Morning Stars and Hurricanes

Hard time waking up this morning.  I was in such a deep sleep.  I don’t use an alarm, and woke at my regular time, around 5:15 AM, or 5:30, but I kept dozing off for minutes, again, and I slept well, and 7 hours.  It’s as if the many nights I have slept badly are all trying to get undone.  There was a text from S, about 10 minutes after I shut off the light next to my bed, that I didn’t even hear the alert for.  Dead to the world.

When I finally crawled out of bed, shaking the cobwebs from my head, and wandered into the kitchen, it was very dark, darker than normal, because it’s a rainy dank week, and very cloudy.  But the skies must have cleared for a moment in just the spot where the last morning star this time of year shines.  I looked out my kitchen window, as I made coffee and saw it shining, like a beacon, like a gift.  One beautiful star…..It was gone again moments later,covered over again by clouds.

A little gift from the universe.  As was finding the text from S when I woke up.  As are a lot of things I often don’t bother to be grateful for.

We’re supposed to get Hurricane Joaquin Sunday night and Monday.  It’s now a Cat 3 storm.  Not likely at all that it will miss us completely.  This weekend will be storm preparations, even today, I’m going to go to the store and stock up on water, and foods that I can prepare in advance of having no power for a few days.  I live about 30 or 40 miles from the coast as the crow flies.  It wont be the worst, but we’ll feel it.  Last tropical storm we had 4 years ago we lost power for 3 days, and that was a short time, many were out a week or more.  UGH.

I’ll keep in mind the morning star….and know that it’s there under the clouds.  And will return, when the storm is over.

Wish I Could Stay

I did my morning meditation as the sun broke through clouds

left over from yesterdays rain.

I sat in peace, quieted my mind

Of all the things I have to do today,

and want to have happen today,

And just let myself be.

When the meditation was over,

And I came back to this physical world

And opened my eyes,

I saw the lush green woods bordering my back yard.

I saw the sun in a hazy blue sky streaked with gray clouds.

I felt a cool early morning breeze across my shoulders,

Fills my head with the peaceful scent of the lavender from my herb garden.

All I felt was love

And gratitude.

Be here now,

The sages urge.

This morning,

I am here now.

And it’s a lovely place to be.

Would that I could figure out

How to stay here.

A Small Glimpse

The heat from the sun transported me today,

From my deck outside to somewhere past

the tiniest of stars that might be visible in the evening,

as I listened to the quiet soothing music

of waves curling and exploding and receding along the shore

in some eternal, inexplicable rhythm,

in some remote, exotic place.

The sky became purple,

with glittering golden clouds,

flashing brilliant colors

not known to my small human psyche.

As I fell asleep, content,

knowing that somewhere in the universe,

This exists.

Now, the summer wind cools my flesh,

And my heart

To a peaceful reality of this time and place.

I smile at the universe who has carefully

given me everything I need,

and the smallest of glimpses into eternity.

Thoughts on a Summer Morning

If it doesn't open

I had plans to go to the ocean today.  I was going to go very early, and watch the water world awaken.  I even had my bag packed with a towel, sunscreen and a book.  I was going by myself, to renew my spirit after last week.

But my body had different ideas.  I woke in the night with a terrible stomach ache, and it took me some time to get back to sleep.  I ended up sleeping past the time I had wanted to be sitting at the water’s edge, on this blue blue morning.  Now if I go, I will sit in traffic, there will be a line to get in, and the beach will be crowded. So I stayed home.  Another day, another time.

I had planned to be there at about 7:30, and come home around noon.  Because I have a lot to do at home since I will be gone next weekend, to visit an old and treasured friend in the Adirondack’s of NY.  She and I have been friends since we were 12.  We grew up in the midwest, it is a blessing to have an old close friend 4 hours away.

I feel peaceful this morning.  Full of gratitude on this lovely perfect summer morning.  Sitting on my deck, overlooking the trees that border my yard, smelling the lavender that grows at the bottom of the few steps to my deck.  There is peace here.

There is no more angst or anger over S.  The whole relationship is receding, quickly.  It hasn’t been there, in reality, in months, so I’m finding it slides away easily, after the first 12 hours.  It was a dream I had, and now I have a new one.  It’s as simple as that.  I’ve had lots of dreams in my life, some worked out, some didn’t.  The ones that did renewed my faith, the ones that didn’t taught me a lesson, so that when I choose a new dream, I am smarter, wiser. I saw the poster at the top of this blog on FB today, and thought, yes, I should have stopped trying to open that door a long time ago.  As should he.have.

