Gifts

This was inspired by Megan’s Post “keychains” on her “love will lead you home” blog.  https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/2015/07/01/keychains/

Gifts….I have two gifts from S.  He bought a few others, and I threw them away when he did the prison whore.  Just didn’t want any reminders of him around then.  But the two I kept were a book, on wire-wrapping sea glass. And a deck prism light, just like the one in the picture.

The book he gave me for no reason except that he saw it and knew I enjoy wire wrapping, and love sea glass.  I have a few pieces I’ve done.  One or two might be on my website, http://www.sundogsdesigns.etsy.com, but most of them I can’t seem to part with, lol.  The book was a genuinely thoughtful gift, and I’ll always think of it with some affection.

The deck prism is one of my favorite things.  When he did the prison whore I hid it away for a couple of months, I couldn’t stand the reminder of him. But I love it, it’s a solid glass prism, a replica of the kind used in old sailing ships to bring light into the lower decks.  It sits in a fitted lighted tray.  It’s next to my bed, and when I turn it on in the night, it doesn’t hurt my eyes, it just casts a soft warm glow in the room.  It’s been there long enough now, that it’s just mine, it does not pull at my heartstrings to light it, or look at it.

Reading Megan’s blog, though, I remembered how thrilled I was to get anything from him, any sign that he cared even a little bit for me as much as I did for him.  Maybe he did for awhile.  In his own way.  He just couldn’t stay with it maybe.  I don’t know.

I gave him some things too…a lot more things because I always brought him something when I went to Florida.  Two sailboat sculptures, because he loved wooden sailboats, one for his birthday, one for Christmas.  A couple of hats, a mermaid mobile.  And a handpainted small curio box, nautical motif, decorated with shells and a sharks tooth (because he was a fisherman once). An inner child crystal.  A small compass that hung on a chain and really worked, and a pendant on a chain with his astrological sign on it. One of the myriad times we broke up he took them all and put them in a box.  Where they remained, the last time I was at his house. The crystal he threw into a river near his home.

It made me kind of sad, that he took the things down.  The two sailboat sculptures were really pretty.  I am half expecting him to send them back to me.  I hope he doesn’t, I don’t know what I’d do with any of it.  It was all for him.  The things I threw away were lingerie, a candle ( I didn’t really like the scent).  They were all too personal and to intimate to keep around when he wasn’t.  If I had them now, I’d probably throw them out.

Remnants of a bad relationship.  But on their own, they stand alone, all of them.  They were lovely and given with real true affection.  Too bad it couldn’t last, but it’s reality, it couldn’t.  I kind of wonder, if he keeps them in the box, hidden away, and years from now opens the box and finds them, will he remember me with a smile, with anger?  Will he look at it as a treasure chest of things he’d forgotten, or will he throw them out as a bad memory?  I guess I’ll never know.  Just idle thoughts on the warm night of the 2nd day.

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Crack the Door, Crack the Mirror. Spread a LIttle Light.

I have heard it said, from so many great spiritual teachers, that when we rage at someone, we are only raging at ourselves. That we see in the other person, that which we dislike about ourselves. Or that which we fear in ourselves.

I have done this myself. Gotten so angry at someone, because I read into their words something they didn’t mean to say. I have answered questions that weren’t asked, and not answered the one that was, because I projected, based on my own demons or ego, what I thought they really wanted to know.

And people have done that to me. They have taken my good intentions and twisted them into something ugly. They have inserted their own guilt, or fear, into what I say to make it mean something hurtful to them. And raged at me for it

Generally speaking, when one person rages at another, I am pretty sure it usually ends up with two egos battling, and two people angry with each other. A ruptured relationship. I am guilty of this, as I have defended myself against the untrue projections. And people have defended themselves to me, against my false accusations.

