I finally talked to S. Well, that’s stretching it. We texted. And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other. That’s how I hoped it would be. I have no anger, I have no regrets. I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now. I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.
Last night I had a strange dream. I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement. That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess. I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit. I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence.. There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us. I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.” (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.
I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared, but it was just weird….and it woke me up. I don’t know what it had to do with S, or me. I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol. I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth. As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know. She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.
That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days. The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone. And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it. So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.
On to a new day, a new week. I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way. And yours.
Love and light.
I’m working on contentment. I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different. Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.
There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon. It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time. If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow. One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t. Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.
Content. Actually, I am feeling pretty content today. I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell. I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing. If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content! But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.
I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me. It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.
I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends. It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.
I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season. That will be nice. The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later. It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air. Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it. For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean. Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters. I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again. We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip. He has since sold the boat, which made me sad. It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.
So, contentment, is where I am today. Accepting what is, happily. Hopefully with grace. I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.
Last Friday night when I saw the psychic, my native American spirit guides told me, first thing, first message they gave me, was “Stand your ground, don’t back down.” The medium said she could hear the Tom Petty song. My friends and I knew what that was about, I was trying to end, at that time, the relationship which had become purely physical and was not nourishing me.
The medium said, “You stand it lovingly, not with meanness in your heart. And with no expectation that this other person is going to go along with it.” Which was exactly what was happening. He didn’t want me to break it off, but I was unhappy with it as it was. She also told me that standing my ground would open doors for me.
Then he brought in his health issues. Because I loved, and still love, him, i caved, I could only feel love and concern for him He wouldn’t tell me the possibilities, because he didn’t want that energy out there. And because he thought I would “go ballistic.”
Yes, I would have been upset, but I was already upset.”Ballistic” is not what I would have become however. “Ballistic would be how I might describe a reaction of anger. I wasn’t angry, I was upset, concerned, in love. Wanted to know what might be in store for the man I loved, and wanted to be able to determine if I could in anyway help him get through this. Based on the symptoms, there wasn’t one outcome that was better than the other. He promised when he knew something definite he would tell me. Until then, he said, “I need you to just be with me.” And so I was. I was there when he called, I did what he asked, I didn’t ask him to tell me. I did tell him that I loved him, I did express concern about him. Of course. Not a lot, not often, but when I felt it was appropriate.
So, I did what I could do. I sent him Reiki, I sent him all the positive energy I could, I sent up prayers to the Universe that he come through it ok. I kept that to myself, because I felt he preferred that I act like nothinig was wrong.
Apparently, my acquiescing to his wishes gave him license to treat me however he needed to. And last night’s no show, on the heels of not knowing all week what was wrong, just broke me. He was scared and in pain he said. Why is that an excuse to hurt someone? I don’t know. If he wasn’t going to tell me the whole story, he shouldn’t have told me any of it. But he told me what he did, to keep me in his words, not mine, “from dumping” him.
“You’re making it all about you” he said last night. When you turn my world upside down, it will be, for me, about me, until I right myself again. Never disrespecting that he has some real serious issues.. But he disrespected me, and my love care and concern for him.
So, contrary to the spirit advice, and what my own gut had told me, I didn’t stand my ground, I did back down. But this morning, after dealing with the pain of his carelessness last night, I will stand my ground once again. He asked me to leave him alone, and I will. I said, do the same for me, please.
It’s what he wanted all along, to be alone. Now he is. Me, well…I am alone in a sense that I’m not with him. But I’m blessed with a life full of people who love me. I’ll be fine.
I was with my ex-husband for just shy of 40 years. We met when we were 18, married at 25, divorced at 58. In that time, he broke my heart 1000 times. Rivers of tears, countless sleepless nights. Days of deep-seated fear, hours of sheer terror. A broken heart was not something I wanted to revisit.
