Accepting What Is, and Moving Forward

I talked to my friend whose daughter was so banged up in the car accident last week. She had a really hard run. She’s moving too, only about 15 miles away, but moving. And packing up. And her daughter was so injured. I can’t imagine what she was going through. But the daughter is recovering well, is getting around ok, dealing with the pain she has but not letting it hold her down. My friend and I made plans to go to a place down at the shore this weekend and take a breather. We will both be packing and sorting all weekend. And ready for a break by Sunday afternoon.

She offered to pick me up at the airport when I fly home from Denver, which means I won’t have to pay parking for the week I’m gone.

She also said I will have a room at her house next summer, and she’s coming to FL in March, I’m pretty sure. Good times. Close friends. Love it.

I am pretty sure tomorrow I will just order a replacement tank, maybe to be delivered on Monday on Tuesday. My realtor is asking if I can get a regular hot water heater but not thinking they are gonna say yes. So it is what it is. My friend had to spend so much to get out of her house. Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be, let me tell you. Even if you are staying there for a long time. She and I both are of like minds, “I just want to get out of here.” A lot like when you get to the airport to go home. Just beam me up, Scotty. I don’t need the trip, I just want to be there. Overdue, you know?

Work seems hard to me lately, because I so don’t want to be there. I so just want to be in my new house, in my new life. The job keeps me tied to the past, and I’m letting go of the past. I have been focused on how hard it will be to say goodbye to my son when I get on the plane in Denver. And I should be focusing on how much fun it will be to drive across the country with him. He’s not seen any of our country, except Florida, Virginia, and the few days he spend in Colorado last February. We will have so much fun doing that, just hanging out together for those 6 days. I am looking forward to that!

I have decided to focus on the good, not the pain I will feel. This will be good for him, for me. We will always have each other. How many people even have the opportunity to drive across country with their son? I’m going to start to map it out when I’m too tired to do anything else.

I am blessed, no matter what. Fuck the hot water heater. I still have enough.

Love and light.

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Compromise, or Self Accountability?

Damn, I needed a glass of wine tonight.

First a little update. A bought the house. I got 2 or 3 group texts, with pictures…waxing poetic about Santa Fe. He got to Santa Fe on the weekend. Previously he spent less than a week there last winter. And in 3 days, he decided to change his mind completely about his lifestyle, and put a contract on a house, which he couldn’t even have had inspected yet. WTF? I kept thinking something is really wrong with him. Then later today, probably because he had no response from me about the house, I got a private text. I have NO idea how it got through, but he asked if I had the surgery. I deleted it without reading, or even opening, so it would show on is phone as “undelivered”. That really threw me, I mean, how does he get a text through when I have both his numbers blocked, and it’s coming from a blocked number? And made me more concerned about his motivation to do what he’s doing. I mean, that would be severely delusional, if I had anything to do with his decision. But then, I was married to a man who still thinks his 23 year old son could be a professional soccer goalie. People are quite capable of spinning great yarns and believing them. So yeah, that gave me a little headache.

The wine tasted good. I’m only having one glass, even though I’d like more, lol. But it’s a week night, yada yada.

But then.

I was thinking about my relationships with S, and A. Before A’s text. And how I compromised myself, both times. With A…I accepted his love for me, misdirected and perhaps ill motivated as it might have been. I accepted it without loving him back, because he made me feel good. It was a lush feeling, for awhile, to have someone adore me. To hold me, before he left and tell me he loved me “so much”. To hug me and say, “Thank God you came back to me.” I had just gone to say goodbye…he was leaving forever….I didn’t say I was back, he told himself that story. I didn’t disabuse him of that notion. I felt he was leaving, I’d probably not see him again, let him leave happy. Which is probably why I worry about his motivation in buying a house so impulsively. I mean…it’s not my worry really, he’s a grown man, but how can it be a good decision based on so little information.

But I compromised myself with him. I didn’t tell him the truth, at least not all the time. When it got too much, I did. I never told him that I loved him, I never led him on, but I accepted love from someone who I didn’t love back, and that feels wrong. Like I should have been more honest, I shouldn’t have been so self absorbed in enjoying the huge ego boost I got from it. Just feels wrong. Like I used him, even though that wasn’t my intention. I tried to love him but I couldn’t. I knew I could love S, so I went back to S.

I knew I did love S. I adored him. And he broke my heart so many times. Finally I got smart and headed him off at the pass, but not before I cried a river, a fucking ocean, over that man. Wondering what was wrong with me, that he could so easily dismiss me. So the compromise there was, that I allowed myself to love a man, with everything I had, who didn’t love me back. He would tell me he missed me, but he only missed sex. He said once he missed making me laugh. But he also told me he didn’t want to be in love, or a relationship, that he wanted to see other women. So I guess the lauging and the sex wasn’t that big a deal. I gotta give him honesty. He only led me on once.

After he fucked the prison whore, which I have lots of blogs about last winter, as I tried to work through that. He knew I had begun to see A, and just didn’t want someone else to have me. I thought he wanted me. He told me everything, almost, that I ever wanted to hear, he did everything I’d dreamed about. It took me about 30 seconds to cast A aside and be with S.

And then once S knew I was with him, not A….all those things disappeared, never to be seen again. And we went back to our non-relationship status and it hurt more than ever.

Because I compromised myself. I gave myself willingly, because I wanted to love him. And I didn’t care that he didn’t love me. I let myself do that….treated myself like a tramp, like shit, because I wanted to love him. He treated me…ok, unless he was having a bad day, but he never was dishonest with me, except that one time, to keep me from being with A. I shouldn’t have allowed that either.