Imagine, for example, you offer your help to someone who asks, but at the same time, lay down boundaries which are necessary for you to maintain your equilibrium. The person, who had other ideas about the form your help would take, becomes angry at your boundaries, and interprets them as being put there to hurt them. While in reality, they are put there for your own safety, so you can continue on with your life while helping them.

This happened to me…..which obviously I am trying to work out by writing this essay.

It got ugly….there are more details in my last blog. But the fact is, 4 or 5 days later, I am still concerned about this person. I blocked him on my phone, on my email. Because of the ugliness. But I began to worry, about the ordeal he faces, and just wanted to know he was ok, with what he had to do, with the arrangements he made. I didn’t want to start up with him again, or even have a conversation. But I could not sleep wondering if he was ok, and knowing that I’d cut off all access to reach me.

So what is that? It’s unconditional love. This person has hurt me, but I see now that he has hurt himself more, that he lost much more than me from his actions. I forgive him, and move on. Because I know that holding onto pain and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die. It’s a lesson I learned well going through an ugly, contentious, 4 year divorce. In order for me to move on, I had to forgive my ex for all the ills he had attempted to do to me. Because holding on to the hate, pain and anger, gave my ex control still. I knew he didn’t know better, I knew that it was his own fear, and feelings of inadequacy that caused him to do those things. And I also learned that our thoughts become things. All the ills he wished on me, were what manifested for him. It is sad, just sad, to see this happen to someone you loved.

So it is the same now. I see that this man believes he is not worthy of unconditional love. He believes he is being punished by forces greater than himself. He lashes out, because he listens to the voice he thinks is protecting him, when in fact it is the voice that is leading him to harm. It leads him to being alone, thinking he needs no one. That he is separate from the whole. When in reality, we are all one thing, and need each other.

Now that the anger has subsided over the projections, and nastiness, and I have allowed my spirit to once again take over, and feel the unconditional love for him that I try to extend where ever I go….I feel for him. I feel for his inner child, I see his soul and the struggle it has to be heard, to be allowed to shine, to remove the layers of darkness that lie over it. Last night I could not sleep, because I knew I had shut a door that needed to be cracked open. It actually made my stomach hurt.

During my divorce, in the early days, my son was living with my abusive and controlling ex. My ex conspired with my son, all kinds of things that hurt me, one of which was to cut off my ability to communicate with my son. I used to go knock on the door of my old house, the place I’d lived for 30 years, and just beg my son to come out and hug me. Because I knew, somehow through the grace of God, that my son needed to know I was still standing no matter what he did to me. That I still loved him unconditionally just because he existed. Eventually, he understood, and walked away from his abusive and controlling father to my door, with the clothes on his back. Because he knew.

It was then, that I learned the overwhelming power of unconditional love.

So, I sent this man a text after unblocking him, and told him I just need to know if he’s ok. I think I wanted him to know that I still care…that no matter what he throws at me, I will still be standing. I don’t want to be his lover, but I want him to know that I can live what I preach, that I can walk the walk at the end of the day. I also want to know that for myself.

Unconditional love means just that…it’s unconditional. We cannot pick and choose those we love. We have to love everyone. Probably especially those our egos feel least deserve it.

So….my intention was not to be a mirror to him. But I know I was, we are all mirrors for each other, whether intentionally or not. It’s the way it works. I know he didn’t like what he saw, and that his ego took over and projected all his fear onto me, and my motives. And I know he hurts, he knows somewhere that he read me wrong. A little bit at a time, I hope he can begin to believe that he is worthy of love, and….that he doesn’t have to earn it. That it is his because he exists.

Living like water means that we find a way to get back to source. So that’s what I’ve done. I have found a way to get back to source and extend love where it is needed. I know that most people would not understand. But this morning, my soul feels free, I am satisfied that I did the right thing, cracking open that door for a little light to shine through.  A Course in Miracles says that a miracle is a change in perception from fear to love. I hope I have helped to start that process.   I hope I cracked his mirror a little too. Cracked the door, cracked the mirror. Spread a little light where it was needed.

