Vibrational Sound Healing (A Poem)

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The bowls begin their circular journey
The gong rumbles low
A drum begins to play
The gong intensity deepens
The meditation has begun

The sounds become a journey
A walk through deep woods
Maybe traveling among the stars
Or floating on the high seas
Whales calling, waves crashing

Your mind will clear
You will follow your own unique path
Exulting in the beauty around you
Connections run deep
With the other sojourners nearby

The full moon rises
The gong crashes
The vibrations pushing you through to the next level
Fears and worries fade
Uncommon peace follows

The drum grounds you
With its steady vibration
The rainstick brings breathing space
Refreshing your soul
You relax into yourself.

 

The vibrations slowly subside
Breathing returns to your natural rhythm
The stars twinkle overhead
As you return from your unique journey
Perhaps forever changed.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture taken by me.

Filling My Days

Ahhhh, up before dawn again. But it’s ok today, I slept well last night, for 7 ½ hours. I am good to go. And, I have a lot to do today, so that’s a good thing.

I’m trying to find a used highback booster seat for my son’s girlfriend’s daughter, who I will just call his step-daughter. I went to see one yesterday but it was for up to 40 lbs, and she’s 50. She legally doesn’t need one here in FL, but my son said her mother is the car seat nazi, so she does. I think I’ve found one though. Going this morning to look at it. New ones are expensive and I am not gonna spend $60 on a car seat that will be used for a week. Without the high back they are about $20. But this used one I found on FB market, for $20. So I’ll take it. If he doesn’t sell it before I get there.

Yesterday my hot water heater pilot light went out twice. Luckily, the last time it did this, I watched the guy re-light it and wrote the instructions in my phone. So, while I called Duke Energy who I pay $5 a month for insurance for the hot water heater, I got it started both times by myself. And it’s still going this morning. But I asked to have someone come look at it anyway because I don’t want it going out when I have company.

I’ve also been working on the sound healing reconfiguration, and I was able to get to a run-through yesterday. Today my friend who plays the Tibetan bowls at the sound healing is coming over and we will go through it together to see how we do. I’m feeling pretty confident that I can perform it by myself though, with minimal help from my friend. That’s a good thing. She loves doing it, but has trouble with the length of time, an hour, sitting.

I spent the afternoon on my deck. It was a wonderful FL day, 80°, sunny, a little tropical. I went out to read, and did some reading, but then the phone, lol. Besides friends FB messaging me, texts, messages from the guy with the car seat, I had a long convo with my sister who just came back from a 5-day cruise. It was the first I’d talked to her about the break-up. I was concerned that her hubby would be sad, because he got along with Dan and seemed to like him, but really, all is well. He is good with it, probably mostly because I am. But whatever.

It’s difficult when you break up with someone who has been in your life every day, every minute for a long time. People don’t know how to treat you when you’re in the same place separately, because we have the same friends. Dan said something to me about so-and-so was “your friend first.” What does that have to do with anything? They are friends, they will stay friends unless they don’t, but I won’t be involved. I mean, seriously, every friend he has here is someone he met through me. He brought nothing in the way of people to that relationship. I am glad though that he does have friends because isolation doesn’t lead to a good place. Last I heard he’s still going to the play/dinner theater this weekend that my BFF down here is in. I am fine with it, as long as I don’t have to sit at his table, and since the tables are 8 people, and we have about 15, we will have 2 tables. He can sit at one, I’ll sit at the other with my high school girlfriend who’s visiting and my friends here.

Then the next day, Monday, 2 more girls from high school are coming, and apparently want to have a “slumber party” at my house. It will be fun, but exhausting. We did this once before, and my one bathroom with 4 people staying in it will be a challenge. I think they’ll be leaving the next day to go to one of their sister’s place a couple hours from here. They are making the rounds. I think I’ll put a firelog in the firepit if it’s nice enough to sit outside.

