Crack the Door, Crack the Mirror. Spread a LIttle Light.

I have heard it said, from so many great spiritual teachers, that when we rage at someone, we are only raging at ourselves. That we see in the other person, that which we dislike about ourselves. Or that which we fear in ourselves.

I have done this myself. Gotten so angry at someone, because I read into their words something they didn’t mean to say. I have answered questions that weren’t asked, and not answered the one that was, because I projected, based on my own demons or ego, what I thought they really wanted to know.

And people have done that to me. They have taken my good intentions and twisted them into something ugly. They have inserted their own guilt, or fear, into what I say to make it mean something hurtful to them. And raged at me for it

Generally speaking, when one person rages at another, I am pretty sure it usually ends up with two egos battling, and two people angry with each other. A ruptured relationship. I am guilty of this, as I have defended myself against the untrue projections. And people have defended themselves to me, against my false accusations.

Imagine, for example, you offer your help to someone who asks, but at the same time, lay down boundaries which are necessary for you to maintain your equilibrium. The person, who had other ideas about the form your help would take, becomes angry at your boundaries, and interprets them as being put there to hurt them. While in reality, they are put there for your own safety, so you can continue on with your life while helping them.

This happened to me…..which obviously I am trying to work out by writing this essay.

It got ugly….there are more details in my last blog. But the fact is, 4 or 5 days later, I am still concerned about this person. I blocked him on my phone, on my email. Because of the ugliness. But I began to worry, about the ordeal he faces, and just wanted to know he was ok, with what he had to do, with the arrangements he made. I didn’t want to start up with him again, or even have a conversation. But I could not sleep wondering if he was ok, and knowing that I’d cut off all access to reach me.

So what is that? It’s unconditional love. This person has hurt me, but I see now that he has hurt himself more, that he lost much more than me from his actions. I forgive him, and move on. Because I know that holding onto pain and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die. It’s a lesson I learned well going through an ugly, contentious, 4 year divorce. In order for me to move on, I had to forgive my ex for all the ills he had attempted to do to me. Because holding on to the hate, pain and anger, gave my ex control still. I knew he didn’t know better, I knew that it was his own fear, and feelings of inadequacy that caused him to do those things. And I also learned that our thoughts become things. All the ills he wished on me, were what manifested for him. It is sad, just sad, to see this happen to someone you loved.

So it is the same now. I see that this man believes he is not worthy of unconditional love. He believes he is being punished by forces greater than himself. He lashes out, because he listens to the voice he thinks is protecting him, when in fact it is the voice that is leading him to harm. It leads him to being alone, thinking he needs no one. That he is separate from the whole. When in reality, we are all one thing, and need each other.

Now that the anger has subsided over the projections, and nastiness, and I have allowed my spirit to once again take over, and feel the unconditional love for him that I try to extend where ever I go….I feel for him. I feel for his inner child, I see his soul and the struggle it has to be heard, to be allowed to shine, to remove the layers of darkness that lie over it. Last night I could not sleep, because I knew I had shut a door that needed to be cracked open. It actually made my stomach hurt.

During my divorce, in the early days, my son was living with my abusive and controlling ex. My ex conspired with my son, all kinds of things that hurt me, one of which was to cut off my ability to communicate with my son. I used to go knock on the door of my old house, the place I’d lived for 30 years, and just beg my son to come out and hug me. Because I knew, somehow through the grace of God, that my son needed to know I was still standing no matter what he did to me. That I still loved him unconditionally just because he existed. Eventually, he understood, and walked away from his abusive and controlling father to my door, with the clothes on his back. Because he knew.

It was then, that I learned the overwhelming power of unconditional love.

So, I sent this man a text after unblocking him, and told him I just need to know if he’s ok. I think I wanted him to know that I still care…that no matter what he throws at me, I will still be standing. I don’t want to be his lover, but I want him to know that I can live what I preach, that I can walk the walk at the end of the day. I also want to know that for myself.

Unconditional love means just that…it’s unconditional. We cannot pick and choose those we love. We have to love everyone. Probably especially those our egos feel least deserve it.

So….my intention was not to be a mirror to him. But I know I was, we are all mirrors for each other, whether intentionally or not. It’s the way it works. I know he didn’t like what he saw, and that his ego took over and projected all his fear onto me, and my motives. And I know he hurts, he knows somewhere that he read me wrong. A little bit at a time, I hope he can begin to believe that he is worthy of love, and….that he doesn’t have to earn it. That it is his because he exists.

