Renewing a Meditation Practice

I didn’t sleep well last night, and so didn’t wake up in time to see sunrise this morning. It was one of those mind chatter nights. I fell asleep fine, despite having listened to an hour or so of that ridiculous debate. But I woke up, a couple hours later and just had such a hard time shutting it down again.

Thoughts… of what I had to do today. Go to the dr. Meet the guy from the insurance company to get the payment for my car. Go look at another car. Tonight go to the open mic and hear my poems read, which makes me really nervous and self-conscious. Then, I thought about my friends back home, the ones who have been part of my life, and I missed them. I was so glad to hear from the friend yesterday, and another that I messaged with later.

I finally fell back to sleep with my meditation music, and a conscious effort at remembering all the things I have to be grateful for.

This morning I realized that my meditation practice has really slid since I’ve been here. New routines, new surroundings. I did a good 20 minutes this morning, trying to focus on Sat, Chit, Ananda. Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. It took about half the time to shut down the chatter again. When I finally did, a lump rose in my throat. I don’t know why, except, I was just grateful for the people who are in my life, and for the universe bringing to me, or maybe actually bringing me to, the kind of life I have dreamed of.

So, I need to get this car thing finished. A car needs to be something I take for granted that I have, not something I have to spend a great deal of time thinking about. Then I can get back to the business of continuing to make this house the way I need it to be.

I want to make jewelry again. Really have a hankering to do that. The other night I was wearing a rose quartz wire wrapped pendant which I wear often, and people have asked me if I have a studio when they find out I made it. I always want to laugh, and think….Geez, I just do this as a hobby. But maybe I could get my stuff displayed at some of the stores around here. I asked my friends if they think my work is good enough to show in places like that and they were like, “OMG, Deb it is totally good enough!” Well, I need the money. I guess I’ll try and see what happens.

Anyway, I can’t make jewelry until I have a place in my house to do it, and so, I have to get back to the business at hand of getting the house set up as I need it to be. And first, I need to have a car.

Sometimes this is harder than I thought it would be. And then I have to say, but aren’t you lucky you can do it at all?

Yes, I’m blessed. Totally. I can do this. One thing at a time. Even though I haven’t really got a time table, I need to press on, I need it done, so I can live the way that works for me. So, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. Onward.

Love and light, all

Slightly Hung Over, Still Amazed

A slight, very slight, hangover this morning. I had my own little celebration last night, watching TV til late (1 AM), chatting with a close friend who lives in Montana, and is also moving into her own perfect dream place on the side of a mountain. We are both leaving so much painful stuff behind us, we both have houses that are, numerologically, 11’s. 11 being the number of powerful energy portals, of new beginnings. We talked for 2 hours, lol. She was so happy about her move that she could barely talk for a few minutes. I get that. I’ve been there.

I met her in the online community I belonged to for survivors of abuse. We are both about 10 years out of that horror, we both have kids who were also abused horribly. And now we are both moving into a place where that will be behind us, completely. Joy, just joy.

It’s amazing to me, how the distance actually DID leave so much of the old ugly crap behind me. As if it was a different life, as if it were as long ago as high school. My ex, who I had a flurry of calls from before I left, has not tried to reach me in about 2 weeks. I am hopeful that he’ll have no reason to contact me in the future. I know him well enough to know he is envious, and that he still thinks that everything I have is really his, so is most likely harboring some anger. He makes me sad, that he allows his life to be the way it is. As for S….well, I would have liked the ending to be different than it was, but I get where his life is at. There is no more pain associated with that situation either.

Looking forward to seeing my son on Facetime this morning. It’s kind of surprising, how I miss him terribly but it is also freeing, to know he’s on his own, taking care of himself, to know I can go to the store, and just buy what I want to eat, lol. I keep telling him when he gets his own place, and fills it with things that he considers his own, that he will be able to begin to feel at home. It just takes time. He’s going hiking sometime in the next day or two with a friend from high school who also lives out there, and I think that will bring him a lot of comfort, to just touch base with someone else who grew up in his town.

Time for me to get dressed and begin the unpacking marathon, lol. Now that I have my stuff, I can’t wait until it’s all put away.

Life continues to amaze me.

Love and light, all.