Total Destruction

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”
– Cassandra Clare, “Clockwork Prince”

Yesterday at work, my good friend who was on vacation last week asked to see a picture of the Boop.  So I found it on FB and showed her.  I happened to see that her place of work had a FB page, and I idly clicked on it, with no intent.  At least no conscious intent.  Probably a directive of the universe.  I do think I have been trying to fill the holes in the story of the end of my relationship with S, because it just didn’t fit together with what I knew

The company FB page had pictures of it’s company party from last summer.  August 9. There were two pictures of S there with the Boop.

When, as far as I knew, he was still with me, or by himself.  I may have even seen him that Saturday, overnight, before he went.  I saw him in August, once or twice, but would have to look back at my blogs to see when.

I was furious.  My belief that he was with her all summer, and it was why I rarely saw him, was confirmed.  He lied to me on such a grand scale, it’s beyond anything I could conceive of a human being doing.  I began to text him furiously, and finally said, you better get your ass over to her house and tell her before I do.

This was not meant to hurt either of them.  It was meant to let her know who she was dealing with, instead of living in the lie that he had told her,  that she was the only one for 6 months.  It was to make him finally accountable.  And mostly, because if someone could have called me and told me what was going on all summer, I would have been glad to know, and walked away from him.  All he had to do was to let me go when I wanted to and he’d be home free.

He left me a voice mail while I was at work.  He asked why I was doing this.  I texted him back.  “Because you deserve it.  Because I can only take so much and you have reached the limit.”

When I got to the car after work, I called him screaming at him, “You better be on your way to her house, because I’m calling her when I get home.  Who do you think you are, to be fucking two women and not letting either of them know the other exists???”

When I got home, I called him and asked if he was going.  It was about 6:45.    He answered dully that he was.  I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not.  I knew it would be easier for her to hear it from him than me.  But I didn’t, don’t trust that he actually did it.  I have her phone number, I still almost called her.  Her number is still on the dial pad of my phone.

He texted me back at 7:02 and told me she ended it with  him, and ranted at me.  Looking at that time table, I don’t believe he did it.  I think she is still in the dark.  It seems that conversation would have taken longer.  In fact, I am sure he did not.  He was going to tell her at 6:45, and telling me it was over by text at 7:02.  He continued to send me hateful texts for the next 20 minutes.  More than one word texts.  I was answering them. He lives a half hour away from her.  It is not possible that he typed and read my texts while driving that half hour in the dark.

More lies.  Unbelievable.

So, anyway….

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.  I was not hurt, I have lived through so many lies, such deception, such betrayal, with him, I am numb to any more pain.

But I hate a liar, more than anything in this world.  That he was lying to her I hated.  That he lied to me all summer, knowing how I felt, and knowing what he was doing, pulling me back to him, when all the time he was seeing her was just deception and betrayal that I couldn’t stomach.  Literally.

Why should he get out of the betrayal of me and her unscathed?  I mean, just the day before he wanted to know if there was anything we could maybe do to repair our relationship because he  “missed me a lot. Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”  I am just so sick of getting bullshitted by him.  I am so sick of thinking I’ve heard it all and having  another handful of shit thrown in my face.

I stopped responding to his juvenile texts and voicemails.  I won’t.  But I may proceed with another idea I have because I don’t believe a word he says to me, and don’t believe he talked to her.  I think he was acting and still trying to keep her in the dark.

He actually said to me “I was trying to atone. ”  I laughed, out loud.  ATONE??? By telling me two days ago you may have made a mistake? OMG, he is delusional.  Or has no command of the English language.  ATONE?

At least he made me laugh.

Hey S, atoning would have been to come clean with both of us, and apologize and try to change into a person that someone wanted to have around.  Someone who could be accountable, own their own story, apologize when they fuck up, and not do it again.  It does not mean that you keep building layer upon layer of lies and deception.

I mean really.  Why would he even say that?  It is so far from anything he has done, ever.

He threatened me that he would send my intimate pics to people I work with, or my family.  I said, go ahead.  They will just know what a loser you are, what an asshole.  You think most people don’t do that for fun when they are in an intense relationship.  No one cares.  I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed of.  I was reminded when he sent me a pic of BB in the jacuzzi, her breasts exposed, trying to make me jealous.  I deleted it and told him off for sending it.

He texted me that he was surprised I had not posted a victory blog last night.  Victory????  Seriously, that’s how he sees it?  As if I won something?  OMG, does he really not know what I have LOST?  Does he think that I am happy to find out what he did?  He thinks I am out for vengeance.   He’s just a stupid stupid man, who can’t be accountable for anything he does.  He made his bed and he’s finding out that he used bullshit for sheets and is not happy with it. Now that all the pieces fit together for me, I am totally able to let go, cut the cords, and walk, no, run, away.   I have the answers I needed to make a clean break.

