Saturday morning. I slept almost 8 hours. I have not done that in weeks, probably before Betty Boop first showed on the scene a month ago. I feel good, I woke without a knot in my stomach this morning, in fact, with a smile on my face.
I think his voice mail yesterday, his sick sorry attempt to “comfort” me was the key. I really really saw and disliked him with that voice mail. It infuriated me, but when the fury stopped, I took ownership of my life, and realized everything happens for a reason, and the reason all this happened was because he did not, does not, belong in my life. I don’t wish him ill, I really feel emotionless when it comes to him right now. No love, no pain, no hurt, no desire. He’s just someone that I used to love, like my ex husband. Like the Pink Floyd song “There is no pain you are receding.” Finally.
I am hoping that since he has no way to respond to me about my blog, he will quit reading them. But at least if he does, I will not have to deal with whatever he thinks about them. I won’t know, and that’s a good thing.
I sit here and realize I have no stress this morning. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to want to see me, I don’t have to wonder if he does will he just want to spend a few hours or will he grace me with some of his time, I don’t have to worry about battling it out with him if he is looking for a “nice afternoon.” I don’t have to wonder where I stand with him. I don’t have to wonder about him at all. I didn’t realize how much stress I have had the last 6 months with him, always wondering about our relationship. It feels good, so good. I feel free today, for the first time. I don’t even feel loss, this morning, which is pretty amazing to me.
I feel like I battled it out all week, and this morning I know I won the fight. My heart is not pounding, the roar in my head is silenced, my blood sugar has gone back into the good range. I”m not feeling nauseous. When the physical symptoms of stress, and grief have alleviated, I know I am ok.
The gongs helped I’m sure. I tried to focus on letting him go, and now, 2 days later, I feel free of him. I’m so glad that I know how to deal with my emotions. Not to bury them, but to honor them, and let myself feel them, until they are calmed, and subsided. I always said to him, “It will hurt, but I am strong, I’ll get through it.” A week later, I am well on my way to the other side.
I’m going to go full tilt boogie into getting my house ready to sell at first light next spring. I have so much to do. A friend is loaning me a power washer to do my deck this weekend, I think. I can paint/stain it when I get back from the wedding next weekend. That’s one of the biggest jobs I have to do. I have recruited my son to help me for a few hours at some point this weekend, since he’s off, to get the house good and clean. I slept so poorly this week, and worked late almost every night, I had no energy to give the house in the few hours I was home.
I was just thinking of his smart ass email to me, when I blogged that I was ok with never seeing him again. “Be careful you don’t get carpal tunnel patting yourself on your back.” Well you know what? I had the surgery, I snipped out the thing that was causing me pain. And it’s healing beautifully. And if I want to pat myself on my back, along with all my friends, for recovering so quickly from utterly cruel devastation, then I will do it. I don’t have to live with what he did. But he does.