So here I am, compromised. By two men, on opposite ends of the spectrum. One, I let him love me, and I didn’t, couldn’t, love him back, but let him lavish it on me, just to make myself feel valuable. The other, I loved, with nothing in return. I let myself be used. Used honestly. It was only my fault.

So the question is…..should I be feeling bad about any of this? Am I responsible for the fact that A loved me, unrequited? No more than S is responsible that I loved him, unrequited. We can only control our own emotions. We can only set our own standards for ourselves.

A loved me, (I am not sure that’s even past tense at the moment), but I’m not responsible for his emotions. I never led him on, I just enjoyed his company. Until recently, when he was wanting a bigger camper “in case” I wanted to come see him, and then suddenly a house. And the way his conversation went far more intimate than I was comfortable with.

S…didn’t. I knew it. He’s not responsible for my emotions. I guess I kept thinking that he would love me someday, that some day he’d want me the way I wanted him. But it was my stupid dream, his was to be free. Over time, I began to detach. We saw each other rarely, we talked a lot, but there was nothing growing there, except separation. I accepted that over the summer, and little by little let the dream go. When he lost his temper with me over nothing this past weekend, it was not hard at all to close the book, and decide not to turn the page. I hadn’t seen him in a month. While I thought I missed him, I was actually in the process of detaching. This was the first time it has not hurt. Maybe there are no tears left to cry, but at any rate, I’m not and that’s a good thing.

(Let me just note here, that I have not been blogging about S and I for some time now.  The things in this blog are all things I have published before, so I don’t feel like I am breaking any trust by talking about them.  I cannot write this blog without mentioning them.  I am not going into any detail about why I closed the book on that relationship, now or ever.  If I did, I would be breaking the trust.)

Going forward….I don’t want to compromise. I will choose, yes choose, to love only someone who is capable of loving me back. I will not stay with someone just because he loves me. I will have balance, or be alone. It’s only myself that I have to not let down. No one else. Maybe I’ll be alone, but that would be preferable to not liking the person I have become. I’m alone right now, and you know what? It feels fine.

The Party’s Over, It’s Back to Work Tomorrow

This was me for 4 days.  NOT!!

I had the bandage removed from my hand this morning.  I still am amazed at how little pain I have had. Much less than the carpal tunnel gave me.  I still have a bandage, that has to stay clean and dry for a couple weeks, has to be wrapped up when I shower.  But I have much more use of my hand, limited only by the amount it hurts when I use it.  I have a little bit of physical therapy in store, to regain full use of my fingers.  But the difference was noticeable immediately.

Funny, I have noticed a flare-up of joint pain in other joints, I’m sure caused by my crazy emotional state last week. So, now I need to focus on my overall health, and on manifesting what I want in my life.  I know what I want, and I intend to focus on gratitude for all I have, for all my experiences, for all the lessons I have been blessed to learn.  And to believe….just to believe, that the universe conspires in my behalf.

These 4 days at home have been so good for me.  This is because I really couldn’t DO anything much.  You know, usually when you are home, you are working working. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry….etc, etc, etc.    But with my dominant hand in a soft cast, even cooking was a chore, I can’t still use a knife well, I am pretty gimpy with my left hand.  Not being able to get the bandage wet pretty much ruled out heavy cleaning.  Thank God, I figured out how to type, I apparently had a lot to say.  I am so blessed by my family of friends, coming to see me, calling me, checking on me, texting me, putting up funny stuff on FB, taking me to the beach, bringing me freshly picked blueberries.  Re-enforcing my sense of worthiness, of love and belonging.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I will need some help with parts of my job, for a couple of weeks.  I’m feeling kind of a renewed sense of focus.  A clarity, if you will, of where I want to go, how I want to get there, who will be happy to accompany me, and who has chosen a different path.  It’s part of learning to live like water.  Sometimes, the only way back to source is to carve out a new path and let the water (or your spirit) flow.  I wish only love and light to everyone, and a happy life no matter what path anyone chooses.

On that note….love and light.

I Couldn’t Bend the Fork

My book club met last night.  We are reading “the Sacred Year” by Michael Yankovich.  One of the girls has learned how to bend spoons and forks.  You’ve seen people do it, they bend them like they are a piece of rope.  She taught us.  Out of the 5 of us, I was the only one who could not do it.  But I am going to keep trying.  When everyone left, she said that her teacher told her that the people the most spiritually evolved have the hardest time, that usually the people who do it first are the 5 year olds who have no attachment to the outcome.

And yeah, I did…You have to be able to focus on it, then let it completely go, and I had, have a hard time with that part.  The letting go.  It will be a good thing when I learn it.

I think my head wasn’t in it either, because besides work being another day from hell, I didn’t sleep well the night before because of my stupid arm.  So, I had lunch in my car, and was playing music with the key on accessory.  And I dozed off for about 5 minutes, woke up, disconnected my phone which was playing the music, and didn’t shut the car completely off.  So when I came out last night to leave, early I might add because I wanted to get  home, book club was at my house, I couldn’t start the car.  I had to wait 45 min til someone came to jump me.

I was ready to cry, really.  My son talked me down.  I was just overwhelmed. Between work, having book club, surgery in 2 days, and not seeing S…..I was losing it.  I regained my equilibrium somewhat, but I still wasn’t in a place where I could focus and let go of any thought last night.  I figure I will do it this weekend while I recover.

S did make me laugh while I sat in my car waiting.  I texted him what happened, calling myself brilliant.  He texted me back, “Maybe you should be a brain surgeon.”  Which just cracked me up, and took me from the crying place, so that was good.  I was grateful.  Small favors.

I  hope today is better.  I have vowed to stop trying to “get caught up ” at work, and just get done what I can.  I am stressing myself out to the max, and I need to stop it.

Speaking of which, it’s time to go get in the shower and get ready.  Wish me luck.