Living like water means that we find a way to get back to source. So that’s what I’ve done. I have found a way to get back to source and extend love where it is needed. I know that most people would not understand. But this morning, my soul feels free, I am satisfied that I did the right thing, cracking open that door for a little light to shine through.  A Course in Miracles says that a miracle is a change in perception from fear to love. I hope I have helped to start that process.   I hope I cracked his mirror a little too. Cracked the door, cracked the mirror. Spread a little light where it was needed.

The Continuing Journey

The name of this blog is Learning to Live Like Water. Lately, I have been getting some real lessons in that. I suppose I should say, more real lessons.

When I left my abusive marriage, I spent 4 years trying to disentangle 32 years of my life from those things that had tied me to that relationship. I spent 2 years trying to free my son from it. In the end, he freed himself, he walked away from it, to my ever waiting open arms, with the clothes on his back to the promise of a better life. I spent 2 more years fighting for what was mine.

All during that time, I learned. I learned about stillness, and unconditional love, and connection, and energy. I realized that I had been learning all through the marriage, I learned that what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. Smarter. More resilient. Hopefully, more graceful, happier, more fulfilled. Grateful. I became grateful for all that had happened to me, because everything that happens to us brings us to where we are. I like where I am now. Therefore, I am grateful for the lessons.

I didn’t even consider dating for the first 5 years I was out. I was fighting the good fight, for one thing, and had no energy to give to a thought about dating. I was afraid too, with a little PTSD, about it. I knew that I had a ton of baggage, which I didn’t want to bring to another relationship. If I were ever to have another loving relationship, I wanted it to be healthy. Not bogged down with the past. I have this dream that a relationship that connects on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level is possible.

So, about a year ago, I finally signed on the dating sites, and began actively pursuing the dating. I have had dates, some interactions, I have made one really good friend, but nothing that really clicked on all three levels. I made a commitment to myself, that I would not settle for less. Not part of that connection, but all of it.

So, maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe not. But the whole thing is a lesson in living like water. Trying to force it does not bring it into my life. I have found myself excited about people I’ve talked to on the phone, only to meet them and have no real connection. Or, in the case of my good friend, connections on some levels, but not on all levels. He is a blessing though, because he is the first man I have ever been able to discuss the whole thing with, and we have discussed our differences, we understand them, but still enjoy spending time together because we connect on many levels. We know what each other wants, we know each others boundaries. Neither of us asks for what the other cannot provide.

Our friendship has been a great lesson in learning to live like water. To learn to go with the flow, to move around the obstacles, to change form. To continue the journey back to source. And to find joy in the present moment, appreciating what we are given.

This morning, I have felt a letting go. Just a letting go of that attachment to the outcome of having a complete, full loving relationship. I am feeling space in my heart, where that attachment was, which is now space for some new blessing to fill. Not that I want a loving relationship any less, but the time is here to let go of driving it, trying to make it happen. I have put the energy out there. The universe has heard me, I know because one thing I learned in this never ending classroom of life, one thing I know for sure, is that the Universe always hears us. And then conspires to bring us what we want.

I have been so blessed in my life. I have really learned to “Let go, and let God.” In the battle for my son, I surrendered, and he walked to me, on his own. In the battle to reclaim my life, I surrendered, I followed my intuition, I listened. I let go when my gut told me, I held on when it directed me to. I got what was rightfully mine, despite the epic battle that was waged to keep it from me. Lao Tsu tells us

“The power of intuitive understanding will protect you from harm until the end of your days.” I know this to be true, beyond the possibility of doubt.

 Today, my gut says to let it go. My intuition is telling me that is what I need to do, should do. Not to give up the dream, but to surrender it to the Universe. It is a slightly fearful thing to do, but I have learned to trust that which I cannot see, the enormous energy around me that will bring me what I ask at the perfect time.

Always, always, learning a little more, a little more deeply, about living like water.

 “Nothing in the world is softer

and weaker than water.

But for attacking the hard, the unyielding,

Nothing can surpass it.

There is nothing like it.

The weak overcomes the strong;

the soft surpasses the hard.

In all the world, there is no one who does not know this,

but no one can master the practice.

Therefore the master remains

serene in the midst of sorrow;

evil cannot enter his heart,

Because he has given up helping,

he is people’s greatest help.

True words appear paradoxical.

– The 78th verse of The Tao.

Gifts from the Universe?

