What would you do?
If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex? Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?
What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?
What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently? And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.
What would you do?
Well, I wrote them both an email. I told the story from my perspective. I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed. I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship. I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.
I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.
What happens now, is what happens. Probably nothing. I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it. Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale
But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here. But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her. For God’s sake. I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him. I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.
It’s over now, I want to let it go. I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was. I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for. And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.
He’ll never be able to love anyone that way. But I know there are other people, men, who can. He was good practice for me. I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.
I want someone who I can trust. Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness. I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.
So, what would you do? Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary? I’d love your thoughts.
It was absolutely appropriate and necessary…but the fact that it WAS necessary is fucked up on so many levels. UGH.
Lol. That’s for sure. So fucked up. But that’s the dysfunction the two of them share and live in. I don’t. My story is clear and honest.
I have come to the realization that dysfunction and “clear and honest” don’t mix too well. Losers’ view was “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Mine was “full disclosure.” No wonder things didn’t work out.
Exactly. And if you do tell mix a big lie with s little truth, so the spin in perfect. Lol.
Long answer again, omg, sorry. I just get so caught up in caring about all this, my heart breaks for you.
I believe it can be necessary to share our truth. Abso-fucking-lutely! (Lol, I love that sort of “American” slang thingie that I learned from TV… lol, I am such a nerd). Back to being ONtopic: I believe you need to share all this for as long as you feel the need. I also believe that you have the ability to be much happier when you are “away” from “all that”, (other people’s drama/lies/denial). I believe in some ways, we can keep ourselves stuck, because of all those lies. It is not that we “want” to stay stuck, it is just the lies… the audacity… of it all, our need for closure, our (justified) need for accountability, for the truth to be out there… It is all good, to get our feelings out. BUT, and that is a major “but”; I have read sooo much about narcissism now. And there are loads of people who agree on the view that our “need” for the narcissistic person to behave decently/ our need to put the truth out there, can keep us stuck, if we don’t watch out for it…
Not saying anything is wrong here. Totally understand you. I have been there a few hundred times with ex narc… but, for me, sometimes, it hindered me in my healing and moving forward. That is no bigh thing though, if it does. We see that, pretty quickly; we jump up from our chair, walk out the door, and keep walking, again. I hope you know I am saying all this from deeply caring about you, and knowing exactly what you are going through with the lies. Hugs!!
Thank you so much, survived. Your experience is more than helpful. I can push aside plenty,and was. It’s just when I heard the lies he tried to tell me come out of her mouth, and knew he was still at his old bs, except spreading it around, covering the world in his shit, I had to say something. Bad enough that he made up the story to me, we both knew the truth. But to them spread it as if that would make it true? I had HAD to set it right. Now that I have, there’s nothing more to say. I don’t want to hear from him or her. I had a brief convo with her, and told her she will never know what our relationship was because he’ll lie and I’m done talking about it. I’ve said my truth. He can go fuck himself or her, whatever. I’m out. And thank you again, for understanding. I’m going to go to Florida and let the sea breeze blow it all away.
I understand you completely. I have to say that also, my stance of keeping completely quiet, only came after a good while… lol… and, I told a couple of his other girls… but there were several, so I would feel it bizarre to “tell them all”… it is a bit of a different situation you are in. Anyway I am glad you said your truth, as long as it makes you feel better. And: I did not mean to sound like a know-it-all. 😉 Just so you do not think that I presume that I “know better” or anything… it is just that, I spent so long, trying to get any “decency” out of a person, who could only come up with even MORE lies… and it did keep me stuck, for quite a while, to try to “force” the truth, etc. I just would never want the same thing to happen to you… And I do not think it will, cause I think you are an amazing and strong person, who sees clearly. Anyway I am glad for your Florida tip and wanna hear all about it! 🙂 Take care. “Vive la vérité”!! (long live the truth). xo
You’re not a know it all. I have a firm belief that the universe is self correcting. I just need to have the truth out there. I have no expectation of decency from him.
Or anyone. I just need the energy in me in the truth released and the universe will deal with it. Note the fact that he stole the letter I wrote her out of her mailbox, which gave her everything. Including a link here my phone, me email. . She didn’t get that. But 6 weeks later she was reading them anyway. And messaging me. And now knows the truth. This will be the same. I just have to put it out there and walk away. The universe, in its omnipotence, will know what to do with it. Big hugs to you.