I have to say he was honest, though.  He wrote the poem below a few weeks ago.  Even though he was still trying to have sex with me.  His world is different from mine.  That kind of thing happens between friends, or even strangers,  in his world, when there is nothing else going on.  For me, it is a celebration of connection, I could never lower it to a status of a physical need, fulfilled by anyone who was willing.  His honest assessment of where we were weeks ago was that we were like night and day, and would never be together.  I find that so sad, and empty.  Not the way I want to live my life.  But apparently, he is content this way.  By himself, invulnerable to pain, but also to joy.  To me not to feel would be the saddest thing.  If I hurt, thank God I am capable of hurting, of loving, of desiring.  Any other way of living is like being dead already.  Death will come soon enough.

Lucky 7’S

S and I are over, as best I can tell, as I talked about in the last blog, The End of the Line.  But something is kind of bothering me, and that is this.  Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows why it ended.  I made it very clear how different we are, in relationship expectations, life style, etc.

I don’t think I ever explained, at least not well enough, why I loved, still love, this man so much. In all fairness to him, he deserves some good press.  He’s not a monster, he’s a very cool guy but what he wants is just way different from what I want. So here goes a list of why S is lovable.  At least, that’s my perception, even though he keeps telling me I shouldn’t assume I know what he wants.

1.  He made me laugh. All the time when we were together.  His sense of humor is quirky, off beat, and spontaneous.  For example, we were out for breakfast one morning.  He noticed the woman in the booth in front of us had her ear peeled  to every word we said, and kind of seemed like she was trying to figure out our relationship. One of the waitresses said something to me about my husband. He said immediately, loud enough for everyone to hear, “I’m not her husband!!  I’m just her lover!!!  Her husband is at home asleep!!”  The woman in front of us must have spit her coffee across the table she laughed so hard. As did I…

One morning he woke me up blasting the Black Eyed Peas, playing air guitar and dancing in his birthday suit.

Most of his humor is just running commentary which comes from his unique and unusual way of looking at the world. It’s never mean. Sometimes it takes me a minute, so it also makes me think. Which is good (or dangerous, according to S.)

2.  He is a wonderful story teller. This is something I really love, and cannot do, unless writing it. And  my God, does he have the stories. I have never known anyone who has lived in so many diverse places, and communities, nor had so many varied, unusual, amazing and often funny experiences. I loved to sit on my deck or in his recliner and listen to his stories. Yet, he is one of the most low-keyed quiet men I’ve ever known.

3. He’s smart. Really smart. He takes his time figuring out how to solve a problem. Pragmatic. Doesn’t get all aggravated (at least not for awhile, lol). He uses his intuition a lot in problem solving. It’s a wonderful thing to see.  He’s very creative. My experience with other men and problems they had to solve was, I’ll just say, different.

4. He reads, a lot. He loaned me a book which I absolutely love. My ex did not read. It was wonderful to be able to discuss books with a man.

5. He took me on the best day trips. He understood my love of the ocean and anything water (and shared it) and took me to some really beautiful hidden away places. And others not so hidden away where he had stories to tell.

6. I love his blue eyes (as anyone who reads my blog knows) and his thick curly salt and pepper hair.

7.  I loved making love to him. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Lucky 7.  Makes me wish things had turned out different. But it wasn’t meant to be. I have some great memories, I hope he feels the same.

And no, I will not give anyone his phone number….

In the Flow

Switched from red wine to rum tonight.  Feeling pretty good.  I got an answer, the only answer I needed.  So, I could let go, knowing there was no eminent danger.  He can do his thing, and I can do mine.  As it should be.

I believe in unconditional love.  It means you don’t get to pick and choose who you love, you don’t get to judge whether or not they are worthy.  You just have to love everyone.  Or it’s not unconditional.

There are people who never experience that.  They live their lives not believing they are worthy of love. They believe that without a bunch of extraneous stuff, they have no value.  My ex was one of these people. I am sure that because he believed he had no intrinsic value, he believed that anyone who loved him must be stupid.  Or trying to get something from him. And so he vacillated between treating me like I was stupid, or as if I was trying to take him for something.  And all I wanted was for him to love me.

I get it now.  He couldn’t.  Poor guy.  He tried, I think he really tried.  But that little voice in his head was too loud, too strong.  “Don’t love her, she will hurt you.”

I’ve seen unconditional love in action.  I’ve seen it save people, once they realized they had value just because they existed.  And so… I love S, unconditionally.  Not to be mistaken for romantic love.  But I love him.  I love my ex.  I wish all good things for them.  I believe completely that they are good men at their center

In the meantime, I have decided not to talk to my ex about our son.  But maybe talk to him, just tell him a little of my plans, find out about his.  See how he is.  To talk to him about our son is not my business.  It’s my son’s business and my ex’s.  So I’ll stay out of it.  That has been my stance all along.  Recently I have been worried about my son having family nearby when I move.  But he’ll have his family of friends, and me at the end of the phone, which is basically how we communicate now.  He will be fine, and if he wants a relationship with his father, he can open that door himself.

