Feeling a Shift

I’m feeling a shift, internally, lately. I can’t say from what to what, I don’t know. But I’m having a hard time sleeping. And writing, which is weird for me. I have been so used to just writing…whatever was in my head. I’m concerned now, with only writing something that means something. The internal workings of the mind are fraught with things that may or may not be true. I’m trying to decipher mine.

It suddenly seems ridiculously self-serving to talk about my love life, or actually, lack of one. Whichever it happens to be at the moment. To talk about how I ran errands, how nice the weather is here. As if it’s even interesting.

I suppose that it helped me, through a huge transition in my life. But it’s one of those things that I’ve now finishsed with. I’d like to write more poetry, less essays. The poetry has to come from my heart though. At my age, I have plenty to draw on to write about. Accessing it….that’s a different story. Well, a lot of us write poetry, and I’m sure we all have our methods. I still have a page and a half of a fictional story I started, but I am still blocked on where it’s going.

I feel like I think Liz Gilbert did, when she posted on FB one day saying, “Why is writing so exhausting?” She went on to say how hard it is sometimes, so emotionally draining. Especially her first book. Right now I’m exhausted. Not really from writing, but from attempting to. It’s ridiculous when you HAVE to write, and find a stop sign down every road your mind takes. I suppose it will change.

So back to the shift…..I have to sit with it until it is complete I guess.

A friend called me last night (see here I go again, the minutiae of my life) but she reminded me we have a big fund-raiser for the Veterans Art Center, some kind of networking event, tomorrow night. I’m glad she remnded me, it’s nice to have something to look forward to. She also told me she has the free Silver Sneakers program so can go to the Y for free, and is excited to go with me. She said she signed up but never wanted to go alone. I’d like to drop another 10 lbs, so hopefully with that, I’ll be able to.

And my bestie from home is coming Friday evening. I just found out, from this blog, lol, that there’s a big block party at a bar called O’Maddy’s, down on the waterfront for St. Patrick’s Day. So we’ll have something fun to do when she gets here. It will probably give me a real lift to see her.

Well, gradual change I guess, is how shift happens. Life is good, especially when I can go take a nap in the middle of the day, lol.

Love and light, all.

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A Going-Away Party

My bff, as I suspected she would, had a surprise going-away party for me last night. She’d asked me to dinner, but I know her. I knew I wasn’t going to get away with just a dinner. So when I got there about 20 of my closest friends were there.

I started to cry, just for a second, that they were all there, for me. No one, ever, has thrown a surprise party for me. Just was so nice, just wrapped up in the love of the people I love. They’ve all said they wanted to come see me in FL. I know not all of them will, I know some of them will.

We ate, and drank, and told stories, and laughed. I love going to my bff’s house, because I know I will laugh there until my stomach hurts. I only had one drink. I was tired when I got there. But it was just fun, relaxing. Caught up with everyone before I left.

A few people gave me gifts, which totally surprised me. How nice! I am going to have to get some cards that I can write thank you notes on, to all the people at work and my friends.

I don’t think there’s anyone I haven’t said goodbye to now. And I’ve been good, I’ve barely cried at all. At least not til I’m alone. I think I may cry when I leave town, maybe when I leave my house to go to my friend Susan’s for the two nights before I leave. The movers are coming Tuesday to take my stuff. Wednesday I’ll clean the house, and we’re leaving early Thursday, really early like around 5 am, to beat the NYC traffic because we have to go over one of the bridges over the Hudson. So, I will stay at her house after the movers take my stuff.

I am nervous, and anxious, and excited, and happy, and sad. I have never had so many mixed emotions about anything. Yet, I know it’s the right thing, only choice I can make that makes any sense for me to be able to spend some time not working. So I forge ahead, each day, and make the dream come a little closer. When I get to Florida, Susan will be with me, and my friend Pat from high school who lives there, and my other high school friend Cathy who is coming over from Daytona just to help me move in. So I will be greeted and in the company of more people I love. In October my sister will be down for the winter, I can’t wait for that, to be able to be close to her. It’s all good.

I am so blessed, just so incredibly blessed. That I am able to do this at all, to make this choice, to have had family to help me do it, and life-long friends. My bff toasted me last night, reminding me that we have been friends since I brought her Glorious Morning Muffins when her father died, and we sat at her kitchen table and bonded. 20 years ago. She has stuck with me through my horrible marriage and divorce, and helped me to move out, and advised me to leave Scott in the dust long before I could imagine it, but she was right. She could see how he treated me, and how I was taking it and after my ex, she couldn’t stand to see me let Scott do what he did to me. But she also never got mad at me for my inability to let him go, she knew I really loved him. Though one time, when I asked her to go shopping she said, “Ok, I’ll go, but we’re not talking about him.” LOL. And we didn’t. I don’t think she and I, or any of my friends have ever uttered an unkind word to each other. True true friends. We are there for each other, all of us, without judgment, with only unconditional love.

The path opens, and it is paved with the wonderful things that have been put in my life. I know there are more waiting for me there.

Love and light, everyone.