I finally looked to see if S had left me a voice mail. I didn’t so much as mean to, but I got a couple of voice mails I needed to listen to and saw there were 13 blocked voice mails, which were from him. It makes me sad, but resigned to how it is.
I have no anger, no animosity. He wants to talk.
As he said, in that lovely poem he wrote (which he is or was angry with me for publishing, tho when he gave it to me he told me I could put it up here or I wouldn’t have) “fate has determined that nothing will grow between us.” I believe this is true, in this moment, the present moment. We have talked about our issues dozens of times, on my deck, in his living room, at the park where we met. There is no resolution, now. I want something he doesn’t. I want a relationship where I am part of my lovers life, in all ways. I don’t want a superficial sexual relationship with a friend. He wants to be free, to see the world through his own eyes, without anyone else’s input.
I get that, I do. But we have to go our separate ways for now. If he gets tired of that journey, maybe then we’ll have something to talk about.. Right now, there is nothing more to say, and seeing and talking to him will not change it. Our paths came together for awhile, we found comfort with each other, but that fragile tie was stretched to the breaking point this summer. By me wanting more, by him wanting less. It snapped, it broke. It’s over, as it was. It’s over for now, unless one of us does some major changing regarding what we want in life, and that won’t be me. I know what I want, have known for a long time, years. One of my constant prayers is that I will know the love of a good man before I die. I’m not going to change, I’m going to be who I am, and continue on the journey to find and create the life I want. I know there is someone out there who will join me in that.
I am not going to unblock him. I don’t want to have even one more conversation about this, about being friends, about how he wants to be free, about how he misses me, etc. I am not going to commit to any of that right now. Being friends with him in the past has always left me open to sexual innuendo, flirting, and it sucks me right back in. So no, for now, no. Maybe time and distance will change that. Maybe not.
We can only live in this moment, and for now..the way things are at this moment, the door has to remain closed.
I don’t know what the future holds for anyone. I can say, yes, I’m going to sell my house and move to Florida. That’s all I really know right now. I hope S will take this time to be free, to find himself, to figure out how he wants to live his life out and try to be happy. I hope he does not get angry with me, but I am standing my ground for my own protection. Maybe a time will come when I don’t feel I need to, but for now I just want to get away from the memories, the dreams I had for us. They were only my dreams, not shared by him, not even shared with him because I knew they would push him even farther away. Now….I think we need to have that space and distance and time, before we can really be friends, not looking for anything but friendship.