Haiku No. 141: Out for a Walk (4 parts)

man walking alone

I saw him walking
I recognized his swagger
The obtuse posture.

Never understood
What I was trying to say
Nor did he want to.

Seeing him loping
From a slight distance, I knew
It was him, and smiled.

Wondered what story
He listens to now, or tells.
Mine is still the same.

Love always and all ways.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

A Few Words on Words

words

Words….

I have been accused of being too wordy, by some. Funny, my ex-husband, in his pre-alcholic days, disliked my reticence. I learned to keep my mouth shut around him, so he’d have nothing to get fired up about, nothing to twist into some crazy attack on him, nothing to make me defend myself against.

I once told his mother, who was calling him at 8 AM, that he’d call her back when he got out of the shower. OMG, the tongue lashing I got for telling her he was in the shower at 8 AM. Geezus. When you live with someone like that for almost 40 years, you learn that the less you say, the less he knows, the better off you are. (Why I stayed is another story, in fact a book, but abusers are good at making us shoulder the blame for their anger.)

When I left him, I gradually found my voice, and my words, and I vowed no one would ever silence me again. Much to the chagrin of at least one other man.

But what else do we have, to express ourselves? Rolling of our eyes? Hand signals? Hanging up the phone? Withholding in bed?  I’m sure I use the first 3 of those, in combination with the words.  The last?  Not really my style….

All that stuff….may communicate pleasure or displeasure, but it doesn’t let someone in. Some people don’t want anyone in. Fear. Afraid if someone gets in they might get hurt. We all probably have that fear at times.

My greater fear is that no one will ever get in. That forever, I’d be alone with my thoughts that I didn’t have the courage to be vulnerable enough to say out loud.

I can say “I love you” if that’s how I feel. There could be a million reasons why it’s not said back. But there also might be a reason to say it. Like, it’s just how a person feels. Maybe me saying it first takes away the fear of saying it back. Maybe not. But maybe. And it may be worth the risk to me.  The bigger gamble for me would be to spend my days wondering “What if I’d said it?  Would he still be here if he knew?”

I like the truth out on the table. I like things to happen based on the truth. Not on games that people want to play. Not on being manipulated into a position. I know who I am. There is kindness underlying my truth, most of the time. Unless I sense injustice. I hate injustice.

But words, written words in particular…have taken me from the dark days of an abusive marriage, they enabled me to help my son to climb out of that same dark cave. The words brought me through an intense affair that ended in terrible betrayal, to the joy I feel in this moment, because the words have allowed me to be true to myself. They have allowed me to tell my story, to form relationships with like-minded people, all over the world. They let me see what is in my head, and decide if what I was thinking, and what I’m saying is actually true.  I have discovered, along the way, that the truth rings.  If it’s not ringing in my head, it’s most likely not true.  At least for me.

Just some thoughts on words.

A Sunflower Kind of Morning

sunflowers

I chose this picture because the sunflower is my favorite flower.  I cannot look at it and not feel happy, like a giant real smiley face or something, lol. It promises to be a beautiful warm spring day here today. Finally, I will be able to open the windows and let fresh air into the house. The “pizza triggers” have abated this morning, thankfully. I woke up very early this morning and all the work yesterday had inflamed my arthritic joints, enough that I got up and took 3 ibuprofen, and then tried to get back to sleep for another hour or so. I only dozed, so it may be a long day. I still have so much to do, and have to get to the grocery store too, and the realtor is coming over too, at some point.

I messaged with a seemingly nice man last night, he is at last real, and not a scammer. John….he’s 5 years younger than me. He’s attractive, it seems, not flighty, so far, not boring. Lol. But who knows, it is fun just to talk to a man. It gives me a lift. We agreed to continue talking today. He lives about an hour away, which is about my limit. Scott was about an hour away. But you know how these things are….I may never hear from him again, lol. Whatever happens is fine, I have so much going on anyway.

I got a message from Alec, the guy I met for coffee about a week ago. He said he was so disappointed not to have heard from me. He asked if I would tell him what I didn’t like about him. He had sent me one message the day after our coffee date, which I didn’t respond to. Actually, I forgot about it with all the stuff I had going on, which is kind of unlike me to just ignore someone’s decent message. This morning I responded that there is nothing wrong with him at all. (Even though I though it was a little insensitive that he knew I was on my lunch hour and didn’t offer to meet for lunch.  He’s a retired CPA and surely could have sprung for a sandwich.)  It’s just that I felt no connection when we met. I assumed he felt the same. So maybe not, whatever. I can’t pretend, nor will I waste time if there isn’t one. He is very inside the box. He may push the sides of it a bit at times, but I am, at least compared to him, so outside it. Not to mention, that he is a strict Shabbat observer, and so is not available at all, even by phone, from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Which kind of eliminates all my free time. I felt a little bad that his message was sent at 1:18 in the morning. Hoping it wasn’t keeping him up that I obviously didn’t want to pursue a relationship.

