Category Archives: Avalon

Looking For A Little Balance

Posted on by learning to live like water

There was some funny stuff on FB this morning. There was a video taken by a guy who tied a bike to a string and waited for people to steal it. When they did and got about 50 feet away, down a steep hill, the string ran out and they went flying off the bike. Ok, it looked painful. So that wasn’t funny. Maybe their necks got broken because they stole a bike. I guess that’s not so funny……

There was a meme, it said, “What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired…..” Yes, I can laugh at that because I am. Retired. Yesterday, Monday, I walked at the beach, I bought a piece of old driftwood for my friend to make a sign on to put by my front door. The sign will say “Avalon”. I then went to the Veterans Art Center and picked up my friend and we went for a pizza buffet. It was 87° and sunny. Summer weather. Yep, I was happy.

I think that was it. Most of my feed on FB totally disturbs me. Like, the EPA’s plan to allow the unrestricted dumping of fracking waste water into the Gulf of Mexico. WHAT? Did you see the pics I put up of the beautiful Gulf the other day, shades of turquoise and white sandy beaches? Imagine it, full of fracking waste water. Nice brownish gray, the beaches the same color, at least to the high tide line. And dead fish and other sea life making that tide line.

Then there was our Tweeter-in-chief saying “We need to start winning wars again.” I can’t even possibly go to that mindset. I thought we needed to continue trying to eliminate war, through caring, educating, feeding, helping, loving our fellow man. God I’m such a Pollyanna. Now we have a president who wants to win wars, not stop them. And he has a band of monkeys in Congress who will follow him into hell.

Then there is an article, on Rachel Maddow’s page, exposing Paul Ryan’s with a forked tongue, trying to back up the Orange One at the same time trying to distance himself. Knowing, I’m sure, that at some point the whole thing is going to crash in on him, and he wants to be able to prove his deniability. He really is a snake. A disgusting one. He should be leading the charge to make tRump accountable, he’s the frigging Speaker of the House. Instead he’s slithering on his belly.

There is Tweeter-in-chief telling the EPA that they have to determine if the Obama directives for the environment hurt the economy. Because you know, the economy is a tangible thing. And what the outcome to our earth doesn’t matter, because he’s 70 and will be dead by the time the outcome manifests.

There’s an article about how esteemed psychologists and psychiatrists are evaluating tRumps mental state, his fitness to hold office. And another one where a group of esteemed lawyers are trying to get KellyAnne Conway disbarred for all the lies she’s told. That stuff is I guess, half way funny, except that it’s all true, the president is unstable to the max and wants to win wars, and has his hand on the nuclear codes. And her…well she’s just a fly in the ointment, but deserves to be held accountable for making stuff up to the country. Like, the Bowling Green Massacre..

Ok….there was some other funny stuff. A kangaroo frolicking in the waves on an idyllic beach in Australia. There was a dog who talks back to it’s master. There was a video of a little girl, telling her father that she told the teacher that there was lots of weed at their house. Weed, she showed him, like in the grass. She was adorable.

I need the funny stuff, to balance out the incredibly awful stuff that is going on in this country at the moment. I don’t watch the news much, because it’s basically all there is, is bad news about the path this narcissistic psychopath has taken us on. Sometimes I don’t want to know anymore about it. Just that my level gets “full” and I can’t wrap my head around any more of it. I’m showing my age, by my inability to deal with this shit.

How did so many people get to so much power that are so fucking nuts? We elected them. We didn’t pay any attention to the gerrymandering of districts in swing states. Half of us didn’t give a shit enough to even vote. As if inaction removes one from accountability when a psychopath pushes the wrong button. All my life, at least as an adult, I’ve been preaching that inaction is also an action. So, the folks that didn’t vote allowed this to go on, by their indifference to the fact that it would. Just like Paul Ryan and all of his cronies inaction in regard to stopping this madness won’t save their jobs when the thing implodes.