Feeling good tonight.  Better than I’ve felt all week. The flow went where I didn’t expect it to, but suddenly it’s all quite clear to me, and it’s all ok.

I ordered new carpet on order for my family room, I scheduled a measuring of my room.  I cleaned my son’s bathroom.  Because waiting for him to do it will mean waiting forever.  Literally.  Got my hair cut and highlighted.  Grocery shopped.  The day was gray, but in the middle of the day,I realized it was gray still, but was also green.  As in the color of life, every tree and shrub and bit of foliage is so green this time of year.  Green, as in the color of the heart chakra….Green.



In the stillness of the early morning

In the cool rays of a rising sun

The echoes of the crickets not yet stopped their chirping

There is peace.

In the expansiveness of a quiet mind

In the depth of a waking soul

In the beauty seen with eyes closed

There is peace.

In the hope of worlds unspoken

In the joy of dreams unseen

In the love that is unconditional

There is peace.

Islands in my Dreams, A Little Tease from the Universe

I was on a dating site last night. I don’t know how else to meet men my age. There are scammers, and crazies, but every once in a while there is someone real. I think I was on the site, just to take my mind off of the ugly way in which the relationship with S ended. And end it did. I am relieved, glad, happy not to hear from him again. Glad to feel free to move on, with no left over emotions, no regrets, but with real recognition that it was a toxic relationship for me.

But I digress.

I was on the quickmatch thing, where you see a person’s pictures and profile, and click yes or no. Generally, this site gives me a few that are geographically acceptable and a lot that are over 100 miles away. A little too far to say, catch a movie at the last minute. I don’t understand why they show me those profiles, when my parameters are set to 50 miles from my home. (As a friend says, they are GUD – geographically undesirable, lol.) This site also rates their compatibility by percentage, based on your and their answers to what could be 100’s of questions.

But whatever. Last night I was just kind of future tripping, sitting in front of the TV, while it snowed yet again here in CT. It was just fun, reading profiles, checking out answers, etc. Just getting back into the dating mood.

Then, like a joke, it showed me two men back to back, that were perfect. 94% and 98% compatibility. Both were creative types, grounded, laid back, happy. And why shouldn’t they be. 94% lived in Vineyard Haven on Martha’s Vineyard. It’s one of my favorite places.

I should interject here, that I used to cruise the New England coast with my ex in our 41′ boat. The Vineyard was a regular destination each summer. It’s just beautiful. I have a print of Menemsha, a fishing village on the Vineyard, on my family room wall, beside one of New London Harbor which is my home port.

Needless to say, I stopped on that profile. Now…the Vineyard is a good 4 hours from here, by car and ferry. Absolutely not a possibility for a relationship in reality. But I did a bit of daydreaming about this man and being on the Vineyard with him. One of my best friends husbands grew up on the Vineyard, (he is also a close friend) and one year we met them up there, and they drove us around the island, to Gay Head, Menemsha, other beautiful spots.

He was definitely my type. Nice looking, laid back, creative, a warm smile. Looked quite capable of loving a woman. I sent him a message and told him I wished the Vineyard was closer, and that I was sure he was going to make some woman quite happy.

Then I sadly clicked no….

The next match popped up and it was the 98% match.  Another creative laid back type, and he lived in Siasconset, on Nantucket. If there is anywhere I love more than the Vineyard, it’s Nantucket. At first I was like, WTF, dating site?? Why are you teasing me with these profiles, so perfect and so far away. But I did a little remembering and daydreaming again.

Nantucket was another place we visited fairly regularly in the boat. The village of Nantucket is quaint, with cobblestone streets and gas lamps. One year when we went we rented a jeep and drove all over the island, to the villages of Madaket, Surfside, Miacomet and Siasconset, which is better known as ‘Sconset. Sconset is where Ahab’s wife lived, in Sena Jeter Naslund’s book “Ahab’s Wife”, my all-time favorite book. Probably my favorite because a lot of it takes place there. ‘Sconset looks east, to the vast Atlantic. It’s like another world. I sent 98% a message similar to the one I sent 94%, how lucky he was to live there, and I hoped he found a wonderful woman to share his life with.

I don’t know why I sent the messages, but it was lovely to have a small daydream about some of my favorite places on earth. I call them “places of my dreams”. I hunger to go back there some day. To be out in the middle of the ocean, on solid ground, and breathe the salt air, feel the sea breezes. God, I miss it.

Sigh. Back in reality, here in CT, sitting comfortably cozy while another snowstorm makes it’s mark, I was happy. Just to be reminded that there is beauty out there, waiting for me.