When I woke up early this morning I began to think about the scenario of selling my house soon, and closing on it in June sometime. My son is going to a music festival in Las Vegas in June, and what if the dates conflict with when we need to be out of this house? I decided more or less, that if that happens, I will have to get a POD for his stuff, and we would load it and send it off before he goes, with his bed, and the couches in his space. Or else decide to sell them. The POD will probably cost about $2000. His mattress and box spring are not old, and he wants to take them. The couch and love seat I bought when I lived in my “transitional” space, the condo I rented while going through my divorce, and are apartment sized, and nice.

Crazy stuff to be thinking about at 4:30 am though. Geez.

I guess I better be off and running, if I can run after being up so early, lol. Maybe up and walking fast. If I get to the grocery store early, I might get out of there quickly and not run into anyone that I know, which generally will keep me standing in the pasta aisle talking for a half hour, lol. It looks to be a sunflower, happy and good, kind of day.

Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday. Love and light.

Wednesday Morning Musings

I’m an early riser. I usually wake up sometime around 5:30, give or take 15 or 20 minutes. The last two mornings it’s been slightly before. When they went to daylight savings time, I hated it because it meant dark mornings again for awhile. But the last two mornings, I have been able to see the first rays of daylight at 5:30. I know that means that soon, I’ll be able to sit out on the deck in the morning doing this, watching the sun rise. Can’t wait for that. It’s my favorite time of day.

I got a message from the new guy.  He said he forgot, when he told me he’d call me, that it would be Tuesday and he sings in a chorus, and had practice.  So will call me tonight. I answered him, “Ok, I’ll give you a pass. Chorus, you sing? I sang in high school, in the choir, and always at church. But haven’t in years. I still sing in the shower though! Talk to you later…”  He replied “Good morning Deb. Yes, I’ve been singing in the same group for over 30 years. I’d love to hear you sing in the shower, lol.”

So I think the conversation with him will be fun, I’m looking forward to it.

I made the date with the realtor for pictures tentatively for Monday. She’s going to stop over on Sunday sometime and sign the paperwork. So I will be live on Zillow sometime next week! Just pray for me, that it sells quickly and easily. I want to get to Florida.

The house looks good, my son promises his space will be done by Sunday night. He’s off Sunday so hopefully it’s true. I am sure I’ll have to assist, lol.

I talked to my brother-in-law about the insurance on my house, and I swear, insurance is so fear-based!!!! It is terrifying when you start to think about all the things that could happen!! Especially in Florida, where they have terrible hurricanes and tornadoes, and floods. My house is 20′ above sea level, so I’m above the flood plain. And my roof is new, but the house is old. I probably have some worry if there’s a hurricane, but tornadoes are rare that close to the ocean. Of course, there have been huge water spouts seen in Tampa  Bay, which is where the town I will live sits

water-spoutThis is an actual water spout in Tampa Bay in 1995

Well there’s always some worry, no matter where you live. We get hurricanes in Connecticut too, and blizzards, and a tornado once in a great while. There was what they called a microburst about 20 years ago right in my small town. It took down a tree in my yard and totaled a car. My ex saw a waterspout on the lake right in front of our house once on a windy day.

So let it be what will be. I still can’t wait to live where there is never winter. Never to shovel snow again. Or have the buggars freeze in my nose, lol.

Life it good. Love and light, everyone.

 

 

 

 

A Trying Kind of Day

at-least-i-tried

It was a trying day. Like the kind of day where you’re trying really hard not to quit your job. Grrr. But it’s over.

Since I put up that post about “how long can your sign hold a grudge” I’ve been looking into my Aries traits. I have never been really into astrology, but honestly, everything I read about Aries is on the money with me. Strong, quick tempered but just as quick to get over it and forgive. Energetic. Extroverted. Passionate. Tonight I was looking up my best matches, lol. And whether or not my ex and I, or Scott and I were a good match.  Just informative, I wasn’t doing anything but a little retro-analysis for fun.  Just to see.

My ex was a Pisces. Honestly my Aries traits were so subdued with him, because I was always trying to figure out how to be so he’d be happy. So he’d approve and not loose that vitriolic tongue on me. So whether or not we’d have been a good match if he wasn’t an abusive sociopath, remains to be seen. The site I was reading said Pisces are gentle and intuitive….Well, not my ex. I guess he was in bed, but that was the only place.

But I think when you add all the facets of an abuser to any sign, the rest of the traits are lost, really.

Scott was an Aquarian, and man, he is the quintessential Aquarian. This site said “The relationship of Aries and Aquarius is very exciting, adventurous and interesting. They will enjoy each other’s company as both of them love fun and freedom. Although they share the same personality traits Aquarians need more space than Arians which may create a tiff between them. An Aquarian will always support the spontaneity of an Arian and in turn the Arian will also admire the creativity and innovative ideas of an Aquarian.” Damn, so true….he loved his space (of course, I didn’t know it ws filled with Betty…..) He was creative, and innovative, and I loved those things about him. That his creativity led him to creatively deceive two women….lol. Well, let’s just say, I’m not interested in pursuing that any longer!

