Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

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A Trying Kind of Day

at-least-i-tried

It was a trying day. Like the kind of day where you’re trying really hard not to quit your job. Grrr. But it’s over.

Since I put up that post about “how long can your sign hold a grudge” I’ve been looking into my Aries traits. I have never been really into astrology, but honestly, everything I read about Aries is on the money with me. Strong, quick tempered but just as quick to get over it and forgive. Energetic. Extroverted. Passionate. Tonight I was looking up my best matches, lol. And whether or not my ex and I, or Scott and I were a good match.  Just informative, I wasn’t doing anything but a little retro-analysis for fun.  Just to see.

My ex was a Pisces. Honestly my Aries traits were so subdued with him, because I was always trying to figure out how to be so he’d be happy. So he’d approve and not loose that vitriolic tongue on me. So whether or not we’d have been a good match if he wasn’t an abusive sociopath, remains to be seen. The site I was reading said Pisces are gentle and intuitive….Well, not my ex. I guess he was in bed, but that was the only place.

But I think when you add all the facets of an abuser to any sign, the rest of the traits are lost, really.

Scott was an Aquarian, and man, he is the quintessential Aquarian. This site said “The relationship of Aries and Aquarius is very exciting, adventurous and interesting. They will enjoy each other’s company as both of them love fun and freedom. Although they share the same personality traits Aquarians need more space than Arians which may create a tiff between them. An Aquarian will always support the spontaneity of an Arian and in turn the Arian will also admire the creativity and innovative ideas of an Aquarian.” Damn, so true….he loved his space (of course, I didn’t know it ws filled with Betty…..) He was creative, and innovative, and I loved those things about him. That his creativity led him to creatively deceive two women….lol. Well, let’s just say, I’m not interested in pursuing that any longer!

I had to laugh….Betty is a Scorpio, supposedly the worst match for an Aquarius. “Scorpio’s moodiness, jealousy, and possessiveness will eventually make Aquarius feel trapped and possibly ignite the water bearer’s roving eye.” Um, maybe…….LOL. Sounds like a match made in, um….heaven? Lol. Well, she should know, she’s known him long enough.

Makes me laugh, how he projected the jealousy thing onto me. Yeah, when he did the prison whore…I was jealous for a moment.  I was more pissed, and appalled and devastated.  He devastated me for a hooker?   Jealousy was a small part of it. When he dumped me by telling me he was going to be with Betty after leading me on all week, I was jealous. But not that much after, I figured he knew what he wanted, and I just missed him.  And still loved him.  When I saw him in January and he was crying to me about her, I wasn’t jealous at all.  Apparently she was, though, when she found out he was with me.  Whatever.  It’s just that I kept wondering why he kept telling me he hated my jealousy when I really wasn’t, have never been, jealous.  I won’t share, but that’s not jealousy.  Hell, I always laughed at the way he flirted with the cashiers and the waitresses, he was funny as hell.  I’ve always known who I am, and that I have value, and if you don’t like it or want it, I’ll find someone who does.

Interesting though. But ’nuff said. Just anecdotal now.

I called my ex this morning, to ask him what would be a good time to drop off all the cassettes I have that I’m gonna give to him, because I can’t play them. He was appropriately grateful. Then he asked how our son was.

I said, “Oh he’s fine. I know he keeps saying he is going to call you but hasn’t done it.” He started to tell me how he thought about it for 3 days, searched his heart….he doesn’t work, and has no friends, so he’s got nothing else to do. Anyway, he came up with the reason my son won’t talk to him (It’s been maybe 6 years or so….) is because my son could never understand why his father and I couldn’t get along and he had to grow up in that bad relationship. Was it ok if he talked to my son about that?

I wanted to laugh. I mean really. But all I said was, “You can talk to him about whatever you want. But you are barking up the wrong tree. The reason he doesn’t talk to you has nothing to do with our relationship or with me.”

Of course he got mad. Got his defensive back up, lol. Idiot. My son won’t talk to him because he physically, emotionally and verbally abused the kid his whole life. Duh. I didn’t say that. I just said, ok, you believe what you want to. I gotta go.

And ended the conversation.

Maybe he’ll call a couple more people who don’t know my son, and haven’t spoken to me in 10 years for some advice. He’s lost his business, his home, his boat, his family. And it’s all someone else’s fault I guess. Probably mine…..

So with that conversation, I became more sure that they will never have a relationship. Even if my son called him, talked to him, the minute his father started on him with this bullshit, son would get pissed and walk away.

His father will never own up to the damage he did. It’s clear.

It’s sad, for my son. I’d love him to have a father. But not one like that, that can’t see the truth, can’t own what he has done, can’t recognize, feel remorse and repair the damage. Nope. My 23 year old son can do that. His 65 year old father cannot.

Sad. It’s sad for my ex. He’s gonna live his life out in this 500 sq. ft cottage, in the shadow of the life he could have had, right next door…..It’s actually kinda creepy…..

So, I’m thinking, it snowed today. I talked to my ex and he was the asshole I’ve always known and loved. Work was beyond chaotic today.

But I did try…..with my ex, to get somewhere with him. He told me he doesn’t want my thoughts on how to resolve his relationship with my son. So he won’t get them.

Love and light to all. Even him…..