Well, I’m done with it today. I have done my part, raised my voice, tried to be heard. My mind just can’t accommodate dealing with any more of this for awhile. I’m going do my morning meditation, to go get a back massage for the damaged disks in my neck and back, and take a walk by the water. My shed is almost finished, so I may be able to move some of this stuff out of my house by the end of the day, stuff that belongs in the shed. Listen to some music. Talk to people I love. Who knows, maybe work on my taxes. Try to remember that the world is still a beautiful place, the Orange one has not changed that yet.

Love and light, all.

Singing the Song for 2017

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s New Year’s Eve. Time to reflect, to look forward, to enjoy the moment.

Reflecting….. Last year was a year of huge change for me. Never before have I had so many big changes in my life. Losing my mother. Retiring from a lifetime of work. Moving to Florida, to a completely different way of life. Moving my son away from me to Colorado. Ending a love affair that stopped bringing me pleasure a long time ago, and only brought me pain. And even so, it was a struggle to let go. But let go I finally have, completely.

All these changes were good. Every one of them. Even though I miss my son so much. I know he’s doing well, and happy, and making his own way. Thank God for cell phones, we talk every day. There are new people in my life, new friends, the budding of new relationships that bring a smile to my face.

I don’t deal with winter any more. That is such a blessing to me. I so hated being cold from the middle of October until the middle of April. Dressing in 4 or 5 layers, and still being cold. I hated dealing with snow, and the last few years we had mega amounts of snow up there, with only a few exceptional years. I hated driving in it, keeping the driveway clear and the walk ways, and being housebound.

Now…..when it gets cold here, it’s in the 50’s. And so far, for not more than 2 days, til the temperature creeps back up to the 70’s or 80’s. I can walk every day along the beach. I can see the ocean every day. The water here on the Gulf coast is warm, and calm, and soothing. Usually I am dressed in one layer, and more often than not, it’s shorts, or skorts (the skirts with shorts under them).

To be able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis is such a blessing. We are becoming so close. It has eased the pain of losing our mother last year. We joke all the time about how we channel her for each other. She and I have not lived close to one another since we moved out of the house around age 20. I’m going back there today, invited to her neighbor’s New Year’s Eve party which promises to be a blast, and it’s right across the street!. No driving with the drunks….

The future is looking bright. There is a possibility of a budding relationship. It is moving slowly, at a speed which, while sometimes frustrating for me, is a good thing really. I’m sitting back and let the universe drive the train. It’s fun to feel that way again, and actually have it reciprocated.

Financially I feel secure. Avalon, my home, my place of new beginnings, is coming along. All the big work is now completed. There are some jobs like tree-trimming, putting up a shed, landscaping that need to be done, but they will be done over the next few months.

Mostly, I have given up worry over things I cannot control. I have come to believe that the Universe has a grand design, which we cannot possibly understand in human terms, and that all will work out for the highest good of all. It’s not so much Pollyanna, it’s just that I agree with Marianne Williamson that the universe is self-organizing and self-correcting. It has been the way it’s worked for me, over and over again. I know that many people won’t agree with me, in fact, maybe most. It’s just the way it is from the perspective of my life. Not asking anyone else to believe it.

This year, I think I will try to do more giving back. There are a few things I’ve discovered here which I can get involved with that might make a difference in someone else’s life. I mean, I have such a happy life here. So free of drama and pain, so full of joy. I want to spread that around as much as I can.

Life is for living, for singing a joyful song. I’ve always known that, even though I’ve had a hard time singing so often. Through an abusive marriage, a failed love affair, a long period of terrible financial insecurity, I still always believed I could one day sing the song again.

I’m singing it now. It’s in my head, lol, I still don’t sing in front of people. But those close to me can hear the song. I guess this is why I trust that the universe is on it, organizing and correcting for the higher benefit of all. Because it’s taken me from terrible darkness, to the sunlight of Florida.

Love and light, everyone. Have a Happy New Year!

Really Settling In

Posted on by learning to live like water

Wow! Four nights of good sleep in a row, without any sleep aid. Last night was the best yet! 8 hours, with only one wake up for about a half hour. Awesome! So what is allowing me to sleep so well?