Ideas for a blog have been bombarding me for a few days now. But usually they hit me when I’m driving to or from work, can’t write them down, can’t even make a voice memo on my phone because I’d have to navigate through the phone to find the app. So I’m trying to remember them now.

The other night, I was driving home at about 7:30, and the sun was setting, the sky had wispy pink clouds and was a bluish gray color. It was pretty enough, I mean, really beautiful, but then, the pink clouds thinned a little and there was a wee baby moon just a tiny slice of the moon hanging there in the clouds, just slightly fuzzy from the thin clouds in front of it. Very surreal. If I hadn’t been driving I’d have tried to take a picture.

Things like that are just such a gift. They make me glad I’m alive. This morning, when I went to work, it was very foggy, and the fog was burning off. So, when I left the house at about 8 AM, the fog was bright, (as opposed to the gray when it’s not burning off). As I continued to drive, the fog burned off above me, but it lay on the tree tops, on the hills. Softening the morning world. Then I went over a hill, the biggest hill between my house and work, at the top of the hill, the sky was blue, the clouds white and puffy. It was just a beautiful morning. I was grateful to be alive in it.

Small every day things. It was almost 100° today. Like one more blast of summer. I went to the cove for lunch. It’s a cove on the CT river. To get there you drive down an old main street that is lined with homes that are 200 and even 300 years old, wide lawns and at the end of the street is the cove, where the sea captains who originally lived in those houses, used to anchor their ships when they were home from the sea. I pull up right to the water, so that it feels like I am in the water when I look out over the hood of my car. There is no shade there. I just opened the window and let the hot breeze come in my car as I ate my yogurt, with fresh pineapple and mango, read a little, watched the seagulls, and the couple of boaters who were out, and then closed my eyes for a short mid-day meditation.

So grateful to have that place close enough to work so I can go there for lunch. So grateful to have one last day where it was hot, hot and humid, summer. Did I mention I love summer?

So that was one of the ideas for a journal, or a blog, that was rolling around in my head. Just the gratitude I feel for living in such a beautiful world.

The other one is Syria. Yesterday at work I read a news article reporting on Putin’s proposal. And how Obama was going to hold off on the Congressional vote to strike Syria.

All I could think of was, so many people have been praying that somehow the weapons are stopped from flying. So much energy has been sent to the people of Syria and to the universe to somehow stop this action that seemed destined to happen. I got an email from my Reiki teacher that she was passing along to her students from William Rand, the father of Reiki, asking all Reiki practitioners to send Reiki to the Syrian people, the leaders there and here. Lots of energy being directed at that situation, with the intention of peace.

And here a proposal to keep the bombs from flying came, from Russia, from Putin, the last place I would have expected it. I could only keep thinking, the Universe is working in OUR behalf.

It made me think that the “shift” that we keep hearing about (at least among those of us who work with energy and spirituality) is really taking place. That maybe enough people sent enough positive energy, enough prayers, to stop this from happening,  causing the universe to work in ways we’d never expect to bring about the ideas that might stop the bombs from flying. We don’t know for sure, yet. It has to play out. But the momentum has slowed for the rockets to fly. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if, as I read later, Obama might have been orchestrating this, if Putin is just trying to set Syria up, there are so many things people can and will and do say to explain this, to try to find fault with it, but the thing is…Congress didn’t vote today. We know we have at least a few more days of peace, a few more than we thought we had. We know that the people of Syria have a few more days.

Dare we think that perhaps the world as a whole really is shifting, that the balance is beginning to lean in the way of love? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just look for good in places where it’s not. Maybe I oversimplify things. Maybe I’m naïve.

After the Boston bombings, I read on FB a sign that said, “There will always be more of us than there are of you.” If you believe in the Law of Attraction, if you believe that what you think about expands, if you believe that we can create the kind of world that we want to live in, then it’s not impossible that this proposal is a sign that the world is re-ordering itself, based on the kind of world that we are collectively thinking about living in.

It’s happened to me personally, so many times that I now expect that what I think about, with sincere intention, will happen. As a good friend says, when you get good at it, you have to duck when you say shit. And if there are more of us, thinking about a world based in love and compassion, and not fear, and greed and hate and anger, not ego , but spirit and soul, then maybe. Just maybe….we are beginning to manifest a different world.

Time will tell. Maybe it’s an anomaly, and bombers will fly by the weekend, and the path of death and destruction will be front and center again. Maybe, and maybe not.

But it’s important the we recognize miracles when they happen. So, I’m going to lend my energy to the thought that a miracle is unfolding before us.