I left him when I was 55, almost 56. I felt only relief from the moment I was gone. And fear for my son, who stayed with him. But mostly relief, that my world upon waking would be the same as when I went to bed.
When I was 63 I met S. A full 7 years after leaving my ex. I was attracted to him before we even met. I have often commented on our connection. It seemed uncanny, it seemed that we had to already know each other on some level. It’s never been a balanced relationship, but it’s been fun, interesting, and passionate. But then, last winter, he fucked the prison whore, and broke my heart. To his credit, he knew he was going to break my heart, and tried to break it of with me before he did that. But I was too convincing, I guess, in my misery, and sadness, and he couldn’t do it.
Since then….it has been off again, on again for us. We have that connection, a physical desire, but we want different things from life, I guess. We see things differently. We react to things differently. And the places we came from on our separate journeys were a long ways apart. Each time now, that we are off again, it is a little harder to put it back on. No matter that the love is there, will always be, it just isn’t making either of us happy. My heart is broken again, I am guessing that his heart is feeling a little pain too, but I could be wrong. I can’t speak for him.
Then there is A….who I met after the thing with the prison whore. We became close. A loves me, is not afraid to be vulnerable and tell me exactly how he feels. He knows I have this thing with S. A, however, is not here. He’s off on his grand adventure, and sends me pics and tells me how he misses me, and loves me, but he’s not here. He’s out west, in one of the national parks….he won’t be settled in for probably a year. There is no future really there. And I never could drum up the passion for him. But love, yes, I love the man. He treats me like gold. I think his purpose in my life is to remind me how I should be treated.
When I first told him I was going to see S again, he sent me a beautiful email, telling me he knows he only offers heartbreak on a platter, because he knew he would be leaving on this great adventure, but that he would balance it with love and tenderness.
But God, I didn’t want another heartbreak. I don’t want any more of them. I want to love someone who can love me back, fully, unafraid…. I am tired of the games people play in their heads, holding back out of fear, fear not caused by me, but by a past love. Fear which has no basis in the present, but still colors everything. I’m tired of having a passionate physical relationship, which never carries over into life, and living.
I think I’d just rather be alone that deal with another heartbreak. I’m not saying that if someone came into my view I wouldn’t give it a chance. I’d sure like to find the love that lasts before I leave this earth. But I think when it begins to go bad, I need to just let it go, instead of trying to make it work. Better to be alone, and whole, than have my heart axed in two again.
Every so often things come apart.
They just weren’t put together to hold.
So you pick up the pieces,
You discard that which didn’t hold together.
You reshape the design of the whole,
To include only those things you want to keep.
It’s a little scary.
But it’s also comforting,
When the things you wanted to hold together
Seem to now fit together better.
And amazingly, the new design seems to be one
That can grow, and stretch
Maybe this time without breaking.
It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.
I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.
The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.
I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.
I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.
I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.
It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.
I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.
What a lovely weekend.
First of all, it didn’t snow! And it wasn’t frigid! I spent Saturday with a friend at a rock and mineral show, looking for things to make jewelry with. Then I spent the evening with my new guy, perusing a used book store, having the best Italian dinner that I’ve had in years, watching a movie. We ran errands together today.
I didn’t think I’d want to spend time with him today, like there might be too much togetherness, but it turned out I was happy to spend more time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, cared for. Like no other man in my life has ever done.
I was in his bedroom, there are still pics of he and his wife. He asked me if that bothered me. She only died 8 months ago. I said no, because I feel like she and I are friends, because she came to me in my dream with him. I feel like she’s ok with me being there.
I have buffalo chicken meatballs in the oven, first time I’ve tried to make them. Hope they come out ok.
The confusion of yesterday morning is gone today. Not confused at all. Which is lovely. But I got an email from S today. So I’ll deal with it, sometime. Or I won’t. I don’t know….Like having a case of the hives. If I itch it, it gets worse. If I don’t, it lays dormant and you think it’s gone til you scratch your arm, and the welt shows up again.