I think that I’ve let old things that caused me anxiety just go. I don’t wake up wondering about them any more, or even caring about them. New things, happy things, have come into my life, and when I wake up, I think of them and go back to sleep. I think I’m finally settling into my new life, and feeling comfortable here.  I am remembering that I named this house Avalon, a mystical place of new beginnings.  There was so much I wanted to let go of from my old life, and so much more I wanted to bring in with my new life.  It’s all happening.  I see that the journey from there to here was the way it was purposefully, bringing me to a much better, happier, fulfilling place.

For instance, tonight is open mic night. Both the friends I usually go with have been sick with bad colds, so I don’t know if either of them will go with me. But I am comfortable enough to go alone, because I know there will be people there that will be happy to include me. I have a circle of people here, and it’s a huge comfort to me, to have a base.

The big work on my house is mostly done now. I still have tree trimming and a shed to put up, but that’s not big stuff. No more workers in my house all day. I have to go curtain shopping for the windows now. The shades I bought will not work with the new windows, so I have to take them back and get something else. Right now my bedroom windows have tablecloths over them, and the living room has towels, lol. I’m going to re-install the blinds I had in the living room, they are fine for the living room. I had the same ones in my bedroom, but they let too much light in. I wanted the better shades I bought, but they won’t work. I think I’ll have to go for room darkening curtains. But that’s ok too. Whatever it takes.

When I was moving furniture yesterday away from the windows, the mirror on my dresser, big heavy mirror, fell off. Apparently the movers had stripped the holes where the screws went. So now I will need help getting it back up. I’m sure my handyman will help me with that. Thank God the mirror did not break. But it so aggravated me that the movers just left it like that.

I’m going to get going early this morning. To take back the shades, to look for curtains and a few other errands. I want to take a good long walk on the beach today. Tomorrow it’s going to get cold. Well, cold for here, lol. High of 60. By Sunday it will be back to 80, happily.

Lots of good things happening. I still pinch myself every day, I’m so amazed that I have this wonderful life here. Just so blessed, so lucky. When my sister and I were shopping, we were waiting in line to pay. She remarked that it was 3 PM. I said, “Oh good, we will have time to get into the hot tub for awhile and have a glass of wine before we go down to sunset.” Then I looked at her, hearing myself, and said, “It’s a rough life isn’t it? LOL.” She said “Thank you for reminding me…..” We both know how lucky we are.

Love and light, everyone.

Quiet Friday

Posted on by learning to live like water

Quiet day today. I drove out to another side of town, in search of a CVS. That was really just an excuse, I just wanted to go in the other direction, lol. I found the store, in the small town next to mine. Pretty little town, but more commercial, in a nice way. I also went to the post office to pick up the mail they’ve been holding. I had a letter from someone who wanted to buy my house. I guess that’s a good sign, but I just pitched it. Not selling for a LONG long while.

I came back, put some more stuff away. A new friend texted me, because she left something in my car last night. She came over to get it and the two of us went to the library in town, then off to get ice cream down on Beach Blvd, lol. How Florida does that sound?

She gave me a tour of the town, some things I hadn’t had a chance to see. We went to the Clam Bayou, which is a nature conservancy with all kinds of paths for walking an biking through it. It’s right on the water. She also took me over to the Boca Ciega Yacht Club, which is really just a club of boaters, that love boating and water. We were able to walk in, ask about their sailing lessons, just walk around it. Not fancy at all. Just people like me who love the water.

This town is about the same size, population size, as the small town I lived in in CT, 12,000. Yet it has all these wonderful things for the people who live there. Community theater, a big beautiful library, a wonderful senior center, a yacht club, artwalks, galleries. Tomorrow there’s something going on at a place called The Blueberry Patch, and there will be music, etc. There is always something to do. Always. I even found a center today that does sound healing and I’m going to call them and see what kind of sound healing. It could be gongs! That would be so awesome.

When my friend left, I noticed my ceiling fan was making a little noise. I shut it off, and got up on the ladder, to see if there was something loose. As it turned out, I could see the tail of one of those little lizards sticking out of it!!!!! I pulled the tail out and it broke off. I was completely grossed out. There was another little piece about a half inch long hanging out of the crack in the fan (I think it was a dried up leg) but I couldn’t find my needle nose pliers to pull it out. Poor little lizard got all the way to the fan and died…..Geez. I turned it back on and it’s not making noise now, so I suppose it was the tail whipping the blades as they spun.