I am moving along nicely. I miss him a little less each day, and also am a little less angry with him, and more feeling sorry for him. I know why he can’t give of himself. But knowing doesn’t excuse it. If I am ever going to have someone in my life again, which at this point I’m thinking not, they will be able to communicate with me, hear me, acknowledge me, and not argue with me.  I can do that I think. I like to have intimate conversations about who a person is. I’m sick of dealing with someone else’s defensive posture when all I want is to be heard. I’m pretty positive that no one will ever live with me again. I am not inclined to deal with someone else and all their idiosyncracies full time.  I need my space.  Alone but not lonely.

Whatever. It is what it is. I’m going for my 2nd cup of coffee, and watch the sunrise, which it will be doing in about 20 min. Love and light to all.

Less Is More

This morning’s “death” set me back. For about an hour. Not bad. I was angry not hurt, but I managed to get through it without adding to the garbage that was out there already.

I’ve been trying to take the old gong stand apart and down for about a week now.  I guess it was my adrenalin, but I went at it like a bear an hour after I threw him out of the house and got it into pieces small enough to stash under my bed for the time being. I was then able to put my living room back into the shape it was in before I had to rearrange it to accommodate 2 gongs. Then I set up the table that some of the other instruments sit on when performing. I sat down and began playing, first the bowls, then the gong came in low and I did that for a while. A long while. Then I realized I could play the ocean drum, and the gong flumies. Those are little rubber mallets, really superballs on a stick, that make the most amazing sounds. The smaller the diameter of the ball, the higher pitch sound. Most people think of them as the whale sounds, because they really do sound like whales keening. I have 5 different sized ones, and they sounded amazing with the ocean drum going at the same time. It was so soothing for me. Healing myself while I played.

When I decided I needed to eat, since I’d eaten an apple since coffee in the morning, I put it all down, let the vibrations fade and most of the intense anger was gone. I realized what a sad. solitary and broken life he had lived, and that his attacks were really about himself. Every time I wanted to tell him off, I started writing it out and then deleted it. So, I got it out of me, but didn’t add to the self-loathing than I’m pretty sure he already is deep into. Because in the end he will hear in his head the voices from his youth that told him he was always at fault for everything. Even though he is, lol, in this case.

No, not really. I believe that people do the best they can according to their level of consciousness at the time. I feel sorry for him, in the end, because, well, just because.  I don’t need to list the reasons. But the point is, the gongs not only heal those meditating while I play, but they heal me, to play them. It was a lovely thing. I feel blessed to have that gong in my house, and the bowls and the rest of those wonderful instruments.

Because I managed to get through that, I was able to make myself a good dinner. I’ve walked a mile and a half for two days in a row. I’m determined to get back to the way I was when I moved down here. I’ve had a rough go of it for the last many months. Wrecked my back, which seems ok now. Went on the cruise from hell, came back and was sick for 3 weeks. My health finally seems stable. The negative influence, which grew and grew until I was weighed down by has been eliminated. My knees crumbled under it. I’m straightening back up. Making new friends. Really working at reconfiguring my sound healing so I can do it with less. We all know less can be more. Maybe it was all in the grand design. I think it might come off better without him. Not to be mean. Honestly. But he never bought into the healing, and I think without that vibe from someone who is not all in, completely, it just might be more effective.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I stopped into a little shop full of handmade goods. It’s new, and I’d heard good things about it. I was the only customer in the store, and the owner was at the counter with her laptop. I asked her about the jewelry, was it local, handmade. I asked if maybe I could show her some of my work sometime. She said, sure bring it in. Then I asked her if she had ever heard sound healing at the beach. She looked at me for a moment and then said, “OMG! That was YOU!” I smiled and asked if she’d been there. She went on about how amazing it had been, and how it changed her, the experience was so intense. I knew she was speaking from her heart. She asked if she could tell me her story, and when she was done, I asked her if I could hug her.