My new guy knows about the old guy. I have kept him in the loop, he asks me, “How does what he did make you feel now?” His concern is how I am feeling, not jealousy that it still hurts me. And amazingly, his care and concern, the way he allows me to discuss it with him, brings me closer to him, and farther from the hurt. In the same way, I understand that he still loves his wife. And I’m happy that he does.
So not surprisingly, I was not really happy to see an email from S. He still tugs at my heartstrings. But not in the same way that he was. I am not missing him. I only know he doesn’t understand, and I don’t want to hurt him, bu I don’t want to hurt me either. Yesterday, in an email, he told me I could help him heal, but I won’t. I told him I won’t because the cost is too high for me. I think it’s still too high for me. And I think he needs to find his own center, and make peace with what he did and who he has been, and change going forward. Maybe the next woman that loves him, will be loved in return.
In the meantime, my new guy, I will call him A, and I know there is an end which will come when he moves. It will be sad. But honestly, to have a man, until then, who accepts me completely, who cares for me, who craves me, who is kind, and loving, and sweet…..will help me know what I do want in a man. I will experience it first hand, instead of dreaming about it. And I’ll never ever settle for less again.
I write, that’s what I do, it’s how I work things out. So when I am in a relationship I write about it. I wrote this first poem in the beginning, about S. But the end, so far, does not seem poetic to me. It has not inspired me to write poetry to get through it. I am through it and happy about it, but it doesn’t seem to deserve poetry to me. It was an ugly betrayal. It shook me to the very core to find out who he really was.
Still, I thought, I would publish these two poems. The second is not about the ending but was about another moment in the relationship when I thought it was over. Just a beginning and an ending.
I Would Be Happier
For the first time in many many years
I would be happier if he were here.
That scares me.
It scares him.
But it’s true, all the same.
Scared or not.
I would be happier if he were here.
In the morning having my coffee.
I sit outside
I listen as the world wakes up.
I am happy.
I feel the connection to all the earth.
I close my eyes.
I breathe in the scent of the early morning.
I clear my mind.
I am happy.
I would be happier if he were here.
I go through my day.
I am happy.
That he called
That I am having a good, easy day.
That he is thinking of me.
Because I cannot stop thinking of him.
We talk, we both flirt a little.
I am happy.
I would be happier if he were here.
I get home.
I clean up my kitchen.
I idly check my phone
To see if I missed a message.
I did not.
I go outside.
I sip a glass of wine.
A cool breeze blows through my hair.
I am happy.
My life is wonderful.
I would be happier if he were here.
And then, an ending. Not THE ending, just an ending. In hindsight, I wish I had let it be the ending. Would have saved me a lot of heartache. But the result is the same….Surrender.
It’s fascinating, really,
how happiness can come
so silently, so fleetingly.
One minute you can be happy, sure of your life
and the next minute
some new piece of truth comes your way
and completely undoes the happiness you were so sure of
only seconds before..
It feels obscene, it feels like a violation.
Of my person. Of my psyche.
I asked the question.
I hoped beyond hope
for a different outcome.
Knowing I might not get it,
hoping I would.
I did not.
Now, I can’t change the answer.
I can’t change our hearts.
I can’t go back
to the moment before I knew the answer.
The moment, the time, the place
where I could bury it
and ignore what I knew.
What the voices kept repeating.
The question kept rearing it’s head.
“What about this???” the voices called.
Are you happy?? Despite this??
Enough times they called to me as I slept
As I woke
As I showered
As I dressed
As I drove
As I made love.
They wouldn’t be ignored.
I asked the dreaded question.
I got the dreaded answer.
Now…my task is to accept.
To surrender yet again, to what is.
And to place my hope outward
To a time and place as yet unknown
Where I can dream the dream again
And laugh in it’s fulfillment.
in this time and this space
I sit with my sadness.
Knowing that it will pass.
That all things are possible.