that. His weight was never an issue for me, I loved the man he was, or, more correctly, that I thought he was, that he represented himself to be in the beginning. He’s still overweight, even though he says he’s lost 10or 15 lbs. He’s big enough that it doesn’t show. But it’s a moot point. It’s not why I loved him, and isn’t why I am out of love with him now.

Just sad. He’ll never find happiness, and in fact, has told me he’s never really been happy in his life. Wow. Just wow. I will still be there if he ever wants to try to break through and look at the truth, because it will be a hard day, a really difficult moment should he get there. I’m confident he won’t. But I can talk to him if I run into him and harbor no anger. His life was destined to turn out this way. Mine is not, nor do I want to be around someone who tries to drag me into their hell. Should he ever want to sprout his wings and fly, I’ll be happy to help him. But otherwise, we have nothing in common.

I slept so well last night. I think it was having all this stuff fit together, and make sense. I went to bed with no angst about any of it. And woke up the same. It’s a wonderful thing, to sleep well.

I hope we get some work done on this boat this week. If he doesn’t want to deal with it, I will do what I can while it’s parked here in my yard. Get it cleaned up, take some pics, get an ad posted. I don’t know where to advertise it, besides FB marketplace. I am unfamiliar with the boating periodicals or website for Florida, but I’m sure there are some.

Lots going on this week. Lots of things to do. I’ve been practicing for the sound healing we are doing next Sunday at the beach, and need to just keep that up. It will be easier for me I think, without Dan there who doesn’t believe there are any healing properties in it, despite the many people who have come up and shared their experiences with me, and despite my own many profound experiences from attending them myself. If he can’t feel it, it must not be true, is I guess how he thinks. It’s too bad he’s built such an impermeable wall around his heart.

Here’s to breaking walls down, not building them. To allowing people in, by actually showing up and letting yourself be seen. To allow yourself to be vulnerable so you can take a chance on being loved, instead of spending your life afraid of it.

Here’s to living. Not dying while you breathe.

Love and light to all.

Lessons from the Cold

It was cold tonight
The north wind blew
It’s icy breath down my neck
You walked in
Dressed for Boston winter in Florida
Long leather coat
Where were your boots?

The sight of you froze me
I zipped up my vest
And pulled it tight around me
Wondering why
The sight of you made me so cold.

There was a time
You’d have pulled me close
To warm me
I’d have believed it too
You performed like a champ for me
For awhile

Now I look to myself to warm up
I know there’s nothing
honest about your heat
It wasn’t real
You broke my heart
I’d rather be cold.

By Deborah E. Dayen

 

 

Creating The Life

Wow, yesterday was quite a day. I got so much done, like cleaning up the used car seat for my step-granddaughter, vacuuming the kitchen floor from all the stuff that tracked in from yard work the day before, running errands, talked to one of my good musician friends on the phone for awhile, and good thing, I almost went to the wrong venue tonight to see her and her husband.

My friend who does the sound healing with me came over in the afternoon so we could practice. It’s really me who needs the practice, although she is taking over the crystal bowls too, instead of just the Tibetan ones, so she needed to figure out which mallet to use, where to place them all. We decided on some re-arranging of the instruments.

I am the one who is slightly nervous because I’m doing all the other instruments alone for the first time. I am worried about the sound being loud enough to carry outdoors, about the crowd getting the same benefit from one gong that they got from 2 gongs. But I think we’ve got it mostly figured out. Now I just need to continue to practice playing the ocean drum in concert with the small gong mallets called flumies, that create the wonderful sounds like whales, etc. My friend is so positive, she keeps telling me it’s going to be awesome, and that less will be more in this case. I think I’m beginning to believe her.

After I took her home (she is legally blind, and so doesn’t drive) I came back and made some really good Chicken Tortilla Soup. I’ve made it before, but I think this time was the best I’ve ever done. I have a bunch of it now, enough for dinner for a couple more nights, and maybe enough to give some away. I haven’t had any interest in cooking really, since I got back from the cruise, due to being sick, breaking up with Dan, having a ton of company. Anyway, it was great to feel like making something good for myself.

I sat down on the couch just in time to see the Senate vote to destroy our democracy. The Republicans are just a shameful, gutless bunch of Trumpian robots. Two had character. The rest need to be voted out. The truth was never a question for those 51 senators, only that they keep the pretend monarch happy. It makes me sick.

Today I might go to a seafood festival a few miles from here on St. Pete Beach if it stops raining. And tonight I plan to go to listen to my friends play for a bit. Three different performers are at 3 different venues tonight, so I have my choice, again, if it stops raining. They are all outdoor venues, and it’s chilly to boot, so I guess I’ll have to decide later. Tomorrow my writers’ group comes here, and that’s always so much fun.

And the Super Bowl…I am not a big football fan, though I am glad to see a couple different teams get to the Super Bowl. I’ll probably watch Jlo and Shakira. If I watch the game will depend on if it’s a blow-out or not.

So onward. Our lives are what we make of them. I love the life I have, and I love living all alone. I’m actually surprised how much I like it. There is a meme I shared on FB that says “A woman who knows what she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone.” I think that is where I’m at right now. And please remember, it’s never too late to begin creating the life of your dreams.

Love and light to everyone.