Clarity

Fog_Lake_II_by_BBs_Brushes

What a lovely weekend.

First of all, it didn’t snow! And it wasn’t frigid! I spent Saturday with a friend at a rock and mineral show, looking for things to make jewelry with. Then I spent the evening with my new guy, perusing a used book store, having the best Italian dinner that I’ve had in years, watching a movie. We ran errands together today.

I didn’t think I’d want to spend time with him today, like there might be too much togetherness, but it turned out I was happy to spend more time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, cared for. Like no other man in my life has ever done.

I was in his bedroom, there are still pics of he and his wife. He asked me if that bothered me. She only died 8 months ago. I said no, because I feel like she and I are friends, because she came to me in my dream with him. I feel like she’s ok with me being there.

I have buffalo chicken meatballs in the oven, first time I’ve tried to make them. Hope they come out ok.

The confusion of yesterday morning is gone today. Not confused at all. Which is lovely. But I got an email from S today. So I’ll deal with it, sometime. Or I won’t. I don’t know….Like having a case of the hives. If I itch it, it gets worse. If I don’t, it lays dormant and you think it’s gone til you scratch your arm, and the welt shows up again.

My new guy knows about the old guy. I have kept him in the loop, he asks me, “How does what he did make you feel now?” His concern is how I am feeling, not jealousy that it still hurts me. And amazingly, his care and concern, the way he allows me to discuss it with him, brings me closer to him, and farther from the hurt. In the same way, I understand that he still loves his wife. And I’m happy that he does.

So not surprisingly, I was not really happy to see an email from S. He still tugs at my heartstrings. But not in the same way that he was. I am not missing him. I only know he doesn’t understand, and I don’t want to hurt him, bu I don’t want to hurt me either. Yesterday, in an email, he told me I could help him heal, but I won’t. I told him I won’t because the cost is too high for me. I think it’s still too high for me. And I think he needs to find his own center, and make peace with what he did and who he has been, and change going forward. Maybe the next woman that loves him, will be loved in return.

In the meantime, my new guy, I will call him A, and I know there is an end which will come when he moves. It will be sad. But honestly, to have a man, until then, who accepts me completely, who cares for me, who craves me, who is kind, and loving, and sweet…..will help me know what I do want in a man. I will experience it first hand, instead of dreaming about it. And I’ll never ever settle for less again.

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