If I never speak to him again it will be too soon.  If I never hear his name.  He wished me a slow death all alone last night.  I laughed, because he, like my ex, has crafted a life in which he will be alone, and that’s how he’ll die.  I have family, friends, and a new lover will be in my life.  My life is blessed.

Like I said the other day there would be no good ending to this.  I knew it then, and it’s what came to pass.

Won’t be writing much about him any more.  I am out of love, out of interest, I am walking away at light speed.  The thought of him, and how much I loved him makes me sick to my stomach.  For anyone to treat someone’s love as anything but a gift is unconscionable.  Funny, that’s what the Supreme Court called my ex 9 times in their decision.  S makes my ex look like an amateur.  I want this chapter of my life relegated to “stupid mistakes I made that I learned a great lesson from.”

Total destruction is all he leaves in his wake.





14 responses to “Total Destruction

  1. OMG, I am so sorry about all this, but as you say, now you can truly walk away… I am almost glad Rodney did what he did, it gave me the push I needed to walk away, but I still love him and miss him so…… Now you know why I sent that letter to his two so- called female “friends”. I see no reason why he should walk away with no consequences to his actions, his betrayal of my trust and love for him and his betrayal of them for never telling them about me… I’d like to punch both of these men in the mouth, ass holes! Hopefully they will get theirs in the end…. My heart hurts for you my friend… much love to you

    • I’m so beyond hurt here. Just pure unadulterated anger. He said he called her last night, which is his chicken shit way of dealing with the devastation he causes. He said she’s a woman of few words so she just said I’m done. I’ll send you an email as soon as I get a minute. Xo

  2. I agree, Megan, anger is so much easier to take, at least it is for me…. feels better than the hurt, hurt is soft and deep and so awful, but for me anger is hot and fast and shallow, much easier for me to deal with… but we are all different… much love to both of you ladies…

    • I have had a world of hurt, but you guys know that. He wished me a slow painful death yesterday, I told him I have lived through 100 deaths with him. But the hurt from him is no longer. Just the anger and the disgust are at about 200 on a 10 scale. He just disgusts me now. I have no words to describe the way I see him now. And you know me, I have plenty of words. I didn’t even ever imagine someone could be so morally, spiritually, and emotionally bankrupt. Lesson learned.

      • he wished you a slow painful death? what an ass hole. Rodney betrayed me but he never called me names or wished me any harm or any of that crap…. what he did was enough without all the rest but this Scott person has a hell of a lot of nerve to say crap like that to you when he is the one being an asshole! Jerks, both of them. I hope Karma takes care of both of these men, and yours too, Megan and I hope we are around to watch…. I am so very tired of all of this …

        • Because I made him tell her. Seriously. Takes a giant set of balls. But I just laughed. Lol. He’s an idiot. I don’t want to watch, I just want to be as far away as I can get fro this shit. Really. What a sick fuck. Everything my ex wished on me happened to him. Scott will be no different. He’ll get the evil he dreams of.

  3. It typically isn’t the pain from the breakup, memories, or finding out that he’s a lying, two-timing dickbag that hurts. What hurts the most about it is how you feel inside for letting yourself go through what you went through. You end up angry with yourself and disgusted that you had to deal with that, and that’s what ends up being the most painful. At the beginning of mine and J’s “relationship,” it was exactly like this. He hid me from his girlfriend and hid his girlfriend from me. I added him on Facebook and his relationship status was “in a relationship,” and after that he ended everything but still didn’t bother to tell me he had a girlfriend the entire time. He didn’t tell me that, actually, until a few months ago when he had been drinking his life away in hard liquor. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me, his reason was, “because I didn’t want to seem like a dick! I didn’t want to be that guy!” But really, he was that that guy, he was a dick.

    I definitely feel your pain on this one. I’m so sorry that you had to find out this information. A lot of guys are disgusting pigs, and it only takes one of them to make the rest seem like disgusting pigs as well. I hope you feel better as soon as possible and move on from this terrible experience.

    • Thank you for this. Scott doesn’t even think was a dick. Or that’s all he thinks he is, lol. He doesn’t understand why I made him tell her.. He thinks it was to hurt him, for revenge. It was for her, because no one deserves to be treated like that. I wish someone could have told me, and I couldn’t sit on that information and watch him continue to pretend he gave a damn about her when he was still trying to get me back into his bed. I am out of love, out of care. I am, as you say, disgusted with myself for not seeing it, for not walking away so long ago, for believing him. Love is truly blind, but my eyes are 20/20 now.

  4. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger. I have been feeling exactly the same way! Like the biggest blind lovesick idiot on the planet lol. I am so grateful to be rid of all the dysfunctional behavior, manipulations and drama.

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