I had to laugh….Betty is a Scorpio, supposedly the worst match for an Aquarius. “Scorpio’s moodiness, jealousy, and possessiveness will eventually make Aquarius feel trapped and possibly ignite the water bearer’s roving eye.” Um, maybe…….LOL. Sounds like a match made in, um….heaven? Lol. Well, she should know, she’s known him long enough.

Makes me laugh, how he projected the jealousy thing onto me. Yeah, when he did the prison whore…I was jealous for a moment.  I was more pissed, and appalled and devastated.  He devastated me for a hooker?   Jealousy was a small part of it. When he dumped me by telling me he was going to be with Betty after leading me on all week, I was jealous. But not that much after, I figured he knew what he wanted, and I just missed him.  And still loved him.  When I saw him in January and he was crying to me about her, I wasn’t jealous at all.  Apparently she was, though, when she found out he was with me.  Whatever.  It’s just that I kept wondering why he kept telling me he hated my jealousy when I really wasn’t, have never been, jealous.  I won’t share, but that’s not jealousy.  Hell, I always laughed at the way he flirted with the cashiers and the waitresses, he was funny as hell.  I’ve always known who I am, and that I have value, and if you don’t like it or want it, I’ll find someone who does.

Interesting though. But ’nuff said. Just anecdotal now.

I called my ex this morning, to ask him what would be a good time to drop off all the cassettes I have that I’m gonna give to him, because I can’t play them. He was appropriately grateful. Then he asked how our son was.

I said, “Oh he’s fine. I know he keeps saying he is going to call you but hasn’t done it.” He started to tell me how he thought about it for 3 days, searched his heart….he doesn’t work, and has no friends, so he’s got nothing else to do. Anyway, he came up with the reason my son won’t talk to him (It’s been maybe 6 years or so….) is because my son could never understand why his father and I couldn’t get along and he had to grow up in that bad relationship. Was it ok if he talked to my son about that?

I wanted to laugh. I mean really. But all I said was, “You can talk to him about whatever you want. But you are barking up the wrong tree. The reason he doesn’t talk to you has nothing to do with our relationship or with me.”

Of course he got mad. Got his defensive back up, lol. Idiot. My son won’t talk to him because he physically, emotionally and verbally abused the kid his whole life. Duh. I didn’t say that. I just said, ok, you believe what you want to. I gotta go.

And ended the conversation.

Maybe he’ll call a couple more people who don’t know my son, and haven’t spoken to me in 10 years for some advice. He’s lost his business, his home, his boat, his family. And it’s all someone else’s fault I guess. Probably mine…..

So with that conversation, I became more sure that they will never have a relationship. Even if my son called him, talked to him, the minute his father started on him with this bullshit, son would get pissed and walk away.

His father will never own up to the damage he did. It’s clear.

It’s sad, for my son. I’d love him to have a father. But not one like that, that can’t see the truth, can’t own what he has done, can’t recognize, feel remorse and repair the damage. Nope. My 23 year old son can do that. His 65 year old father cannot.

Sad. It’s sad for my ex. He’s gonna live his life out in this 500 sq. ft cottage, in the shadow of the life he could have had, right next door…..It’s actually kinda creepy…..

So, I’m thinking, it snowed today. I talked to my ex and he was the asshole I’ve always known and loved. Work was beyond chaotic today.

But I did try…..with my ex, to get somewhere with him. He told me he doesn’t want my thoughts on how to resolve his relationship with my son. So he won’t get them.

Love and light to all. Even him…..

 

Exorcising The Ghosts

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

IMG_2247

I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

The Evolution of the End

I’ve been writing so much in the mornings lately that I haven’t had time to do my meditation, and I think I’m feeling it.  It’s such a good way to start the day, to become centered and grounded.  To step back and just let myself be.

This morning seems to be full of promise.  Letting out the “I Wonder” emotions last night seemed to be a clearing, cleansing experience, to put that energy out to the universe.  He is who he is, I don’t think there will ever be a significant change, in his default setting.  I’m sorry for him, that he feels the need to blame me, or anyone else, for the decisions he makes.  And then to run away, to silence…IDK.  It’s all the way it’s supposed to be though.  It’s easier to move on when we don’t talk, and that’s what he wants me to do, apparently, and that’s what I want to do.

It’s all about trust, really.  And the marble jar is empty.  He put in a few marbles, and dumped them out.  I think for me, I need to cap the jar and not even make it accessible. He’s not looking to build my trust, but the thing is…either you are trustworthy or not.  Not with just me, but with everyone.  And he’s not.  He’s just not.

It’s good to see him as he is, it makes it easier to continue moving away from the old, into the life I want.  In the words of Fleetwood Mac, (Silver Spring) “I began not to love you. Turn around and see me running.  I’ll say I loved you years ago, Tell myself you never loved me, no….”  Because  I did, and he didn’t, and I’m running.

I hope she can run too, or at least walk.  I don’t see a change ever happening.  Because it has to happen across the board.  He can’t recreate himself for her, and be someone else the rest of the time.

Life is good.  Spring is 33 days away.  🙂  Gotta get my muffler fixed, now that my wiper blades work.  Things to do, places to go, people to meet.

Onward.