Not Foolish, nor Destined to Repeat the Past :-)

The sun was almost up when I awoke this morning. Daybreak had broken, the eastern sky was alight. I slept the sleep of the dead last night. I didn’t go anywhere, both of my friends who were going to go to the artwalk with me were sick. One with a cold, the other with a migraine. As it turned out I fell asleep on my couch from 5 to 6, and then stayed up late because I wasn’t tired.

I was in quite a mood last night, and yesterday, with those poems I wrote, Foolishness and Destined. Today my waking mind was in a far more indifferent place. It is always therapeutic lean in to that discomfort when it shows up, to write those feelings out, and send them out to the universe.

This morning I’m out on my deck, sipping my coffee under the canopy of the banyan tree in my nightgown, feeling quite content. I am still seeking a love that can last, but have no regrets over the past, nor really any attachment to it. Just moving forward, and expect what will come will come when it’s supposed to, if it’s supposed to. In the meantime I have friends and family here that I love and who love me, and a wonderful life. There is no reason to feel bitterness or angst.

And who knows? I had a short text with C last night. He’s always up, it seems. In a good place. It’s a refreshing change for me. I hope I hear from him again soon.

I always say that the people I loved I will always love. But really, some of those people are out of my life for a reason, and the reason is that they were in it to teach me, part of the lesson my soul needed to learn. They’ve taught me and we’ve both moved on to our own next lessons. Today, I am grateful for the lessons, and for the fact that I have such a wonderful starting point for my next adventure. Love always? Yes, I suppose so. But maybe not desire, not hope that things will be different. Oprah defined forgiveness as giving up hope that the past will ever change. I think that’s where I am. Glean from it what we can, and go on.

Like my horoscope said, I am an Aries and I like to move forward. I can backslide like anyone else, but not for long. I don’t like that place. I hate covering the same real estate twice. A relationship that takes me over and over the same ground without ever moving forward is not compatible with me.

Feeling so much more myself today. I’m going to go down to the water, take a long walk. Go to the grocery store and get the stuff I need for Christmas food. I’m making baked stuffed shrimp for Christmas Eve at my sisters. And for Christmas night, my traditional raspberry angel food cake with Raspberry Amaretto Sauce. And whatever my sister and I decide we want for Christmas Day. We’re invited to a friends in her neigborhood for Christmas night, which will be fun. It will remind me how I always went to my bff’s in CT on Christmas night. I was often the only non-blood family there, but that huge family always treated me like one of their own.

I have been really blessed, haven’t I?

Love and light, all.

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Saturday Morning Musings

I answered the man who sent me the nice message yesterday.  It will be interesting to see where that goes, if anywhere.  I hope he’s not boring.  That is the kiss of death with me, lol.  I suppose people might think, don’t you want someone who’s boring, I mean, haven’t I had enough of men who aren’t?  Well, no, I believe for some reason that there are men who aren’t boring, who can love passionately too.  I have some hope, he paints, so the fact that he is creative usually speaks to whether or not he’s boring.  He seemed sincere anyway.

I was thinking yesterday about the last time I went to Florida, last June, to see my mother. I was so angry that S suddenly decided not to go with me, after finding cheap fares, and car rental, etc.  It was a no-brainer, to stay for free at my sister’s beautiful home 2 blocks from the ocean. We’d have had the place to ourselves, because my sister and brother-in-law weren’t there then.  Suddenly he had a huge change of heart, of course, because B was back in his life and he couldn’t be honest and tell me.  I was angry about it for half the summer.

Now, I’m SO GLAD that he didn’t.  Now I don’t have any memories of him there with me.  There is nothing that will be tainted with a memory of him.  Funny how the Universe works that way.  It was doing me a huge favor, which I couldn’t see til now.

I’m pretty excited to think about seeing a sunset over the Gulf on Wednesday evening.  Long term forecast is perfect for down there.

B is still showing up on my FB list of people available to chat.  Though it never shows her available.  I guess that we are friends energetically, lol.  I hope she’s well.  I hope she’s not been sucked in again by him.

Lots to do this weekend, so I guess I’d better get started, lol. Love and light, and laughter, everyone.