Living Through Fear

Ok, I had a quasi-relationship with someone for a few months. It wasn’t a love relationship, and it wasn’t really a friendship. It was something else, a connection, really undefineable. It started out as one thing, then ran into a wall, morphed into something else, and then, finally, kind of blew up in a fit of ego vs. truth. It was weird.

But dang, it’s just come to me how strange it can be to see all evidence of that person’s involvement in your life disappear. Comments, “likes” on posts, pictures, texts, emails, all kinds of interactions just disappear. Now…I didn’t really do much of that. I don’t really care that much whether or not I have an interaction with this person, but he has made it a point to make sure there is no sign of me.

Blocked my phone, my email, unfriended me, unliked my FB page. Whatever. I dislike doing that stuff, if a person isn’t bothering me, I just don’t do it. It’s part of my life, why try and delete it?

Well,I suppose that if a person’s MO is to run. To hide. To retreat. To bring the walls around him in, so that no one else can get in, it seems like a good idea. He might almost be able to convince himself that I never existed in his life, that I never taught him anything, that he gained nothing from it, and that all the stuff he projected onto me, all the kindnesses I extended to a seriously messed up person, were actually done with an ulterior motive to get something from him. Even tho I have more that he has, and not just material things. I have a life that I love, a job that I like, a beautiful home, a great kid, a loving family, a warm loving circle of friends. He has a sad story, and that’s about it. He can’t drive, having lost his license for 5 years. He has a home, which is paid for lucky for him. He can’t work, because he can’t drive, he has a few friends, a function of having grown up in the town he lives in. But nothing that would be a motive for me to do kind things in the hope of getting some of it.

Fear. I gotta say, fear. I have known two men who make every decision in their lives based on fear. Never on love. I gotta feel for both of them. So, while he decides that the reason I took him to an art museum was because I wanted something from him, undefined, I really just have to feel sorry for him, that he is unable to accept human kindness, and that usually comes from a place of not believing he deserves it.  He thinks it’s his gut talking.  But any time we come from a place of fear, you know it’s the ego.  My ex also didn’t believe he deserved it. He also believed every kindness was a manipulation.  He also lives his life from that place of fear, from his ego.

Whatever. If deleting, and running, and pretending that I was never there helps him get through the day, so be it. He won’t see a sign of me. But…I gotta wonder how he’s gonna delete the memories of the truth from his mind. Because you know….That shit that you bury, doesn’t die. It just festers, and rots and makes you sick. So much easier to view the world through the eyes of love, isn’t it?

He is an artist, he paints.  He had given me a painting, on the first night we met.  I loved it.  I had pointed it out as my favorite of the dozens of paintings in his house. Yesterday, I sent it back to him.  I could not have it hanging on my walls, much as I liked it, to remind me of all the accusations he lay on me because he just couldn’t accept kindness as kindness.  Bad energy, even from something beautiful. Because he had to project onto me all the fearful thoughts he has about himself.  I put a note with it, telling him I hope he finds someone to give it to that he can trust enough to accept their kindness.

I am not angry with him.  And, I am out of his life, at least as far as anyone can see.  The electronics age is so easy, put the button and delete.  Now, if he can just find a way to delete the memories, the truth that is embedded in them, he’ll be ok……

Gifts from the Universe?

Ideas for a blog have been bombarding me for a few days now. But usually they hit me when I’m driving to or from work, can’t write them down, can’t even make a voice memo on my phone because I’d have to navigate through the phone to find the app. So I’m trying to remember them now.

The other night, I was driving home at about 7:30, and the sun was setting, the sky had wispy pink clouds and was a bluish gray color. It was pretty enough, I mean, really beautiful, but then, the pink clouds thinned a little and there was a wee baby moon just a tiny slice of the moon hanging there in the clouds, just slightly fuzzy from the thin clouds in front of it. Very surreal. If I hadn’t been driving I’d have tried to take a picture.