The universe was teasing me, for sure. Teasing me into remembering all the possibilities, as ugly memories fade away into oblivion. I am grateful.

Gifts from the Universe?

Ideas for a blog have been bombarding me for a few days now. But usually they hit me when I’m driving to or from work, can’t write them down, can’t even make a voice memo on my phone because I’d have to navigate through the phone to find the app. So I’m trying to remember them now.

The other night, I was driving home at about 7:30, and the sun was setting, the sky had wispy pink clouds and was a bluish gray color. It was pretty enough, I mean, really beautiful, but then, the pink clouds thinned a little and there was a wee baby moon just a tiny slice of the moon hanging there in the clouds, just slightly fuzzy from the thin clouds in front of it. Very surreal. If I hadn’t been driving I’d have tried to take a picture.

Things like that are just such a gift. They make me glad I’m alive. This morning, when I went to work, it was very foggy, and the fog was burning off. So, when I left the house at about 8 AM, the fog was bright, (as opposed to the gray when it’s not burning off). As I continued to drive, the fog burned off above me, but it lay on the tree tops, on the hills. Softening the morning world. Then I went over a hill, the biggest hill between my house and work, at the top of the hill, the sky was blue, the clouds white and puffy. It was just a beautiful morning. I was grateful to be alive in it.

Small every day things. It was almost 100° today. Like one more blast of summer. I went to the cove for lunch. It’s a cove on the CT river. To get there you drive down an old main street that is lined with homes that are 200 and even 300 years old, wide lawns and at the end of the street is the cove, where the sea captains who originally lived in those houses, used to anchor their ships when they were home from the sea. I pull up right to the water, so that it feels like I am in the water when I look out over the hood of my car. There is no shade there. I just opened the window and let the hot breeze come in my car as I ate my yogurt, with fresh pineapple and mango, read a little, watched the seagulls, and the couple of boaters who were out, and then closed my eyes for a short mid-day meditation.

So grateful to have that place close enough to work so I can go there for lunch. So grateful to have one last day where it was hot, hot and humid, summer. Did I mention I love summer?

So that was one of the ideas for a journal, or a blog, that was rolling around in my head. Just the gratitude I feel for living in such a beautiful world.

The other one is Syria. Yesterday at work I read a news article reporting on Putin’s proposal. And how Obama was going to hold off on the Congressional vote to strike Syria.

All I could think of was, so many people have been praying that somehow the weapons are stopped from flying. So much energy has been sent to the people of Syria and to the universe to somehow stop this action that seemed destined to happen. I got an email from my Reiki teacher that she was passing along to her students from William Rand, the father of Reiki, asking all Reiki practitioners to send Reiki to the Syrian people, the leaders there and here. Lots of energy being directed at that situation, with the intention of peace.

And here a proposal to keep the bombs from flying came, from Russia, from Putin, the last place I would have expected it. I could only keep thinking, the Universe is working in OUR behalf.

It made me think that the “shift” that we keep hearing about (at least among those of us who work with energy and spirituality) is really taking place. That maybe enough people sent enough positive energy, enough prayers, to stop this from happening,  causing the universe to work in ways we’d never expect to bring about the ideas that might stop the bombs from flying. We don’t know for sure, yet. It has to play out. But the momentum has slowed for the rockets to fly. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if, as I read later, Obama might have been orchestrating this, if Putin is just trying to set Syria up, there are so many things people can and will and do say to explain this, to try to find fault with it, but the thing is…Congress didn’t vote today. We know we have at least a few more days of peace, a few more than we thought we had. We know that the people of Syria have a few more days.

Dare we think that perhaps the world as a whole really is shifting, that the balance is beginning to lean in the way of love? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just look for good in places where it’s not. Maybe I oversimplify things. Maybe I’m naïve.

After the Boston bombings, I read on FB a sign that said, “There will always be more of us than there are of you.” If you believe in the Law of Attraction, if you believe that what you think about expands, if you believe that we can create the kind of world that we want to live in, then it’s not impossible that this proposal is a sign that the world is re-ordering itself, based on the kind of world that we are collectively thinking about living in.

It’s happened to me personally, so many times that I now expect that what I think about, with sincere intention, will happen. As a good friend says, when you get good at it, you have to duck when you say shit. And if there are more of us, thinking about a world based in love and compassion, and not fear, and greed and hate and anger, not ego , but spirit and soul, then maybe. Just maybe….we are beginning to manifest a different world.

Time will tell. Maybe it’s an anomaly, and bombers will fly by the weekend, and the path of death and destruction will be front and center again. Maybe, and maybe not.

But it’s important the we recognize miracles when they happen. So, I’m going to lend my energy to the thought that a miracle is unfolding before us.