 

The Continuing Journey

The name of this blog is Learning to Live Like Water. Lately, I have been getting some real lessons in that. I suppose I should say, more real lessons.

When I left my abusive marriage, I spent 4 years trying to disentangle 32 years of my life from those things that had tied me to that relationship. I spent 2 years trying to free my son from it. In the end, he freed himself, he walked away from it, to my ever waiting open arms, with the clothes on his back to the promise of a better life. I spent 2 more years fighting for what was mine.

All during that time, I learned. I learned about stillness, and unconditional love, and connection, and energy. I realized that I had been learning all through the marriage, I learned that what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. Smarter. More resilient. Hopefully, more graceful, happier, more fulfilled. Grateful. I became grateful for all that had happened to me, because everything that happens to us brings us to where we are. I like where I am now. Therefore, I am grateful for the lessons.

I didn’t even consider dating for the first 5 years I was out. I was fighting the good fight, for one thing, and had no energy to give to a thought about dating. I was afraid too, with a little PTSD, about it. I knew that I had a ton of baggage, which I didn’t want to bring to another relationship. If I were ever to have another loving relationship, I wanted it to be healthy. Not bogged down with the past. I have this dream that a relationship that connects on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level is possible.

So, about a year ago, I finally signed on the dating sites, and began actively pursuing the dating. I have had dates, some interactions, I have made one really good friend, but nothing that really clicked on all three levels. I made a commitment to myself, that I would not settle for less. Not part of that connection, but all of it.

So, maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe not. But the whole thing is a lesson in living like water. Trying to force it does not bring it into my life. I have found myself excited about people I’ve talked to on the phone, only to meet them and have no real connection. Or, in the case of my good friend, connections on some levels, but not on all levels. He is a blessing though, because he is the first man I have ever been able to discuss the whole thing with, and we have discussed our differences, we understand them, but still enjoy spending time together because we connect on many levels. We know what each other wants, we know each others boundaries. Neither of us asks for what the other cannot provide.

Our friendship has been a great lesson in learning to live like water. To learn to go with the flow, to move around the obstacles, to change form. To continue the journey back to source. And to find joy in the present moment, appreciating what we are given.

This morning, I have felt a letting go. Just a letting go of that attachment to the outcome of having a complete, full loving relationship. I am feeling space in my heart, where that attachment was, which is now space for some new blessing to fill. Not that I want a loving relationship any less, but the time is here to let go of driving it, trying to make it happen. I have put the energy out there. The universe has heard me, I know because one thing I learned in this never ending classroom of life, one thing I know for sure, is that the Universe always hears us. And then conspires to bring us what we want.

I have been so blessed in my life. I have really learned to “Let go, and let God.” In the battle for my son, I surrendered, and he walked to me, on his own. In the battle to reclaim my life, I surrendered, I followed my intuition, I listened. I let go when my gut told me, I held on when it directed me to. I got what was rightfully mine, despite the epic battle that was waged to keep it from me. Lao Tsu tells us

“The power of intuitive understanding will protect you from harm until the end of your days.” I know this to be true, beyond the possibility of doubt.

 Today, my gut says to let it go. My intuition is telling me that is what I need to do, should do. Not to give up the dream, but to surrender it to the Universe. It is a slightly fearful thing to do, but I have learned to trust that which I cannot see, the enormous energy around me that will bring me what I ask at the perfect time.

Always, always, learning a little more, a little more deeply, about living like water.

 “Nothing in the world is softer

and weaker than water.

But for attacking the hard, the unyielding,

Nothing can surpass it.

There is nothing like it.

The weak overcomes the strong;

the soft surpasses the hard.

In all the world, there is no one who does not know this,

but no one can master the practice.

Therefore the master remains

serene in the midst of sorrow;

evil cannot enter his heart,

Because he has given up helping,

he is people’s greatest help.

True words appear paradoxical.

– The 78th verse of The Tao.

Gifts from the Universe?

Ideas for a blog have been bombarding me for a few days now. But usually they hit me when I’m driving to or from work, can’t write them down, can’t even make a voice memo on my phone because I’d have to navigate through the phone to find the app. So I’m trying to remember them now.