Because that’s why I do it. To give people a venue to do what she did. To facilitate that kind of healing. I don’t do anything, I want to make that clear. I mean I take no credit for what happens there. I just offer the space, support and the vibrations, and energy so that people can heal themselves. I remembered this woman, because when she was leaving, she put her hands together in a prayer gesture, and thanked me so sincerely. She said I said to her, “welcome back.” I don’t remember saying that, but it’s likely, I say it often when the event is over. She said that when I said that she was thinking, OMG, she knew I was on a journey.

Well of course, I’ve taken that journey probably 300 times. I am so happy to share the experience. So without Dan, it will be different. But I think his absence will allow me to fly on my own, and who knows where that will lead.

Now I’m watching TV and thinking of making some kettle corn. Mmmmm.

Feeling very free tonight. Love and light everyone.

A Meeting, Maybe

I think Dan is coming over here to talk today, although he has not confirmed or given me a time. I have no expectations.  Since I told him my door was open if he could ever talk to me about the things that separate us, I feel like I should allow this. So, we’ll see what happens.

For the most part, I have found myself happier alone. I have periods where I miss him, but more where I am relieved that I can once again focus on the things important to me, without his judgment or demands. Like writing.

He has started coming out to the music venues where our friends play, and congregate. While I am very happy he’s not withdrawing into himself, which I was truly afraid of, it is uncomfortable for me, because I’m so angry that he treated our relationship so badly, and walked out on it rather than talk to me. So when I see him, I can barely look at him, for the pain and anger I feel. He can act….and pretend. I cannot. I will not. What you see is what you get. He wants to come to a dinner theater that my BFF here is starring in this Sunday. It’s bad enough when he’s sitting at a distance from me at another table. Having dinner with him (and a dozen at least other people) is not something I am looking forward to. He’s always at the center of things, because he’s funny, and quick, and loud. Thank God my high school girlfriend will be here to distract me, as well as other of my good friends. At the moment I just wish he wasn’t.

Anyway these are reasons we need to put this relationship on solid footing, either walking away, or walking together, but not standing still looking at each other, wondering what’s going on.

Well we will see what comes of talking today. If, in fact, it happens. Or if anything at all comes from it. It will be what it will be. I do know, for sure, that everything will be fine, in the end.

Love and light.

How I Do a Dream Interpretation

WordPress tells me I am on a 7-day streak, which gives me pleasure to know. I am back to my writing, it seems. I try not to be too specific in talking about my emotions any longer when I am writing here. I still write the details out, as I know of no more effective way to work things out than to write them down and see the patterns as they are.

Kind of like interpreting a dream, by utilizing a site that can assist. My personal favorite is dreammoods.com. I had a dream a couple weeks ago, vivid, remembered in detail but seemingly non-sensical. After looking up the main components of the dream, it made perfect sense. It aligned with what I believed, what had happened to me, and really confirmed what I already knew. It was very personal, so I won’t write about it here. But I did write about it, to put it all in order.

I list the main components and then look them each up for the meaning of that particular thing. In this dream, I was sleeping in a hallway at the beginning, and woke to a few inches of calm clear water on the floor. (This was only a portion of the dream.) So I looked up sleeping, hallway, flooding, water, windows (because they lined the hallway), and ceiling. I copy and paste them onto a description of the dream, and after I am all done, am able to make sense of it. Then I summarize it, and what it was telling me. I find it very helpful. I just wish I remembered more of my dreams.

I am determined to go for a walk today. I finally got a good night’s sleep, am not coughing, and have plans for a fun evening. I guess that means I should go get dressed. Besides, one of the neighbors just came out on their deck to smoke…so the peaceful tranquility of silence is broken. My coffee cup is empty anyway.

Love and light to all

It’s Enough

The silence of a Sunday morning
Wraps around me soft and oddly cool
Sitting outside in the hazy warm sunshine
My trusted coffee cup beside me
My peace lily in front of me.

The wind has died down for the moment,
Amplifying the stillness
And I feel a spark of happiness
Trying to re-light the fire that usually resides in my heart.

It’s returning.
Maybe not for the day
But for now.
And knowing that this moment is all that matters
It is enough.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen