The middle of the night is a lonely place, in my bed, alone, remembering him next to me, and then not. His blue eyes laughing, sparkling, smiling. And then cold, like the blue of a glacier, floating in a cold ocean. Unfeeling, uncaring. Waiting for me to blindly crash into him and sink. Missing him, why?
The hole he left in my heart….he filled it with ugliness. Why in the world would I miss someone who used and abused me for his own pleasure?
I beg the archangels, cut these energetic cords with him. The cords that cross centuries, the cords that cross lifetimes. I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want any in this lifetime. I don’t want the old ones to pull me in and make me ache for what I don’t even know, or understand.
Cut them from my head, from my hands, from my heart. Or pull them out, by the roots. Send them back to him, or out into the universe. There are times I don’t even know if I’m feeling my own emotions or his. Cut them, protect me from them. Let me know that the pain I feel is my own. I don’t want to have to deal with his pain. If I am. My own pain is sufficient burden to carry.
Let me forget. Forget the emotions which make me remember the lost dreams, the love I lavished on him. That make me remember the lies, the deception he lay in my path, to stumble across as I ran down it, my eyes blinded by my own tears, and fall flat on my face, broken, bruised and bleeding, with no hand to help me up but my own.
But to hold space, for him….because I can’t not love him, but I can’t be hurt anymore. I can’t wake in the night any more and miss him. I can’t continue to have emotions about him that defy the reality in which I live.
I have sat with these emotions long enough. I beg the loving energy of the universe: let me go, set me free.