The other night, I was driving home at about 7:30, and the sun was setting, the sky had wispy pink clouds and was a bluish gray color. It was pretty enough, I mean, really beautiful, but then, the pink clouds thinned a little and there was a wee baby moon just a tiny slice of the moon hanging there in the clouds, just slightly fuzzy from the thin clouds in front of it. Very surreal. If I hadn’t been driving I’d have tried to take a picture.

Things like that are just such a gift. They make me glad I’m alive. This morning, when I went to work, it was very foggy, and the fog was burning off. So, when I left the house at about 8 AM, the fog was bright, (as opposed to the gray when it’s not burning off). As I continued to drive, the fog burned off above me, but it lay on the tree tops, on the hills. Softening the morning world. Then I went over a hill, the biggest hill between my house and work, at the top of the hill, the sky was blue, the clouds white and puffy. It was just a beautiful morning. I was grateful to be alive in it.

Small every day things. It was almost 100° today. Like one more blast of summer. I went to the cove for lunch. It’s a cove on the CT river. To get there you drive down an old main street that is lined with homes that are 200 and even 300 years old, wide lawns and at the end of the street is the cove, where the sea captains who originally lived in those houses, used to anchor their ships when they were home from the sea. I pull up right to the water, so that it feels like I am in the water when I look out over the hood of my car. There is no shade there. I just opened the window and let the hot breeze come in my car as I ate my yogurt, with fresh pineapple and mango, read a little, watched the seagulls, and the couple of boaters who were out, and then closed my eyes for a short mid-day meditation.

So grateful to have that place close enough to work so I can go there for lunch. So grateful to have one last day where it was hot, hot and humid, summer. Did I mention I love summer?

So that was one of the ideas for a journal, or a blog, that was rolling around in my head. Just the gratitude I feel for living in such a beautiful world.

The other one is Syria. Yesterday at work I read a news article reporting on Putin’s proposal. And how Obama was going to hold off on the Congressional vote to strike Syria.

All I could think of was, so many people have been praying that somehow the weapons are stopped from flying. So much energy has been sent to the people of Syria and to the universe to somehow stop this action that seemed destined to happen. I got an email from my Reiki teacher that she was passing along to her students from William Rand, the father of Reiki, asking all Reiki practitioners to send Reiki to the Syrian people, the leaders there and here. Lots of energy being directed at that situation, with the intention of peace.

And here a proposal to keep the bombs from flying came, from Russia, from Putin, the last place I would have expected it. I could only keep thinking, the Universe is working in OUR behalf.

It made me think that the “shift” that we keep hearing about (at least among those of us who work with energy and spirituality) is really taking place. That maybe enough people sent enough positive energy, enough prayers, to stop this from happening,  causing the universe to work in ways we’d never expect to bring about the ideas that might stop the bombs from flying. We don’t know for sure, yet. It has to play out. But the momentum has slowed for the rockets to fly. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if, as I read later, Obama might have been orchestrating this, if Putin is just trying to set Syria up, there are so many things people can and will and do say to explain this, to try to find fault with it, but the thing is…Congress didn’t vote today. We know we have at least a few more days of peace, a few more than we thought we had. We know that the people of Syria have a few more days.

Dare we think that perhaps the world as a whole really is shifting, that the balance is beginning to lean in the way of love? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just look for good in places where it’s not. Maybe I oversimplify things. Maybe I’m naïve.

After the Boston bombings, I read on FB a sign that said, “There will always be more of us than there are of you.” If you believe in the Law of Attraction, if you believe that what you think about expands, if you believe that we can create the kind of world that we want to live in, then it’s not impossible that this proposal is a sign that the world is re-ordering itself, based on the kind of world that we are collectively thinking about living in.

It’s happened to me personally, so many times that I now expect that what I think about, with sincere intention, will happen. As a good friend says, when you get good at it, you have to duck when you say shit. And if there are more of us, thinking about a world based in love and compassion, and not fear, and greed and hate and anger, not ego , but spirit and soul, then maybe. Just maybe….we are beginning to manifest a different world.

Time will tell. Maybe it’s an anomaly, and bombers will fly by the weekend, and the path of death and destruction will be front and center again. Maybe, and maybe not.

But it’s important the we recognize miracles when they happen. So, I’m going to lend my energy to the thought that a miracle is unfolding before us.