Things like that are just such a gift. They make me glad I’m alive. This morning, when I went to work, it was very foggy, and the fog was burning off. So, when I left the house at about 8 AM, the fog was bright, (as opposed to the gray when it’s not burning off). As I continued to drive, the fog burned off above me, but it lay on the tree tops, on the hills. Softening the morning world. Then I went over a hill, the biggest hill between my house and work, at the top of the hill, the sky was blue, the clouds white and puffy. It was just a beautiful morning. I was grateful to be alive in it.

Small every day things. It was almost 100° today. Like one more blast of summer. I went to the cove for lunch. It’s a cove on the CT river. To get there you drive down an old main street that is lined with homes that are 200 and even 300 years old, wide lawns and at the end of the street is the cove, where the sea captains who originally lived in those houses, used to anchor their ships when they were home from the sea. I pull up right to the water, so that it feels like I am in the water when I look out over the hood of my car. There is no shade there. I just opened the window and let the hot breeze come in my car as I ate my yogurt, with fresh pineapple and mango, read a little, watched the seagulls, and the couple of boaters who were out, and then closed my eyes for a short mid-day meditation.

So grateful to have that place close enough to work so I can go there for lunch. So grateful to have one last day where it was hot, hot and humid, summer. Did I mention I love summer?

So that was one of the ideas for a journal, or a blog, that was rolling around in my head. Just the gratitude I feel for living in such a beautiful world.

The other one is Syria. Yesterday at work I read a news article reporting on Putin’s proposal. And how Obama was going to hold off on the Congressional vote to strike Syria.

All I could think of was, so many people have been praying that somehow the weapons are stopped from flying. So much energy has been sent to the people of Syria and to the universe to somehow stop this action that seemed destined to happen. I got an email from my Reiki teacher that she was passing along to her students from William Rand, the father of Reiki, asking all Reiki practitioners to send Reiki to the Syrian people, the leaders there and here. Lots of energy being directed at that situation, with the intention of peace.

And here a proposal to keep the bombs from flying came, from Russia, from Putin, the last place I would have expected it. I could only keep thinking, the Universe is working in OUR behalf.

It made me think that the “shift” that we keep hearing about (at least among those of us who work with energy and spirituality) is really taking place. That maybe enough people sent enough positive energy, enough prayers, to stop this from happening,  causing the universe to work in ways we’d never expect to bring about the ideas that might stop the bombs from flying. We don’t know for sure, yet. It has to play out. But the momentum has slowed for the rockets to fly. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if, as I read later, Obama might have been orchestrating this, if Putin is just trying to set Syria up, there are so many things people can and will and do say to explain this, to try to find fault with it, but the thing is…Congress didn’t vote today. We know we have at least a few more days of peace, a few more than we thought we had. We know that the people of Syria have a few more days.

Dare we think that perhaps the world as a whole really is shifting, that the balance is beginning to lean in the way of love? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just look for good in places where it’s not. Maybe I oversimplify things. Maybe I’m naïve.

After the Boston bombings, I read on FB a sign that said, “There will always be more of us than there are of you.” If you believe in the Law of Attraction, if you believe that what you think about expands, if you believe that we can create the kind of world that we want to live in, then it’s not impossible that this proposal is a sign that the world is re-ordering itself, based on the kind of world that we are collectively thinking about living in.

It’s happened to me personally, so many times that I now expect that what I think about, with sincere intention, will happen. As a good friend says, when you get good at it, you have to duck when you say shit. And if there are more of us, thinking about a world based in love and compassion, and not fear, and greed and hate and anger, not ego , but spirit and soul, then maybe. Just maybe….we are beginning to manifest a different world.

Time will tell. Maybe it’s an anomaly, and bombers will fly by the weekend, and the path of death and destruction will be front and center again. Maybe, and maybe not.

But it’s important the we recognize miracles when they happen. So, I’m going to lend my energy to the thought that a miracle is unfolding before us.