The Tale of the Pendulum

Crystal_pendulums

I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually.  You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand.  You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.

I have two of these.  When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke.  Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol.  Salt is also cleansing.

The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy.  It will answer yes and no questions.  It’s not, obviously, fool-proof.  But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer.  I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.

The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no.  It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.

I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get.   I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.

Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first.  One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets.  Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.

Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe.  I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address.  Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.

When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well,  I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me.  I looked at the email I had drafted.  It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt.  It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened.  And all that is true.  But I wanted nor needed any response from him.  He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections.  But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him.  So I sent it late last night.  There has been no answer.  Which is fine.  I don’t need one.

Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak.  Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me.  His making me laugh is really just a good memory.  I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time.  I can put him in his proper place in my life.  I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now.  He’s a wreck, really.  He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not  himself.  He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship.  Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing.  Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.

At any rate, I’m over it.  I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him.  I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health.  Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is.  It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded.  Just that I had information that might be good for him to know.  That’s it.  He has it now, and I can let it go.

I had to learn how to do this with my ex.  Four years in court, and a son to deal with.  I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.

The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back.  It could be wrong.  The pendulum isn’t fool proof.  Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now.  It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too.  I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.

I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health.  As for Betty, I was just curious.  I don’t really care.  But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.

“BRAVING” Trust

BRAVING-2I am a HUGE Brene Brown fan.  Also  HUGE Elizabeth Gilbert fan. (Not at all surprised they are good friends.)  One or the other of them always pops up saying exactly what I need to hear at the exact time I need to hear it.  It is amazing how the universe puts the people you most need square in your path when you most need them.

The day after S so thoughtlessly and cruelly dumped me, I saw Brene on SuperSoulSunday talking about her new book, Rising Strong, and I had it downloaded onto my kindle before the show was over.  I went on FB yesterday and one of the first posts was Liz Gilbert posting a new Brene talk on “The Anatomy of Trust.”

It is quintessential Brene, full of personal stories, making us laugh, and cry, just being so real, and teaching us what we need to know about trust.  I watched it, it’s only about 10 or 15 minutes, and then watched it again with a pen and paper to make notes.

Naturally, I was filtering my recent break-up as I watched it.

She created an anagram for building trust.  It is B R A V I N G.  Because when we trust someone we are “braving” connection, making ourselves vulnerable.  Here’s the down-low.

B – Boundaries.  For trust to develop between people, boundaries have to be set and kept by both parties.  With S, I had one.  Don’t have sex with anyone else if you’re having it with me.  Pretty clear.  He had a lot….and they weren’t clear, they were subjective.  Don’t ask too much, don’t make plans too far ahead, don’t expect anything, don’t demand anything.  You get the idea.

R – Reliability. Do what you say you’re going to.  I don’t think I ever broke this one with him.  I generally try to do this with everyone.  S did what he said he would, if he felt like doing it when the time came.  Thus the blurred boundaries….  If he talked about going somewhere, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he’d call, it didn’t mean he would.  If he said he was open to a relationship, it didn’t mean that he’d feel like that next week.

A – Accountability.  Owning your story.  If you make a mistake, which we all do….owning it, apologizing for it, and making it right.  I have no problem with this, I apologized often and fully, usually for misunderstanding him or his actions. (And in hindsight, I was often right, and apologizing for it.)  S….apologized after the prison whore.  He came to me, he looked me in the eye, he told me the whole story, he felt bad, it was over.  It went a long way toward building trust.  Then, a few months later, began the HUGE voluminous deception of me, and Betty….and he still has not owned that to me, he still has not apologized for months of deception when all the while I was asking him to let me go.  Not accountable.  At all.

V – The vault.  What you tell me in confidence I keep in confidence.  And what others tell me I also keep in confidence.  I think I did that, still do that.  I have never told anyone the things he told me in confidence.  I don’t think he has either, told anyone anything I told him.  (However, my life is much more an open book, and no one knew me in his life, so there was nothing to tell and no one to tell it to.)  However, he was quite willing to falsely trash his girlfriend to me, to send me a naked picture of her to make me jealous.  So…I think that picture should have been in his vault.  But he didn’t keep it there.

I- Integrity.  I don’t think this needs any discussion.  Screwing two women, for months on end, who love you without them knowing you are doing it is a total lack of integrity.  Making up lies about his girlfriend, when she was his ex, is a total lack of integrity.  I know he wants to say I was with A when I was with him….but I was never with A physically when I was with S.  Never.  I met A after the prison whore, right after.  I went out with him, he was like a salve on a gaping open wound, but I wasn’t with him sexually during that time.   S can pretend I did what he did, but I didn’t.

N – Non-judgement.  I know I did not judge him for anything he told me in confidence.  I did, in the end, judge him for his lies and deception of me, and of Betty.  He also was fairly non-judgmental, although he at times disparaged me for some of the spiritual teachers I liked.  Ram Dass in particular.  His reasoning was that Ram Dass came from a privileged family in Boston, and S felt he was in it for the money.  I didn’t come across Ram Dass until a few years ago, when he was about 80 or so, and I felt he had a lot of valuable insight at that stage of his life.

