My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends. For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.
Lately, the energy has been chaotic. I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand. Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up. My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes. Not a bad thing, mind you. Just….there were always remnants of it around. But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees. Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways. He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town. To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change. I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.
S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons. I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made. I love him, I always will. But our paths diverge, for now.
I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm. It won’t be the same. People, time, and events change us, grow us. I have grown. I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead. I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.
This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe. Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go. Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.
I have always considered myself a happy person. While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again. My faith that things will all be ok…is strong, I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf. Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.