I am starting to get less freaked out by the wildlife here. Giant bugs, lizards, fire ants….. I guess they are a fair trade for the balmy breezes, beautiful beaches, and lack of winter. I mean, I can’t be squeamish when I live alone.

My friend Pat, the painter, is going to start designing the sign to go outside my front door on my house that will say “Avalon”.  It really is the place of new beginnings, and healing. So happy the universe conspired in my behalf to land me here.

Life is good. Gonna look for a movie on TV tonight, after I eat dinner. All is well.

Love and light.

Slightly Hung Over, Still Amazed

Posted on by learning to live like water

A slight, very slight, hangover this morning. I had my own little celebration last night, watching TV til late (1 AM), chatting with a close friend who lives in Montana, and is also moving into her own perfect dream place on the side of a mountain. We are both leaving so much painful stuff behind us, we both have houses that are, numerologically, 11’s. 11 being the number of powerful energy portals, of new beginnings. We talked for 2 hours, lol. She was so happy about her move that she could barely talk for a few minutes. I get that. I’ve been there.

I met her in the online community I belonged to for survivors of abuse. We are both about 10 years out of that horror, we both have kids who were also abused horribly. And now we are both moving into a place where that will be behind us, completely. Joy, just joy.

It’s amazing to me, how the distance actually DID leave so much of the old ugly crap behind me. As if it was a different life, as if it were as long ago as high school. My ex, who I had a flurry of calls from before I left, has not tried to reach me in about 2 weeks. I am hopeful that he’ll have no reason to contact me in the future. I know him well enough to know he is envious, and that he still thinks that everything I have is really his, so is most likely harboring some anger. He makes me sad, that he allows his life to be the way it is. As for S….well, I would have liked the ending to be different than it was, but I get where his life is at. There is no more pain associated with that situation either.

Looking forward to seeing my son on Facetime this morning. It’s kind of surprising, how I miss him terribly but it is also freeing, to know he’s on his own, taking care of himself, to know I can go to the store, and just buy what I want to eat, lol. I keep telling him when he gets his own place, and fills it with things that he considers his own, that he will be able to begin to feel at home. It just takes time. He’s going hiking sometime in the next day or two with a friend from high school who also lives out there, and I think that will bring him a lot of comfort, to just touch base with someone else who grew up in his town.

Time for me to get dressed and begin the unpacking marathon, lol. Now that I have my stuff, I can’t wait until it’s all put away.

Life continues to amaze me.

Love and light, all.

Finding My New Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a day from hell, at work. Friday is always the hardest day at my job, and I’m training two new people, and it just got crazy. At the end of the day my boss called me and one of my new people out for not responding to an email earlier in the week. Now, yeah, we should have. The thing is, we get about 400 emails a day that we have to sift through. This one I saw, and planned to responod to but in the craziness of training 2 new people, I let it go. It was not a big deal. I had it on my desk Friday to show the new person what we needed to do with it. But bosses big brother, who is a complete control freak, jumped in and made a mountain out of a mole hill. When I got called into my bosses office, exhausted, after working 45 hours last week, full tilt boogie, I came very close to saying, “you know I have one foot out the door already……” I did not, because of the new girl who I could see was totally blindsided and taken aback. But when I left work I was wondering how I would make it 4 more weeks there.

You know, I like the job, when I’m just doing my job. But to have me training 2 new people, one at a job that I only backed up at, and never did on a full time basis, and bitch at me about one email that was not even urgent…I mean, how thin can he spread me and still ask me for complete competence like he’s used to? GRRRR.

Anyway, on the way home, I called my friend who is also moving, and bitched to her about my inspection and she bitched back to me about hers, and how people want to just empty your pockets out into theirs. We ended up laughing with each other, and went out for a drink and some fried calamari. Three single guys were sitting at the bar next to us, being a little raucous, but funny. About our age, probably closer to hers than mine. But they ended up engaging us in conversation, it was fun, and just a wee bit flirty. They told us about a band playing across the street from where we were on later this month, a well known country artist. The venue is outdoors under a roof, on the banks of the Connecticut River, next door to a 200 year old opera house. We may try to go. They kept saying they hoped they’d see us there. They were joking about how it could be my send off to Florida.