G – Generosity.  When someone does or doesn’t do something you thought they would, having a generous thought about them, like, “I was hoping you’d do this, but I know you love me, and we’re ok.  I just want you to know I was thinking of it.”  I do this to a fault, and did it with him way way too much.  Gave him a lot of credit he hadn’t earned.   I don’t know if he ever did it, he seemed to love to find something to complain about.  He had the nerve to say, not long ago, after he dumped me but before I found out he’d been with her all summer,  that he was upset that I said in my blog that I “cuddled” with A before A left on his big adventure.  S and I were not not even speaking then.  He had refused to make plans with me Memorial Day weekend. Refused to go to Florida with me after getting me all excited that he would likely go.   Now I know why…because he made them with Betty.  It’s almost humorous that  he had the nerve to bitch at me for cuddling with A, while he was screwing Betty.  It was just a manipulation.  But it wasn’t generous.

Looking at this anagram, and filtering this relationship through it, I see and am filled with the knowledge that I gave away my trust to someone who didn’t earn it.  Period.  And I’m lucky to be out of it, without more scars.  It’s a lesson learned, learned well.

Trust is made up of seemingly small insignificant moments, Brene teaches, that build trust over time.  Not a few big events.   S shouldn’t have earned my trust simply because he apologized and owned his story about the prison whore.  There were so many small moments that I wrote off, because they were insignificant.  And really, those were the things that were telling.

This lesson is included in her book, Rising Strong.  This is the link to the video:

http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust/

 

Grateful For My Breath

I had a difficult night, and only slept a few hours.  Today will be a long day, but I’ll get through it.  My ginger kitty, Maggie, was so sweet.  She heard me break down, in the dark, and jumped up and sat next to me, licking my hand and my arm, to tell me she loved me.  She lay down beside me with her head on my arm, to comfort me.

Letting go is so hard.  It’s not just the person, it’s all you wished and prayed and  hoped would happen.  It all has to go, and it leaves a hole.  A painful hole.

He called me, he wished there was something he could do for my pain, but in his honesty, anything he could have done would have been a lie, and he hasn’t ever lied to me about it.  It’s one reason I love him, he just doesn’t lie, or make up stories to get what he wants. I told him give me a few days, I’ll be ok.

I have to remember what the psychic said….that when I close the wrong doors the right ones will open. The problem is realizing and accepting that what I was so attached to was the wrong door.  But  it was.

At least my words are coming back

Breathing, just breathing, and grateful for my breath.

Looking for Honesty

Last night I missed S, to the point that it hurt.  I miss the laughter, the feeling of being tuned in to him.  I don’t even know for sure that I was, but it felt like it.  Anyway, I sent him a text telling him that I missed  him.  Also that I don’t think that changes anything, but that I just wanted him to know I missed  him.  I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, my heart is always on my sleeve, and I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted make sure he knew where I was at, that I didn’t just, and can’t just, boot him out of my life callously.  I still, and I’m sure always will, love the man that he is.

It doesn’t change anything.  Missing him does not mean I want to go to bed with him and have him leave in the morning, or a few hours later, it doesn’t mean that I give up my desire for a whole relationship, it just means that I miss S, the man that he is, having  him in my life regularly.

This morning this brought me to thoughts about A.  I realize I am just trying to put a bandaid over the missing of S, the wound that can still bleed from time to time.  I am not ready to be intimately involved with anyone, and I am going to tell A this. That while I love him and appreciate him as a close supportive friend, I am not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he wants, that I see coming in the last few days, and that I have gone along with, because I was lonely.  I can’t allow myself to be that lonely, I can’t allow myself to use A to fill someone else’s space in my head or my heart.

Tomorrow I go to upstate NY for a few days.  I intend to do some soul searching there,, and find the right words for A.  Then I intend to get back to the healing process, of letting S go.  I hope so much that S feels free, that he is feeling like he is free to go and find what he wants.  Who knows, he may find someone else, he may find that he wants me.  But I don’t want him to be with me by default, any more than I want to be with A just because he’s available to me and loves me.

I still feel a connection with S.  I also know that he has a lot of his own work to do.  He survived cancer, he survived a break up that was painful for him.  He is ready, chronologically to retire, but has no plans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.  I have to respect that, I have to let him go figure it out.  I am wary of being “just friends” with him, because it always immediately turns sexual, and that means different things to each of us.  For me it always will come with attachment, and that’s exactly what he doesn’t want.  And I don’t want it without attachment.

I don’t feel as pained this morning.  I am able to sit with it, and let whatever comes come, and go.  I need to deal with A soon though, I feel dishonest with him.  And I hate dishonesty.

Here’s to a better day today.  I’ve had no response from S to my text.  I unblocked him, I don’t know i I should have, but I did. Going with my gut on that, not overthinking it.  Maybe I’m ready to talk now, maybe I should talk to him before I go away.  IdK.  I will leave it be for now.

I feel like some resolution to some of my stuff is bubbling up, and that’s a good thing. Mostly, right now, I am searching for honesty, from myself the most, regarding both of these men.

UPDATE:  I told a this morning. I’m never been able to put off an unpleasant task I need to get them over with.  It turns out he’s fine with it.  He thought he was maybe going to come east and would come see me for a couple of days but his plans have changed anyway. And seriously all he’s looking for is the same thing S is, friends with intimate benefits, he’s just does a better job of presenting it.  He loves me but he’s not in love with me.  Which was of some great relief to me. I told him I’d stay in touch. That’s a load off my mind. Now if I can just sort out my feelings for S,  who I still love but need to let go of.  One down one to go.