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I came home all relaxed. I only had one glass of wine, and I slept like a baby for 7 hours.

This morning, I came out side at 6 AM, and felt so refreshed. It is a lovely morning. A friend wanted me to go to the beach but I am going to begin my sorting and packing today. Just can’t do it.

I told my realtor to offer the buyers $1000 and the couch and loveseat in my basement, and my snow blower. Then they can do all the inspections they want. She seemed to think that it was fair. I haven’t heard back yet. I just so need to be done with this.

Feeling good about it all this morning. I did my morning meditation and had the sensation of floating down a clear stream, in which the water was warm, and luxuriating in it. Soon I’ll be in my “Avalon” and all the stress of the last year will just be a memory. And most likely, not all that important. Every day I feel myself finding a new, lovely path in life.

Love and light, all.

Haiku No. 109: Dreams Come True (6 parts) (Essay at the bottom)

Posted on by learning to live like water

Tonight, white wine soothes
So many endings in sight
Much pain I’ve let go.

So many dreams, dreamed.
So much heartache is over
So much love, still there.

Red wine is too bold
Tonight, I seek the subtle.
Slow, easy movement.

Letting go, fully
Allowing in the pictures,
universal dreams.

Oh, life! Had I known
Years past, how easy it was
To make dreams come true.

What we dream in sleep
Can come true in waking hours.
Surrender, it’s yours.
This haiku set comes from the day. I undid a lie. If there’s an order to lies, from large to small, it was small. But if there’s no order to them, and I believe there’s not, it was just another lie. It was, in my opinion, a lie, just like all the other myriad of lies over the last year.  I undid it, seeking just to stop it from cycling through my head. Over and over and over, like a 45 record with a scratch.

When I did that, my world immediately, if not sooner, opened up in the direction of my dreams. I received an offer on the house, a cash offer, rare in these parts, and when I countered today they accepted my counter. Soon I will be free of all of the triggers that make me remember and feel all the pain.  Things which kept me tied to the past, in an unhealthy way.  These things will cease to exist.

Avalon. The place of healing, of making new starts. Of new beginnings. 11, the portal to new energy. All these things matter to me. I’m going to Avalon, in two months. Since every thing else I have wanted has manifested, I am sure the things I dream about there will also.

Love and light……

Dreaming of Avalon (Florida)

Posted on by learning to live like water

avalon

(Note:  Avalon, the mythical place where King Arthur was supposedly buried, known as a place of healing and of new beginnings.  When I think of Florida, I think of these things. I’m going to have my sister or my friend paint me a plaque to put by my door that says “Welcome to Avalon”.  )

Had a nice long FB convo with my friend in Florida this morning. God, I can’t wait to be there. She’s going to brunch at the place we went when I was there. Outdoors, music…good food, all vegetarian. That will be my life.

She was telling me about a good friend of hers, a guy. Who is finalizing his divorce, she thinks he’s perfect for me. She said he’s “good looking, kind, generous, not into game playing, has enough money to take care of himself.” I told her to tell him to wait for me. He will be at her brunch this morning.

We were mostly joking, but she tells me how she meets people all the time, just hangs out. She said there are so many nice, good-looking men….She said some amazing musicians. She said, get your house sold and run down here! LOL. .

I’m trying, I’m trying.

She’s gonna try to deal with my ants too today. She’s such a good friend. We have been friends since we were 12 or 13. It’s so cool to have these old friends in my life. We know who we are, and how we grew up, there is never any pretense. We just fall into the honest old ways that made us friends in the first place.

Gonna finish the deck today if I can, because it’s gonna rain tomorrow. And also going to my bff’s for awhile. Hope I get it all done.

Dreaming of Florida today. I guess that’s good, that’s how we manifest, to dream of it exactly the way we want it.

Love and light, all.